went out last night to the depot to see a couple of guys from austin texas perform electronic rock to the most amazing laser lights show i've seen. i stood on the dance floor dodging elbows to the nose (i always end up behind a really tall, dancing, man) allowing my heart to tremble with the bass. it was a lot of fun - well done ghostland observatory.
then i headed out to fat's grill to see my friend jesse playing blues music. we got there late in the third set. it was rowdy and loud and we continued our evening of dancing. not too bad for a night out in salt lake city.
my fiend jesse is a really incredible pianist. i watched him playing and i felt awed and amazed. i also found myself being a bit jealous. i've always thought it would be cool to learn to play the piano. my mom offered to get one when i was a kid so that i could take lessons. we had a family friend who was a concert pianist. he too was amazing to listen to. in the end we realized that we did not have space in the house for a piano. after a few years i ended up taking on the clarinet, and two years ago i started in with the guitar. certainly i got my instrumental kicks elsewhere.
i almost feel guilty when i am jealous of the musical abilities of others. i have many incredibly musically inclined people in my life - garret and the guitar, jesse and the piano, lynsey and the violin. i feel guilty because i think that perhaps i should not be jealous - i understand that i have something as well...my voice.
when i think about this i start to wonder about the difference between talent and a gift. see, i know that i have been given a gift. i never learned how to sing - i just knew. i was able to mimic the sounds i heard on the radio, from others, in the world around me. i have not cultivated it, studied it, worked it like the people around me who may also have gifts, but also have talent. i think of talent as something one creates...they harness the innate ability they have within themselves and turn it into something extraordinary. when i think about what it took my friends to get where they are i find it so humbling.
and i feel grateful for my gift. i feel grateful that people appreciate it and that i can share it with others. i feel humbled because i did nothing to earn it and nothing to create it. regardless i get to benefit from it. i guess that means that my friends who worked to cultivate their talents should be jealous of me, but i think it must be great to be able to look at their accomplishments and feel that they earned it. their hard work and care and time has led them to do amazing things.
i suppose we can all be grateful - and make amazing music together.
20.11.10
12.11.10
the bunny suicides
drove from moab to loa last night via 24. not my preferred way to go, but with the cold, ice, snow, and wayward deer in the road i decided to take the longer route. it was a gorgeous night. as i rolled up 191 to 70 i could see the cheshire-cat smile of the moon huge and orange as it dipped toward the clifftops. i plugged in my ipod and sang my heart out as i cruised along into the desert night.
however there was danger lurking around every corner.
not danger for me. no, i was safely belted into my tank-like german sedan with anti-lock brakes and dual side airbags. the danger lay outside the car in the road dodging in and out of the sagebrush.
bunnies.
at first i was not bothered by them...
then there were a LOT. when i mean a LOT i will say that by the time i got around to counting the little fluffers running around the road under the wheels of my car (about halfway through a 2.5 hour drive) i got to two casualties and twenty near misses.
if you don't already know, when bunnies feel threatened they run away and weave back and forth at the same time. effective if you are trying to get away from a fox or coyote, but for a car...yeah...not so much.
it was like playing frogger in reverse...with bunnies
in the end i managed only to kill 2 of them, but that took some very calculated swerving and slowing. i will say for all of the ridiculousness it did pass the drive time AND summit was totally engaged.
kamikaze bunnies...go figure.
ps - the comics i put into this blog are by an artist named andy riley who totally shares my sense of humor.
22.10.10
music man
had a moment the other night at an open mic in flagstaff. i had already been on stage to play my songs - felt really good about it actually...no jitters this time - and the next act took the stage. i was getting a drink when they were setting up (thanks to the folks at mia's for giving me free drinks for playing!) so i did not see them before they started to play.
acoustic guitar. cello baseline. djembe.
world beats. mellow base. eclectic lyrics.
i was instantly transported. my mind went on time travel to a time in my past. i could smell the smoke, hear the people talking softly below me, feel the cool of the mic in my hand. if i opened my eyes i was sure i could look over and see garrett standing next to me, barefoot, mildly disheveled, and strumming his well-loved guitar. i'd see bennett perched on a chair, beanie on his head, cradling the djembe between his knees. i'd see emily, tall and willowy in her unique thrift store dress, her long hair swaying as she played her trombone. my heart warmed at these thoughts and i felt grateful to this trio for bringing them back to me.
i loved being a member of acoustic wave machine, the strange and folksy hippie band i joined when i lived in washington. i ended up in it totally on accident. i was out one day on my bike and ran into one of my students. she must have picked up on my reputation for being the crazy hippie environmentalist RED because she let me know that there was an earth day festival down the hill in one of the parks. i rode down to check it out.
garrett was playing when i got there. he was up there with three other guys playing the mandolin, banjo and djembe. the songs were interesting - political, environmental, witty and unique. the guitar riffs were lively and the four of them seemed to fit well. it all seemed to work, but i had a hard time listening anyhow. as brilliant a guitarist and lyricist garrett was, he was no singer. he could carry a tune, but one would never classify him as a singer.
the crew ended up their set and joined the crowd to watch the next group up. they ended up walking through the crowd of people lounging on the grass and sat right next to me. now i will say that most of you know me as the person who will literally talk to anyone. i'll chat people up in the supermarket, the bar, the line for the ladies' room, the gym. but this was over 6 years ago and i had not really gotten over my fear that in talking to people they would not push me into a locker or try and stick my head in a toilet. ok, that's a bit drastic. at this point i was more just worried that people would not want to talk to me, so when i turned to these three guys and said something it was a big step for me.
when i tossed the comment "you guys sound great" in their direction it was garrett who replied. "thanks - too bad i can't sing." i had to smile - at least the guy understood his limitations. often people think they are far more vocally talented than they actually are. we see it all the time on american idol - those are not the only people who harbor such illusions - just the ones who make it public. his casual comment about his voice led to great conversation about voice training, vocal exercises and the like. in the end he told me that he wanted to put together a project. apparently the guys he was playing with were not his band. then he tossed in a comment about his vision.
he wanted to front the project with a female vocalist. and he wanted to know if i knew of any.
awesome.
i'll say before i go on with the story that i am seriously impressed with a man who wants a woman to sing his songs. music is pretty much a male-dominated industry. please don't regale me with stories of britney or jewel or madonna or the runaways. i know that there are lots of women in music, but for every woman who is out there as a musician there have to be about ten men. this open mic night i was at is a prime example. in four hours i was the only female to get up there. i guess men are more comfortable taking that kind of risk - it does involve a level of ego that not very many people have. the willingness to think that someone else might want to listen to you.
clearly i have this level of ego - not only do i go to open mic nights...i write this blog.
anyway from this point on garrett earned his way onto my list of top male allies along with brad, dave, francis and my father.
my friend monique was terrified that in going to garrett's for an audition i was signing up to be raped and murdered in some strange man's house. i guess coming from detroit she has good reason to be wary. i guess that even today i enter these situations with a kind of naivete that can be positive but potentially dangerous. in the end she could not convince me to cancel or bring someone with her, but she did get me to sign on to calling her when i got there and taking her phone call 15 minutes later.
by the time i got there i realized she had put her fear into me. i stood at the door for about 10 minutes trying to decide if i should knock.
i really have no clue what i was worried about.
the house was open and naturally lit with hardwood floors covered in worn oriental rugs. the walls were painted with murals and the houseplants were so overgrown that they crisscrossed the ceiling giving me the impression that i was outside. the first thing garrett did was introduce me to his dog cami and cat cleo.
yea, not so much of an axe murderer.
we played covers so he could get a feel for my voice and what i could do. it was a lot of fun. his roommate came in and played on the djembe (that was how i met derek, but that is another story entirely). eventually he told me that he liked what i could do and wanted to play me a recording of one of his songs to see if i could learn it. the woman in the recording was amazing. even to this day i can recall listening to her and thinking there was no way in hell i could do what she could with her voice. i sang along however and garrett seemed pleased.
he invited me to come back next week to meet the rest of the band.
the meeting was great - we jammed and worked on a couple of garrett's songs. everyone was very complimentary and i had a great time.
they invited me to come back next week to play.
and that is how it went for a year. each week we would get together and play and i was told it was great and would i come back next week. we played gigs in parks and coffee shops and bars. each gig we would play and i was told it was great and would i come back next week.
there was never any confirmation i was IN the band. just that. i asked garrett once and he just laughed.
it was an amazing experience that i will always cherish. i learned to be bolder and more willing to take risks. in getting up on stage and singing to people i learned to put myself out there, to talk to the crowd and be comfortable and to connect with others. i found that in projecting my physical voice that i was able to project my energy, my emotion, my mind - i was able to put myself into the world in ways i had never tried. those lessons carried over into my time at aspen, in new zealand, and now as i attend open mic nights, apply for jobs, and seek reentry to graduate school. i am more comfortable with myself - stronger and more confident.
when i left idaho i missed it. i missed the comraderie, the excitement, and most of all, i missed the music. i spent time being miserable about it - i drove back to moscow to play gigs, i felt jealous when they got a new gal to sing in the group. i thought i'd just have to give it all up.
then i remembered those lessons.
i taught myself to play guitar two years ago. it was incredible to be able to accompany myself and i started writing songs. i found that in doing so i took on even more of that confidence. i suppose that is what allows me to get up at open mic nights to play. sitting there in the bar in flagstaff i had to smile at where i've come from and where i hope to go.
thanks brother.
acoustic guitar. cello baseline. djembe.
world beats. mellow base. eclectic lyrics.
i was instantly transported. my mind went on time travel to a time in my past. i could smell the smoke, hear the people talking softly below me, feel the cool of the mic in my hand. if i opened my eyes i was sure i could look over and see garrett standing next to me, barefoot, mildly disheveled, and strumming his well-loved guitar. i'd see bennett perched on a chair, beanie on his head, cradling the djembe between his knees. i'd see emily, tall and willowy in her unique thrift store dress, her long hair swaying as she played her trombone. my heart warmed at these thoughts and i felt grateful to this trio for bringing them back to me.
i loved being a member of acoustic wave machine, the strange and folksy hippie band i joined when i lived in washington. i ended up in it totally on accident. i was out one day on my bike and ran into one of my students. she must have picked up on my reputation for being the crazy hippie environmentalist RED because she let me know that there was an earth day festival down the hill in one of the parks. i rode down to check it out.
garrett was playing when i got there. he was up there with three other guys playing the mandolin, banjo and djembe. the songs were interesting - political, environmental, witty and unique. the guitar riffs were lively and the four of them seemed to fit well. it all seemed to work, but i had a hard time listening anyhow. as brilliant a guitarist and lyricist garrett was, he was no singer. he could carry a tune, but one would never classify him as a singer.
the crew ended up their set and joined the crowd to watch the next group up. they ended up walking through the crowd of people lounging on the grass and sat right next to me. now i will say that most of you know me as the person who will literally talk to anyone. i'll chat people up in the supermarket, the bar, the line for the ladies' room, the gym. but this was over 6 years ago and i had not really gotten over my fear that in talking to people they would not push me into a locker or try and stick my head in a toilet. ok, that's a bit drastic. at this point i was more just worried that people would not want to talk to me, so when i turned to these three guys and said something it was a big step for me.
when i tossed the comment "you guys sound great" in their direction it was garrett who replied. "thanks - too bad i can't sing." i had to smile - at least the guy understood his limitations. often people think they are far more vocally talented than they actually are. we see it all the time on american idol - those are not the only people who harbor such illusions - just the ones who make it public. his casual comment about his voice led to great conversation about voice training, vocal exercises and the like. in the end he told me that he wanted to put together a project. apparently the guys he was playing with were not his band. then he tossed in a comment about his vision.
he wanted to front the project with a female vocalist. and he wanted to know if i knew of any.
awesome.
i'll say before i go on with the story that i am seriously impressed with a man who wants a woman to sing his songs. music is pretty much a male-dominated industry. please don't regale me with stories of britney or jewel or madonna or the runaways. i know that there are lots of women in music, but for every woman who is out there as a musician there have to be about ten men. this open mic night i was at is a prime example. in four hours i was the only female to get up there. i guess men are more comfortable taking that kind of risk - it does involve a level of ego that not very many people have. the willingness to think that someone else might want to listen to you.
clearly i have this level of ego - not only do i go to open mic nights...i write this blog.
anyway from this point on garrett earned his way onto my list of top male allies along with brad, dave, francis and my father.
my friend monique was terrified that in going to garrett's for an audition i was signing up to be raped and murdered in some strange man's house. i guess coming from detroit she has good reason to be wary. i guess that even today i enter these situations with a kind of naivete that can be positive but potentially dangerous. in the end she could not convince me to cancel or bring someone with her, but she did get me to sign on to calling her when i got there and taking her phone call 15 minutes later.
by the time i got there i realized she had put her fear into me. i stood at the door for about 10 minutes trying to decide if i should knock.
i really have no clue what i was worried about.
the house was open and naturally lit with hardwood floors covered in worn oriental rugs. the walls were painted with murals and the houseplants were so overgrown that they crisscrossed the ceiling giving me the impression that i was outside. the first thing garrett did was introduce me to his dog cami and cat cleo.
yea, not so much of an axe murderer.
we played covers so he could get a feel for my voice and what i could do. it was a lot of fun. his roommate came in and played on the djembe (that was how i met derek, but that is another story entirely). eventually he told me that he liked what i could do and wanted to play me a recording of one of his songs to see if i could learn it. the woman in the recording was amazing. even to this day i can recall listening to her and thinking there was no way in hell i could do what she could with her voice. i sang along however and garrett seemed pleased.
he invited me to come back next week to meet the rest of the band.
the meeting was great - we jammed and worked on a couple of garrett's songs. everyone was very complimentary and i had a great time.
they invited me to come back next week to play.
and that is how it went for a year. each week we would get together and play and i was told it was great and would i come back next week. we played gigs in parks and coffee shops and bars. each gig we would play and i was told it was great and would i come back next week.
there was never any confirmation i was IN the band. just that. i asked garrett once and he just laughed.
it was an amazing experience that i will always cherish. i learned to be bolder and more willing to take risks. in getting up on stage and singing to people i learned to put myself out there, to talk to the crowd and be comfortable and to connect with others. i found that in projecting my physical voice that i was able to project my energy, my emotion, my mind - i was able to put myself into the world in ways i had never tried. those lessons carried over into my time at aspen, in new zealand, and now as i attend open mic nights, apply for jobs, and seek reentry to graduate school. i am more comfortable with myself - stronger and more confident.
when i left idaho i missed it. i missed the comraderie, the excitement, and most of all, i missed the music. i spent time being miserable about it - i drove back to moscow to play gigs, i felt jealous when they got a new gal to sing in the group. i thought i'd just have to give it all up.
then i remembered those lessons.
i taught myself to play guitar two years ago. it was incredible to be able to accompany myself and i started writing songs. i found that in doing so i took on even more of that confidence. i suppose that is what allows me to get up at open mic nights to play. sitting there in the bar in flagstaff i had to smile at where i've come from and where i hope to go.
thanks brother.
14.10.10
shit happens
spent 8 days out on the east side of boulder mountain recently. was working in the field...again. the experience was not unlike deja vu, but included new students, new co-staff, and new hikes, so i guess one might classify it as a unique experience. in the end i shat in the same old holes, slept in the same old dirty clothes, and ate the same old meals out of coffee cans. i will say that it was beautiful - really really really really really gorgeous out there. i will also say that despite the student who collapsed sobbing face down into the dirt with his pack on his back (he recovered a bit muddier for the wear), and the frightening experience of being on top of a ridge in 3-count lightning (frightening might be an understatement), i had a really great time out there.
sitting at the country cafe wednesday night with the rest of the outgoing field staff i enjoyed a buffalo burger and a beer (ok - 3 beers) and the raucous hilarity that only can come from a bunch of adults pent up with teens for a week. to say that we were appropriately quiet, used appropriate language, or were at all appropriate would be a big fat lie. wednesday nights at the cafe are our time to let off steam about the week and cater to all of the whims of the id. its when we complain about our students, make dirty jokes, tell old tall tales of battle in the desert trenches, and plan our weeks ahead.
the whole experience only serves to add fodder to one of my ongoing projects. i have been collecting stories from wilderness, student affairs, and life in general to write book about working with other people's kids. at this point i have some great tales, a couple of really interesting chapter topics, and about 100 pages of text crammed into my tiny computer. i thought i might put out a few highlights from a chapter about shit - mostly because i think it's just funny! i mean, who does not enjoy a bit of bathroom humor minus the bathroom???
if you have any stories you think i have missed or would like to contribute please please let me know!
- superturd - a residence hall staffer gets called in to help deal with a log so big it won't go down the toilet. calling in the 'laser pee' technique and a couple of sticks from the yard, superturd is eventually vanquished.
- freshness guaranteed - wilderness student misinterprets the 'pack it in, pack it out' philosophy and seals more than his toilet paper up in a ziploc.
- poopytort - on a mission to locate a missing student, staff learn that tortillas can be used for more than eating.
- shit mitten - wilderness student digs up more than he bargained for.
- the phantom pooper - who's office will they hit next???
- tater turds - wilderness staff discover a little more than freeze-dried mashed potatoes when preparing for a meal.
- personal hygiene - a group of teenage girls come up with a way to avoid carrying their used toilet paper around...just don't use it. allow me to say that their hygiene technique was called 'the shimmy' and did not include wiping of any kind. by the time we figured this out the group had enough yeast to bake bread.
that's all i have for now. have really been enjoying turning these crappy tales into eloquent prose. hope that the list makes you laugh like it does me!
sitting at the country cafe wednesday night with the rest of the outgoing field staff i enjoyed a buffalo burger and a beer (ok - 3 beers) and the raucous hilarity that only can come from a bunch of adults pent up with teens for a week. to say that we were appropriately quiet, used appropriate language, or were at all appropriate would be a big fat lie. wednesday nights at the cafe are our time to let off steam about the week and cater to all of the whims of the id. its when we complain about our students, make dirty jokes, tell old tall tales of battle in the desert trenches, and plan our weeks ahead.
the whole experience only serves to add fodder to one of my ongoing projects. i have been collecting stories from wilderness, student affairs, and life in general to write book about working with other people's kids. at this point i have some great tales, a couple of really interesting chapter topics, and about 100 pages of text crammed into my tiny computer. i thought i might put out a few highlights from a chapter about shit - mostly because i think it's just funny! i mean, who does not enjoy a bit of bathroom humor minus the bathroom???
if you have any stories you think i have missed or would like to contribute please please let me know!
- superturd - a residence hall staffer gets called in to help deal with a log so big it won't go down the toilet. calling in the 'laser pee' technique and a couple of sticks from the yard, superturd is eventually vanquished.
- freshness guaranteed - wilderness student misinterprets the 'pack it in, pack it out' philosophy and seals more than his toilet paper up in a ziploc.
- poopytort - on a mission to locate a missing student, staff learn that tortillas can be used for more than eating.
- shit mitten - wilderness student digs up more than he bargained for.
- the phantom pooper - who's office will they hit next???
- tater turds - wilderness staff discover a little more than freeze-dried mashed potatoes when preparing for a meal.
- personal hygiene - a group of teenage girls come up with a way to avoid carrying their used toilet paper around...just don't use it. allow me to say that their hygiene technique was called 'the shimmy' and did not include wiping of any kind. by the time we figured this out the group had enough yeast to bake bread.
that's all i have for now. have really been enjoying turning these crappy tales into eloquent prose. hope that the list makes you laugh like it does me!
5.10.10
lack of consciousness
i open my eyes into the dark - to a noise i did not recognize in a space i did not know. the bed i lie in is soft and warm. i can smell clean linens and i feel the sweat starting to prickle on my neck as i swelter underneath the down comforter.
i have no idea where i am.
this has happened before.
this has happened a lot recently. i'd forgotten this part of not having a home.
once i got my wits to me and came to a realization of where i was (thanks to the mansion folks for letting me stay!) i sunk back into the bed and proceeded to flatten my mind back out for sleep. it was then that it came to me. the answer. not some kind of intense revelation. not THE WAY or HOW or WHAT'S NEXT. just simply the answer to what had stumped me last night. i knew how to start the cover letter i was working on.
this has happened before.
sitting in the kitchen this morning i chatted a bit with my friends about that moment. not the moment last night that led me to get another job application done, but THAT MOMENT when i wake from my sleep to some kind of realization. when i open my eyes into the dark and just know.
funny thing is that i did not start the conversation. my friend jason did. he came to the kitchen with a tale of realizing in the middle of the night that he needs to spend time centering again (centering in the middle - literal metaphor). he wondered aloud what it was that led him to this late-night revelation. he told me this was not uncommon for him.
this has happened before.
i often do my best thinking when i am not thinking. i come to conclusions when i sleep, when i am focused on intense exercise, when i talk, when i have sex. in the moments when i am outside of my mind i find that it works the best. the puzzle pieces pull themselves together seemingly on their own and i suddenly...just...know.
for me i live in my head most of the time. my heart and body and spirit have to catch up on a regular basis. i wonder if that is what is happening. i step out for a bit and the rest all come home. there is a scientist who focuses his research on measuring levels of consciousness and developing a meter that can read it as easily as temperature. thinking about this article, my recent accidental foray into jungian psychology, and spending time with therapists who tap into the nether-realms i wonder if that is actually possible.
i do love those moments of realization where the things i need surface from my unconscious mind and i come back to my brain to find them there. it is a moment of intense clarity where my unconscious is tapped into my conscious mind. i think about personal integration and centering and drawing together the pieces of my being and i wonder if i could harness that mindfully.
or perhaps the unconscious is not something we can own.
i have no idea where i am.
this has happened before.
this has happened a lot recently. i'd forgotten this part of not having a home.
once i got my wits to me and came to a realization of where i was (thanks to the mansion folks for letting me stay!) i sunk back into the bed and proceeded to flatten my mind back out for sleep. it was then that it came to me. the answer. not some kind of intense revelation. not THE WAY or HOW or WHAT'S NEXT. just simply the answer to what had stumped me last night. i knew how to start the cover letter i was working on.
this has happened before.
sitting in the kitchen this morning i chatted a bit with my friends about that moment. not the moment last night that led me to get another job application done, but THAT MOMENT when i wake from my sleep to some kind of realization. when i open my eyes into the dark and just know.
funny thing is that i did not start the conversation. my friend jason did. he came to the kitchen with a tale of realizing in the middle of the night that he needs to spend time centering again (centering in the middle - literal metaphor). he wondered aloud what it was that led him to this late-night revelation. he told me this was not uncommon for him.
this has happened before.
i often do my best thinking when i am not thinking. i come to conclusions when i sleep, when i am focused on intense exercise, when i talk, when i have sex. in the moments when i am outside of my mind i find that it works the best. the puzzle pieces pull themselves together seemingly on their own and i suddenly...just...know.
for me i live in my head most of the time. my heart and body and spirit have to catch up on a regular basis. i wonder if that is what is happening. i step out for a bit and the rest all come home. there is a scientist who focuses his research on measuring levels of consciousness and developing a meter that can read it as easily as temperature. thinking about this article, my recent accidental foray into jungian psychology, and spending time with therapists who tap into the nether-realms i wonder if that is actually possible.
i do love those moments of realization where the things i need surface from my unconscious mind and i come back to my brain to find them there. it is a moment of intense clarity where my unconscious is tapped into my conscious mind. i think about personal integration and centering and drawing together the pieces of my being and i wonder if i could harness that mindfully.
or perhaps the unconscious is not something we can own.
4.10.10
go nomadic - again...
when home has no place to park
guess i won't be going there...
thanks to those of you who have sent me kind words and well-wishes of late. if you don't already know yes, jason and i split this week to head on separate paths. his leads him to earn 'dirt time' on organic farms, looking for skills and experiences on which to build his school. at the moment mine consists of picking up some shifts at aspen and continuing my job search.
drove from moab to county last night. the rain was intermittent and i could see bits of orion peeking out through gaps in the clouds. summit curled up against me in a way that reminded me of the first day i got her. we drove through the night to twin falls idaho. after refusing to get into the car and eventually throwing up on my gear stick she simply sighed, decided she could adopt me too, and lay her head across the parking break onto my thigh. last night she lay like that all the way to notom where we threw down for the night.
i find a simple pleasure in returning to this way of life. i have what i need, i go where i want, and the bills are low. any pressure is further eased by rolling back into the place where everybody knows my name. ten minutes i'd been at castle rock when a friend walked over from the next door business to clap me on the shoulder and give me a hug. not too shabby for 7:30 in the morning. i'll head to the power plant next and visit with tina before watering my plants at the poho and hunting people up at the mansion. eventually i'll get to loa. not in any rush though.
i will not say that i don't want my own place. i want a nice place with a yard for the dog and wireless internet. if it had wooden floors for yoga and a gas range i'd hole up and never leave.
yeah...i get it, i should cut the hyperbole.
i will say that at this moment my desire to bounce around and be footloose and fancy free is about 50/50 with my need for stability and space. i guess what i am doing on integration and balance is working. i love the romanticism of moving with the wind, of pulling up my tent stakes (or bivy stakes in my case) and seeing where i end up. i like doing what i did last night - driving until i came to an open space where i can see the milky way and just camping right there. i love calling up a friend and dropping in for an extended couch visit - cooking them meals and leaving the kitchen a bit cleaner than i found it.
then again i also relish in the safety and comfort of familiar faces - of not having to read the menu because i already know what i am going to eat - of waking to my photos on the wall in a bed made up of my own linens. i love that quiet release in my heart when i walk into the smell of my own place in the dark and know what it will look like when i turn on the lights. i want my plants around me, not languishing for lack of water in a mostly empty house. i want to curl up in an oversized armchair and scan my bookshelf to reread chapters from something dog-eared and friendly.
i need to find a way to serve both masters.
guess i won't be going there...
thanks to those of you who have sent me kind words and well-wishes of late. if you don't already know yes, jason and i split this week to head on separate paths. his leads him to earn 'dirt time' on organic farms, looking for skills and experiences on which to build his school. at the moment mine consists of picking up some shifts at aspen and continuing my job search.
drove from moab to county last night. the rain was intermittent and i could see bits of orion peeking out through gaps in the clouds. summit curled up against me in a way that reminded me of the first day i got her. we drove through the night to twin falls idaho. after refusing to get into the car and eventually throwing up on my gear stick she simply sighed, decided she could adopt me too, and lay her head across the parking break onto my thigh. last night she lay like that all the way to notom where we threw down for the night.
i find a simple pleasure in returning to this way of life. i have what i need, i go where i want, and the bills are low. any pressure is further eased by rolling back into the place where everybody knows my name. ten minutes i'd been at castle rock when a friend walked over from the next door business to clap me on the shoulder and give me a hug. not too shabby for 7:30 in the morning. i'll head to the power plant next and visit with tina before watering my plants at the poho and hunting people up at the mansion. eventually i'll get to loa. not in any rush though.
i will not say that i don't want my own place. i want a nice place with a yard for the dog and wireless internet. if it had wooden floors for yoga and a gas range i'd hole up and never leave.
yeah...i get it, i should cut the hyperbole.
i will say that at this moment my desire to bounce around and be footloose and fancy free is about 50/50 with my need for stability and space. i guess what i am doing on integration and balance is working. i love the romanticism of moving with the wind, of pulling up my tent stakes (or bivy stakes in my case) and seeing where i end up. i like doing what i did last night - driving until i came to an open space where i can see the milky way and just camping right there. i love calling up a friend and dropping in for an extended couch visit - cooking them meals and leaving the kitchen a bit cleaner than i found it.
then again i also relish in the safety and comfort of familiar faces - of not having to read the menu because i already know what i am going to eat - of waking to my photos on the wall in a bed made up of my own linens. i love that quiet release in my heart when i walk into the smell of my own place in the dark and know what it will look like when i turn on the lights. i want my plants around me, not languishing for lack of water in a mostly empty house. i want to curl up in an oversized armchair and scan my bookshelf to reread chapters from something dog-eared and friendly.
i need to find a way to serve both masters.
25.9.10
out of the wild
well it's a mystery to me
we have a greed
to which we have agreed
i'd not really listened to the lyrics of this eddie vedder song until this week. of course that is what happens to me most of the time. songs find me when i need them - they pop up like flags pressing me to think. i always joke that life is a musical, and that you just need to sing. in reality it's more like a soundtrack to a movie, with the prose painting pictures for me to ponder.
i'm sitting in downtown flagstaff watching football. i've been here almost exactly a week. i came here for a lot of reasons - visit a friend, see the town, check out grad school, have an adventure, get out of moab - there were and are all these bits of need and interest and searching.
and you think you have to have more than you need
'till you have it all you won't be free
it's amazing how i always end up getting way more than i was looking for.
society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me
i joked a lot this week about dealing with some 'reentry issues.' some of them are pretty comical really. after hand washing the dinner dishes my first night here, my friend pj points out to me that he has a dishwasher.
oh yeah...people have that stuff.
i go to a meeting with a professor in the counseling psych department at nau, and he starts explaining to me the benefits of living in flagstaff despite how small a town it is. he stops mid-sentence because he notices i can't suppress my laugh.
there really is no way to create a relative picture. where i used to live is the size of rhode island, 95% untouched land, and only 3000 people live there.
society, crazy indeed
i hope you're not lonely without me
at aspen we have the students read an allegoric story about a mouse who goes on an adventure. the tale matches well with joseph campbell's outline of the hero's journey. the mouse leaves the comfort of what she knows because she hears a buzzing in her ears. she has an experience unlike one any mouse has ever had, and she goes back to her village to tell others about it. her fellow mice find her changed in appearance and action. she tries to explain herself but no one gets it and they shun her.
when you want more than you have you think you need.
and when you think more than you want your thoughts begin to bleed.
i am in no way trying to say that i am being shunned. to the contrary, i have very much enjoyed being here. my friend pj has been incredibly generous. the people in the town are undeniably friendly.
but i do for the first time understand the description of brian's consciousness in gary paulsen's hatchet. brian talks about how after returning from his experience he realized that he was more aware of the world around him. he noted detail, took less for granted, and in no way was able to describe his experience in a way that others could understand.
i think i need to find a bigger place
'cause when you have more than you think you need more space
now before you start going 'oh poor, poor clare! so misunderstood! her life is so hard!' and offering me cheese to go with my wine (a nice arizona cabernet by the way), know that though i feel some affinity to these characters i do not see this as a bad thing. i like that things look different. i like that things like dishwashers, and iphones, and walk-in hair salons (thanks for making me look good terry!) are adventures rather than just part of the scenery.
society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me
when i left washington state unsiversity back in 2006 i was looking to run away. i'd been pushing and pushing along on the what's-next-career-climbing-networking-circus for what i deemed long enough. i had to get out. i had to see what else there was beyond college campuses and furnished apartments. i wanted to say 'fuck you' to the trappings of my post college life and set out on my own. i did not abandon my car and burn my cash, but took a job working in wilderness therapy in utah.
i asked my kids out there what they would say if someone had told them 1 year ago that they would spend some time in the wilderness in utah hoarding rabbit shit and eating food out of a coffee can. being a bit older i'd ask that of myself swapping 10 years for 1.
ten years ago i was interning for a political party in london. you do the math.
society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me
there were two things i never thought would happen. 1) i never thought i would be in utah for over 4 years, and 2) i never thought i'd want to return to working on a college campus.
just kidding. actually there is a third thing. i was short sighted enough to think that the only thing that would happen if i went into the wilderness was that i would change some lives. i'd help kids, inspire families, and perhaps form some solid relationships. i forgot (as i always do) that going to the wilderness would change me way more than anyone else in the picture.
the things i've done - the things i've experienced.
i've slept out under the stars for over 400 days. i've thought i would die in the middle of a raging thunderstorm. i've lived in a 2 bedroom house with seven other people. my wardrobe consisted of 1 pr jeans, 1 pr carhartts, 3 t-shirts, 2 tanks, some warm jackets, 5 pr socks, unmentionables and one dress i never had a reason to wear. i raised a therapy dog who is more therapeutic for me than anyone else. i've lived in a yurt with no running water. i've been single, committed, abused, abandoned, unrequited, and head over heels in love. i cycled 1800 miles in a foreign country. i've eaten meals made out of nothing but food i harvested. all that i owned fit into my volkswagen.
i think i will stop lest i bore you with the details.
there's those thinking more or less, less is more
but if less is more how you're keeping score?
i often joke that i do nothing half-assed. pretty much what i mean is that i live in extremes. i go to one end of the spectrum or the other, the pendulum never slowing enough for me to get off in the middle. it's how i set myself up for success. it worked great for me (or at least i thought so) until i got back from new zealand and i started seeing how that way of being distorted the balance of my life. at the time i resolved that i had to let go of the things on the fringes and focus on forming myself from the center out. one of those things was going back to school for a phd.
what you let go often comes back.
so i seek now a way to integrate rather than divide. i want to live in a world where i don't have to reject the way life is, but maintain that sense that nothing should be taken for granted. i climbed the highest peak in arizona the other day, and i took my phone with me to post pictures of the top on facebook. you might laugh, but that is something i'd never have done a year ago. i'd have turned up my nose at the idea of technology in the outdoors, rather than using the technology to enhance the experience. i felt how strange doing this felt to me, and reminded myself that as long as it is not something that i ever feel i HAVE to do, or that i forget that one can do it differently i am not losing anything.
sometimes it's had to calm the inner O.D.D. child.
means for every point you make the level drops
kind like it's starting from the top
you can't do that
i can't help the people the way i want without going back to school. i can't go to school without leaving utah - the part i've been in anyway. one of the therapists i worked with, ken, used to read us this great quote i can never exactly remember. it focuses on how you can't stay up on the summit of the mountain. it's not habitable. in the end you have to go back to the hills or plains below. you bring with you the lessons learned from achieving the summit, and seek to integrate them into your life below.
society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me
so i sit here in flagstaff and watch texas on the happy end of a turnover. i missed watching sports. i missed sitting in bars and meeting people. i missed night life and shopping and restaurants that serve more than republican food. at the moment my inner rebel is excited to be here because it's new and different. she pushes me to go off the deep end and just toss all the lessons i learned in utah. she wants me to forsake it. the pendulum swings and i have to work to slow it down.
of course consciousness is not action. i've been terrible to my body this week. i've spent more money than i intended. i've forgotten things i cared about.
society, have mercy on me
hope you're not angry if i disagree
now it's about finding that center. i don't know if it will be in flagstaff or somewhere else. i don't know if i will get a job or go to school. i don't even know if i will end up with any of the things i have thought about or planned.
society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me
living...
we have a greed
to which we have agreed
i'd not really listened to the lyrics of this eddie vedder song until this week. of course that is what happens to me most of the time. songs find me when i need them - they pop up like flags pressing me to think. i always joke that life is a musical, and that you just need to sing. in reality it's more like a soundtrack to a movie, with the prose painting pictures for me to ponder.
i'm sitting in downtown flagstaff watching football. i've been here almost exactly a week. i came here for a lot of reasons - visit a friend, see the town, check out grad school, have an adventure, get out of moab - there were and are all these bits of need and interest and searching.
and you think you have to have more than you need
'till you have it all you won't be free
it's amazing how i always end up getting way more than i was looking for.
society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me
i joked a lot this week about dealing with some 'reentry issues.' some of them are pretty comical really. after hand washing the dinner dishes my first night here, my friend pj points out to me that he has a dishwasher.
oh yeah...people have that stuff.
i go to a meeting with a professor in the counseling psych department at nau, and he starts explaining to me the benefits of living in flagstaff despite how small a town it is. he stops mid-sentence because he notices i can't suppress my laugh.
there really is no way to create a relative picture. where i used to live is the size of rhode island, 95% untouched land, and only 3000 people live there.
society, crazy indeed
i hope you're not lonely without me
at aspen we have the students read an allegoric story about a mouse who goes on an adventure. the tale matches well with joseph campbell's outline of the hero's journey. the mouse leaves the comfort of what she knows because she hears a buzzing in her ears. she has an experience unlike one any mouse has ever had, and she goes back to her village to tell others about it. her fellow mice find her changed in appearance and action. she tries to explain herself but no one gets it and they shun her.
when you want more than you have you think you need.
and when you think more than you want your thoughts begin to bleed.
i am in no way trying to say that i am being shunned. to the contrary, i have very much enjoyed being here. my friend pj has been incredibly generous. the people in the town are undeniably friendly.
but i do for the first time understand the description of brian's consciousness in gary paulsen's hatchet. brian talks about how after returning from his experience he realized that he was more aware of the world around him. he noted detail, took less for granted, and in no way was able to describe his experience in a way that others could understand.
i think i need to find a bigger place
'cause when you have more than you think you need more space
now before you start going 'oh poor, poor clare! so misunderstood! her life is so hard!' and offering me cheese to go with my wine (a nice arizona cabernet by the way), know that though i feel some affinity to these characters i do not see this as a bad thing. i like that things look different. i like that things like dishwashers, and iphones, and walk-in hair salons (thanks for making me look good terry!) are adventures rather than just part of the scenery.
society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me
when i left washington state unsiversity back in 2006 i was looking to run away. i'd been pushing and pushing along on the what's-next-career-climbing-networking-circus for what i deemed long enough. i had to get out. i had to see what else there was beyond college campuses and furnished apartments. i wanted to say 'fuck you' to the trappings of my post college life and set out on my own. i did not abandon my car and burn my cash, but took a job working in wilderness therapy in utah.
i asked my kids out there what they would say if someone had told them 1 year ago that they would spend some time in the wilderness in utah hoarding rabbit shit and eating food out of a coffee can. being a bit older i'd ask that of myself swapping 10 years for 1.
ten years ago i was interning for a political party in london. you do the math.
society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me
there were two things i never thought would happen. 1) i never thought i would be in utah for over 4 years, and 2) i never thought i'd want to return to working on a college campus.
just kidding. actually there is a third thing. i was short sighted enough to think that the only thing that would happen if i went into the wilderness was that i would change some lives. i'd help kids, inspire families, and perhaps form some solid relationships. i forgot (as i always do) that going to the wilderness would change me way more than anyone else in the picture.
the things i've done - the things i've experienced.
i've slept out under the stars for over 400 days. i've thought i would die in the middle of a raging thunderstorm. i've lived in a 2 bedroom house with seven other people. my wardrobe consisted of 1 pr jeans, 1 pr carhartts, 3 t-shirts, 2 tanks, some warm jackets, 5 pr socks, unmentionables and one dress i never had a reason to wear. i raised a therapy dog who is more therapeutic for me than anyone else. i've lived in a yurt with no running water. i've been single, committed, abused, abandoned, unrequited, and head over heels in love. i cycled 1800 miles in a foreign country. i've eaten meals made out of nothing but food i harvested. all that i owned fit into my volkswagen.
i think i will stop lest i bore you with the details.
there's those thinking more or less, less is more
but if less is more how you're keeping score?
i often joke that i do nothing half-assed. pretty much what i mean is that i live in extremes. i go to one end of the spectrum or the other, the pendulum never slowing enough for me to get off in the middle. it's how i set myself up for success. it worked great for me (or at least i thought so) until i got back from new zealand and i started seeing how that way of being distorted the balance of my life. at the time i resolved that i had to let go of the things on the fringes and focus on forming myself from the center out. one of those things was going back to school for a phd.
what you let go often comes back.
so i seek now a way to integrate rather than divide. i want to live in a world where i don't have to reject the way life is, but maintain that sense that nothing should be taken for granted. i climbed the highest peak in arizona the other day, and i took my phone with me to post pictures of the top on facebook. you might laugh, but that is something i'd never have done a year ago. i'd have turned up my nose at the idea of technology in the outdoors, rather than using the technology to enhance the experience. i felt how strange doing this felt to me, and reminded myself that as long as it is not something that i ever feel i HAVE to do, or that i forget that one can do it differently i am not losing anything.
sometimes it's had to calm the inner O.D.D. child.
means for every point you make the level drops
kind like it's starting from the top
you can't do that
i can't help the people the way i want without going back to school. i can't go to school without leaving utah - the part i've been in anyway. one of the therapists i worked with, ken, used to read us this great quote i can never exactly remember. it focuses on how you can't stay up on the summit of the mountain. it's not habitable. in the end you have to go back to the hills or plains below. you bring with you the lessons learned from achieving the summit, and seek to integrate them into your life below.
society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me
so i sit here in flagstaff and watch texas on the happy end of a turnover. i missed watching sports. i missed sitting in bars and meeting people. i missed night life and shopping and restaurants that serve more than republican food. at the moment my inner rebel is excited to be here because it's new and different. she pushes me to go off the deep end and just toss all the lessons i learned in utah. she wants me to forsake it. the pendulum swings and i have to work to slow it down.
of course consciousness is not action. i've been terrible to my body this week. i've spent more money than i intended. i've forgotten things i cared about.
society, have mercy on me
hope you're not angry if i disagree
now it's about finding that center. i don't know if it will be in flagstaff or somewhere else. i don't know if i will get a job or go to school. i don't even know if i will end up with any of the things i have thought about or planned.
society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me
living...
22.9.10
rainy day woman
woke up today to a dull roar and the unmistakable smell of desert rain.
i've woken to rain before. i've sensed the vibration of it hitting my legs as i lay curled in my bivy, watched it roll off the domed window on top of the yurt, or even risen in my residence hall apartment to realize i could not hear it at all. some days i dread getting up and out into the rain while others i can't wait to jump in the puddles. rain is a gift, a curse, a cleansing, a warning, a metaphor for power, life, sadness, catharsis, emotion...
...yeah i could go on. but i am not feeling all that woo woo today (those of you who know me please feel free to insert your own personal chuckle here).
i was going to climb the highest peak in arizona today. though not looking for an alpine start, the plan was to leave shortly after sunrise to avoid the heat and really make a day of it. i mean, as long as i have the time for a 6 hour hike on a wednesday i should probably take advantage right? the arrival of this torrential alarm signaled to me that i would have to make other plans. i thought about being angry but decided quickly it was no use.
the weather turned into a boon however when i decided to head down to sedona for the day. to call the drive down the canyon dramatic might be an understatement. the mist cleared in patches, revealing brilliant sunbeams that cut through the clouds and turned the showers to silver. the pale rock gave way to deeper reds that shimmered with waterfalls. usually dry washes roared underneath the road, and i could taste the tang of wet ponderosa in the air. the person in front of me on the road went 5-10 mph beneath the speed limit. usually that would really annoy me, but today i took it as a chance to see rather than move.
sedona reminds me of most of the tourist towns i've visited in the west - arty, expensive, beautiful, and sleepy. upon my arrival not even the coffee shops were open. i sat on an empty patio overlooking the rock formations and breathed in quiet. though i am certainly enjoying flagstaff i will say that it is hard there to find true silence. cars whir by on the freeway, trains rattle their tracks, the apartment i am staying in buzzes with electricity, doors slam and people crunch by on the gravel outside. none of this bothers me. in fact, i hardly notice until i get somewhere totally quiet. then the stillness rings in my ears like a harmonious symphony.
i do love that tourist towns sleep late.
despite dropping all this elevation it remains cool out, and the wind rises and falls. the earth-colored houses hide amid the trees, trying desperately to blend in with the rocks. so many of the residents here have planted lavender in their gardens that its scent clings to my clothes from walking the streets. i look back up towards flag and see dark clouds, the fringes of which swirl over my head. after a couple of wandering hours i have been driven inside by the kind of shower that soaks you through even as the sun makes you squint. you look for the offending cloud but all you see is blue sky.
moments like that are brilliant.
of course, they also make me homesick (if i can call it that) for the coffee houses of the pacific northwest.
i am however determined to just enjoy the day. now i sit at a bar with a terribly beautiful view sipping some tasty cabernet and trying to blot out the voice in the back of my head that tells me i should be writing cover letters or looking for graduate schools. i can see that the rain is going to slow, and in twenty minutes you won't even be able to tell there was weather. my feet really hurt from all the blisters i've incurred in the past few days, but i think i'll get out and walk some more in a bit.
am actually not sure why i wrote this. usually i only blog when i have some kind of major point or interesting story. if that is what you were looking for when you read this i suppose i could apologize, but then again this IS my blog. in the absence of a camera it's as good a place as any to collect my thoughts.
so excuse me but i think i might head back out into the rain.
i've woken to rain before. i've sensed the vibration of it hitting my legs as i lay curled in my bivy, watched it roll off the domed window on top of the yurt, or even risen in my residence hall apartment to realize i could not hear it at all. some days i dread getting up and out into the rain while others i can't wait to jump in the puddles. rain is a gift, a curse, a cleansing, a warning, a metaphor for power, life, sadness, catharsis, emotion...
...yeah i could go on. but i am not feeling all that woo woo today (those of you who know me please feel free to insert your own personal chuckle here).
i was going to climb the highest peak in arizona today. though not looking for an alpine start, the plan was to leave shortly after sunrise to avoid the heat and really make a day of it. i mean, as long as i have the time for a 6 hour hike on a wednesday i should probably take advantage right? the arrival of this torrential alarm signaled to me that i would have to make other plans. i thought about being angry but decided quickly it was no use.
the weather turned into a boon however when i decided to head down to sedona for the day. to call the drive down the canyon dramatic might be an understatement. the mist cleared in patches, revealing brilliant sunbeams that cut through the clouds and turned the showers to silver. the pale rock gave way to deeper reds that shimmered with waterfalls. usually dry washes roared underneath the road, and i could taste the tang of wet ponderosa in the air. the person in front of me on the road went 5-10 mph beneath the speed limit. usually that would really annoy me, but today i took it as a chance to see rather than move.
sedona reminds me of most of the tourist towns i've visited in the west - arty, expensive, beautiful, and sleepy. upon my arrival not even the coffee shops were open. i sat on an empty patio overlooking the rock formations and breathed in quiet. though i am certainly enjoying flagstaff i will say that it is hard there to find true silence. cars whir by on the freeway, trains rattle their tracks, the apartment i am staying in buzzes with electricity, doors slam and people crunch by on the gravel outside. none of this bothers me. in fact, i hardly notice until i get somewhere totally quiet. then the stillness rings in my ears like a harmonious symphony.
i do love that tourist towns sleep late.
despite dropping all this elevation it remains cool out, and the wind rises and falls. the earth-colored houses hide amid the trees, trying desperately to blend in with the rocks. so many of the residents here have planted lavender in their gardens that its scent clings to my clothes from walking the streets. i look back up towards flag and see dark clouds, the fringes of which swirl over my head. after a couple of wandering hours i have been driven inside by the kind of shower that soaks you through even as the sun makes you squint. you look for the offending cloud but all you see is blue sky.
moments like that are brilliant.
of course, they also make me homesick (if i can call it that) for the coffee houses of the pacific northwest.
i am however determined to just enjoy the day. now i sit at a bar with a terribly beautiful view sipping some tasty cabernet and trying to blot out the voice in the back of my head that tells me i should be writing cover letters or looking for graduate schools. i can see that the rain is going to slow, and in twenty minutes you won't even be able to tell there was weather. my feet really hurt from all the blisters i've incurred in the past few days, but i think i'll get out and walk some more in a bit.
am actually not sure why i wrote this. usually i only blog when i have some kind of major point or interesting story. if that is what you were looking for when you read this i suppose i could apologize, but then again this IS my blog. in the absence of a camera it's as good a place as any to collect my thoughts.
so excuse me but i think i might head back out into the rain.
9.9.10
did you really just say that?
am staying in an RV park for the first time. jason's parents were wonderful to us and lent us their RV to live in for a while. we are currently charging the batteries and enjoying the free wifi at the OK RV Park.
so you know the game...the game where you put the word 'anal' in front of the names of SUVs? its one of those adolescent games you play on a road trip.
well we have been doing it with the RV's
so here you go - i am going to put here the names of the RVs here in the park. you can choose to play along or not, but it's funnier if you say them to yourself.
explorer
intruder
predator
bounder
view
compass
netherlander
envoy
wildcat
monster
freedom
avatar
highlander
liberty
excursion
hehe...
so you know the game...the game where you put the word 'anal' in front of the names of SUVs? its one of those adolescent games you play on a road trip.
well we have been doing it with the RV's
so here you go - i am going to put here the names of the RVs here in the park. you can choose to play along or not, but it's funnier if you say them to yourself.
explorer
intruder
predator
bounder
view
compass
netherlander
envoy
wildcat
monster
freedom
avatar
highlander
liberty
excursion
hehe...
7.9.10
service leadership
a while back...shoot...maybe more than a while back, i was working in the field and got a visit from my director, brad. it was february or march - cold and sunny as the desert spring always is - and we took a walk from the group to chat a while.
we talked about life, future, plans. we talked about my recent breakdown in the field which led me to panic and call to base that i had to leave. we talked about my on again off again relationship. we talked about my dog.
but that was not why he came to see me.
brad wanted to know if i was going to apply for the job opening in the field department. he knew i was getting burnt out on the work and looking for something new. he knew i had been putting in select applications to return to university life, and he knew that i had already set my end date at aspen for field work. he knew i was going to say yes when he asked me if i would apply, but he came to ask me anyhow.
in the end it was not really that question that brought brad to the wilderness to talk. that was just the ramp up. he wanted to give me some feedback that i needed to hear. need to, but would not want to. a master craftsman of difficult feedback, he laid an impeccable foundation that set me up to listen to his thoughts about my work, my growth, and my leadership.
"you do too much," he said. "people who work with you don't get a chance to grow."
when you get a mirror like that held up to you - the kind that blindsides you with truths you had no idea existed - it can be devastating. the idea that my own drive to be perfect and solid and the best at what i do was stunting others hit me hard - not unlike a mack truck taking out a deer. i went to the desert to learn about myself, but the edification process really hurt.
it's been a while - still not sure how long a while - since i got that feedback. i feel grateful that i did. though i still often fall into the pattern of doing everything myself so that i know it gets done correctly, my aim is not necessarily perfection but balance. that conversation changed how i think about leadership in many ways. it pushed me to think about leading by stepping back, by empowering, and by helping rather than by doing. leadership can be more than charging ahead. it can be more than creating vision.
leadership can be so many things.
i read an article in the NY times today that talked about arizona politicians serving corn to constituents. the woman who organizes the event said of it simply, "people want leaders who will serve them." i thought that was a beautiful way to think about leadership. if you take it on with a heart of service then there is nothing you will be unwilling to do when you lead. no person bigger than the team, everyone pitches in, no I anywhere in there etc. etc.
i make light...i think my brain is stuck in grey's anatomy voice over mode.
really though - service leadership. i really like it.
now i just have to figure out how to enact it.
we talked about life, future, plans. we talked about my recent breakdown in the field which led me to panic and call to base that i had to leave. we talked about my on again off again relationship. we talked about my dog.
but that was not why he came to see me.
brad wanted to know if i was going to apply for the job opening in the field department. he knew i was getting burnt out on the work and looking for something new. he knew i had been putting in select applications to return to university life, and he knew that i had already set my end date at aspen for field work. he knew i was going to say yes when he asked me if i would apply, but he came to ask me anyhow.
in the end it was not really that question that brought brad to the wilderness to talk. that was just the ramp up. he wanted to give me some feedback that i needed to hear. need to, but would not want to. a master craftsman of difficult feedback, he laid an impeccable foundation that set me up to listen to his thoughts about my work, my growth, and my leadership.
"you do too much," he said. "people who work with you don't get a chance to grow."
when you get a mirror like that held up to you - the kind that blindsides you with truths you had no idea existed - it can be devastating. the idea that my own drive to be perfect and solid and the best at what i do was stunting others hit me hard - not unlike a mack truck taking out a deer. i went to the desert to learn about myself, but the edification process really hurt.
it's been a while - still not sure how long a while - since i got that feedback. i feel grateful that i did. though i still often fall into the pattern of doing everything myself so that i know it gets done correctly, my aim is not necessarily perfection but balance. that conversation changed how i think about leadership in many ways. it pushed me to think about leading by stepping back, by empowering, and by helping rather than by doing. leadership can be more than charging ahead. it can be more than creating vision.
leadership can be so many things.
i read an article in the NY times today that talked about arizona politicians serving corn to constituents. the woman who organizes the event said of it simply, "people want leaders who will serve them." i thought that was a beautiful way to think about leadership. if you take it on with a heart of service then there is nothing you will be unwilling to do when you lead. no person bigger than the team, everyone pitches in, no I anywhere in there etc. etc.
i make light...i think my brain is stuck in grey's anatomy voice over mode.
really though - service leadership. i really like it.
now i just have to figure out how to enact it.
23.8.10
the curse of the superhero
invulnerability.
isn't that supposed to be some kind of superpower or something?
sat with a dear friend this morning. i've known her 4 years, and our conversations are never dull. we talk about work. we talk about children. we talk about men. we...just...talk...and when i leave and think about what it is we've discussed i have always felt surprised at how deep we go and how much i discover in those moments.
i think by talking in case you did not know.
my friend today shared with me some tough stuff - dealing with a divorce and the realities of being a single, working mother. when it came up she teared a bit and said to me 'i'm sorry - i'm a bit raw today.' what i found significant about that moment was not that she apologized for being emotional (no one ever need do that with me), but that it was her vulnerability that allowed us to have that conversation.
it opened the door for me to talk about things in my life - the worries, stress, passion, anger, fear. i found myself giving voice to things that even i had not until that moment. i found new things in myself that were surprising and noteworthy. things i had not been looking for, but just came to me. i believe that the vulnerability of my friend is what allowed that to happen.
i've been feeling very vulnerable the past few days. i have been so focused on leaving moab and finding a job and getting out of my lease that i have been taking on a mantle of false-invulnerability. i'd spent half a day putting on my best face for a job interview as well. but then...then i had another conversation (this one unfortunately not face to face) with a friend with whom i have been wanting to make amends. in apologizing and trying (ineloquently i might add) to explain myself, i opened a door within myself and i found loads of things rushing out. most of what i found were things i'd been thinking about for a while, but in engaging in a vulnerable moment i came to clarity on some things, put words to personal traits i'd not yet explained to myself, and left the door open to deal with other things as well.
forgiveness seems to be another theme in all of this. not just seeking it from others, but locating it in my own heart and making peace with wrongs done me. i spoke at length with a friend recently (again with the think/talk connection) about challenges between children and parents. i realized in that conversation that the anger and resentment i'd built toward my parents for wrongs of the past was all but gone, and i was fine with seeing them as fallible, human, people. i also sat for an hour this week with my ex who deeply wronged me talking about life and plans and the future. though in neither of these situations did i spend time talking about the wrongs, i found in myself a willingness to just move on - a peace from taking down the wall and just letting people in.
in contrast i also had an interaction with someone who has meant a great deal to me and it was awkward and awful. despite all that we had been through together, and all we had been going through of late, we spoke for about 10 minutes about things as useless as the weather and as sterile as how our job searches were going. as i walked away i hearkened back to the time where we talked in depth about emotion and fear and love and life. we'd cried in one another's arms. i saw that a wall had come up slowly there that blocked those interactions. i spent a fleeting moment trying to decide why, but came to the conclusion that i probably never would know. instead i am trying to accept that for some reason the time of vulnerability has passed and that to one another we must project the invulnerable. superheroes fighting side by side and never knowing the others' secret identity.
for the moment i am wrapped in the sad sweetness of vulnerability in the face of challenge and fear. it's hard to stay here. i know i can in the wave of my mind's hand put up the wall even to myself. but i think i am going to sit here a while and see what else comes.
“Live your daily life in a way that you never lose yourself. When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself. The practice is always to go back to oneself.” - Tich Nhat Han
isn't that supposed to be some kind of superpower or something?
sat with a dear friend this morning. i've known her 4 years, and our conversations are never dull. we talk about work. we talk about children. we talk about men. we...just...talk...and when i leave and think about what it is we've discussed i have always felt surprised at how deep we go and how much i discover in those moments.
i think by talking in case you did not know.
my friend today shared with me some tough stuff - dealing with a divorce and the realities of being a single, working mother. when it came up she teared a bit and said to me 'i'm sorry - i'm a bit raw today.' what i found significant about that moment was not that she apologized for being emotional (no one ever need do that with me), but that it was her vulnerability that allowed us to have that conversation.
it opened the door for me to talk about things in my life - the worries, stress, passion, anger, fear. i found myself giving voice to things that even i had not until that moment. i found new things in myself that were surprising and noteworthy. things i had not been looking for, but just came to me. i believe that the vulnerability of my friend is what allowed that to happen.
i've been feeling very vulnerable the past few days. i have been so focused on leaving moab and finding a job and getting out of my lease that i have been taking on a mantle of false-invulnerability. i'd spent half a day putting on my best face for a job interview as well. but then...then i had another conversation (this one unfortunately not face to face) with a friend with whom i have been wanting to make amends. in apologizing and trying (ineloquently i might add) to explain myself, i opened a door within myself and i found loads of things rushing out. most of what i found were things i'd been thinking about for a while, but in engaging in a vulnerable moment i came to clarity on some things, put words to personal traits i'd not yet explained to myself, and left the door open to deal with other things as well.
forgiveness seems to be another theme in all of this. not just seeking it from others, but locating it in my own heart and making peace with wrongs done me. i spoke at length with a friend recently (again with the think/talk connection) about challenges between children and parents. i realized in that conversation that the anger and resentment i'd built toward my parents for wrongs of the past was all but gone, and i was fine with seeing them as fallible, human, people. i also sat for an hour this week with my ex who deeply wronged me talking about life and plans and the future. though in neither of these situations did i spend time talking about the wrongs, i found in myself a willingness to just move on - a peace from taking down the wall and just letting people in.
in contrast i also had an interaction with someone who has meant a great deal to me and it was awkward and awful. despite all that we had been through together, and all we had been going through of late, we spoke for about 10 minutes about things as useless as the weather and as sterile as how our job searches were going. as i walked away i hearkened back to the time where we talked in depth about emotion and fear and love and life. we'd cried in one another's arms. i saw that a wall had come up slowly there that blocked those interactions. i spent a fleeting moment trying to decide why, but came to the conclusion that i probably never would know. instead i am trying to accept that for some reason the time of vulnerability has passed and that to one another we must project the invulnerable. superheroes fighting side by side and never knowing the others' secret identity.
for the moment i am wrapped in the sad sweetness of vulnerability in the face of challenge and fear. it's hard to stay here. i know i can in the wave of my mind's hand put up the wall even to myself. but i think i am going to sit here a while and see what else comes.
“Live your daily life in a way that you never lose yourself. When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself. The practice is always to go back to oneself.” - Tich Nhat Han
18.8.10
flight patterns
i was only supposed to be in oregon for a moment...metaphorically i mean.
24 hours after leaving the blazing utah desert for the greener pastures of the pacific northwest i was loading my wheelie suitcase onto a quasi air conditioned shuttle van aimed at the eugene airport. my mission was accomplished - i'd spent the morning discussing conflict resolution and student development theories in a series of job interviews - and i was heading back to utah with the patient resolve of a handcart trekker.
i'd heard an NPR program arguing that flying in this tight economy is a total joy. if by 'joy' you mean an invasive, expensive enterprise in which one is herded like a steer through rows of webbing, scanned, frisked, surveyed, and then packed into tiny spaces to await transport. i was prepared to hold my nose for a cold plunge.
now i really did not log a lot of flight time before 9/11. i lived less than a four hour drive from home until 2003 when curiosity, boredom, a sense of adventure, and a job offer took me over the rockies never to look back. i only dimly recall a time when people could walk in to meet you at the gate with their flowers or hugs or handwritten signs bearing your name. i know that i have to go through a series of measures to ensure that i or the woman with the eight children has not planted explosives in the underwire of our bras. however this was my first experience with the whole star-trek style scanner-space pod-tube thing. i stood on the carefully stenciled footprints with my hands in the air wondering if i should have put some of those x-ray proof pasties with 'top secret' emblazoned on my nipples. i will say it was nice not to have to strip off all of my jewelry.
i will also say that though i know that there were a lot of issues when all of these safety measures came into effect, but the TSA has got its shit together. the one thing i do remember from flying when i was younger was waiting, waiting, waiting to do even the most modest of security. in the past year or so i've hardly stood still while going through security. often i feel rushed.
but you just can't plan for everything.
in no way do i want an airline to send me hurtling through the air unless my plane is completely, totally, absolutely, seriously, perfectly, clearly, blatantly (i think you get the point) safe. so i will say that when i heard they were going to have a mechanic come check the tire on the plane i felt nervous (who wants to think there is something wrong with the plane) and comforted (hey, at least they are not being unsafe to make some bucks). however, as time dragged on i began to worry about my connecting flight. the line at the gate desk was impossibly long and moving so slowly that watching grass grow, dough rise, and paint dry all at the same might have been better endeavors than standing in it. i opted for an less arduous approach - i got the phone number online and called up customer service on my cell. waiting in line is so last century.
within a few minutes i had a backup plan...and more information about my plane, flight, and situation than the folks at the gate standing 25 feet from me had relayed. i called my boss to let him know i might not make it in time for work in the morning, called my boyfriend to tell him that i would not be back in time to see him off for the field, and settled in for the long haul. thanks to the people who gave me assistance in getting on track. no thanks to the people at the gate who seemed lost but were obviously linked in enough to communicate with cyberspace even if they could not be bothered even to make an announcement when we finally started boarding.
i got off the plane nine minutes before my connection was set to take off, so fat chance of making it. i opted to take on the middle leg of the air traveler's triathlon anyhow, sprinting along through the terminal in the amused and empathetic gaze of my fellow travelers (if you can call them that for simply noticing me as i slowly flashed by). knowing i was not going to make the flight i decided my plan was to get there quickly in case i could catch the people at the desk and get them to help me out. my plan worked out well - for me at least. i did notice a certain hint of dismay in the eyes of the man who was about to leave his post when i came panting to a sweaty stop asking for a new flight, hotel, and meal vouchers.
in the end i did not do too badly. the airline set me up with a morning flight to salt lake, a stay in a comfort suites (which i will say IS quite comfortable), shuttle service to and from the airport, and a meal voucher. i arrived at my home-for-the-night (home is where you hang your food bag to anyone who has backpacked for a living) exhausted and ready for free wi-fi, a hot tub, and a meal.
'meal voucher' is a relative term. after spending the better part of an hour on the phone trying to find a restaurant that would take it, i realized that the voucher was only for $8. considering the menu at the only restaurant i noted that this was not so much a meal voucher but a food subsidy. you'd think they would spring $15 at least and actually feed me. i did end up losing an eight hour day at my low-paying hourly wage job for their mechanical issues. don't get me wrong - i used my subsidy for a nice burger...i just wish it had paid for more than the bun.
the rest of the trip is not that noteworthy (she says before it's over...i hope i don't end up kicking myself for that). i will say i am kind of sad i was not grounded in eugene. it would have been nice to explore a bit and learn more about the town to which i might be moving. now i am cruising at some-number-of-thousand feet up and i can see the tops of volcanoes coming up for air in a sea of clouds. i've been served my diet coke and baggie of courtesy pretzels and have had an interesting conversation with my single-serving friend (he manages the columbia river - can't say i imagined that a river needed managing - i smell my next blog topic on the horizon). i've even managed to get through the takeoff without my usual dramamine and white wine cocktail that ensures lack of vomiting and heavy sleep until landing (i have to drive 4 hours after this - my mom will be proud of me for being responsible).
anyhow - happy travels to you all. am hoping the same for me.
24 hours after leaving the blazing utah desert for the greener pastures of the pacific northwest i was loading my wheelie suitcase onto a quasi air conditioned shuttle van aimed at the eugene airport. my mission was accomplished - i'd spent the morning discussing conflict resolution and student development theories in a series of job interviews - and i was heading back to utah with the patient resolve of a handcart trekker.
i'd heard an NPR program arguing that flying in this tight economy is a total joy. if by 'joy' you mean an invasive, expensive enterprise in which one is herded like a steer through rows of webbing, scanned, frisked, surveyed, and then packed into tiny spaces to await transport. i was prepared to hold my nose for a cold plunge.
now i really did not log a lot of flight time before 9/11. i lived less than a four hour drive from home until 2003 when curiosity, boredom, a sense of adventure, and a job offer took me over the rockies never to look back. i only dimly recall a time when people could walk in to meet you at the gate with their flowers or hugs or handwritten signs bearing your name. i know that i have to go through a series of measures to ensure that i or the woman with the eight children has not planted explosives in the underwire of our bras. however this was my first experience with the whole star-trek style scanner-space pod-tube thing. i stood on the carefully stenciled footprints with my hands in the air wondering if i should have put some of those x-ray proof pasties with 'top secret' emblazoned on my nipples. i will say it was nice not to have to strip off all of my jewelry.
i will also say that though i know that there were a lot of issues when all of these safety measures came into effect, but the TSA has got its shit together. the one thing i do remember from flying when i was younger was waiting, waiting, waiting to do even the most modest of security. in the past year or so i've hardly stood still while going through security. often i feel rushed.
but you just can't plan for everything.
in no way do i want an airline to send me hurtling through the air unless my plane is completely, totally, absolutely, seriously, perfectly, clearly, blatantly (i think you get the point) safe. so i will say that when i heard they were going to have a mechanic come check the tire on the plane i felt nervous (who wants to think there is something wrong with the plane) and comforted (hey, at least they are not being unsafe to make some bucks). however, as time dragged on i began to worry about my connecting flight. the line at the gate desk was impossibly long and moving so slowly that watching grass grow, dough rise, and paint dry all at the same might have been better endeavors than standing in it. i opted for an less arduous approach - i got the phone number online and called up customer service on my cell. waiting in line is so last century.
within a few minutes i had a backup plan...and more information about my plane, flight, and situation than the folks at the gate standing 25 feet from me had relayed. i called my boss to let him know i might not make it in time for work in the morning, called my boyfriend to tell him that i would not be back in time to see him off for the field, and settled in for the long haul. thanks to the people who gave me assistance in getting on track. no thanks to the people at the gate who seemed lost but were obviously linked in enough to communicate with cyberspace even if they could not be bothered even to make an announcement when we finally started boarding.
i got off the plane nine minutes before my connection was set to take off, so fat chance of making it. i opted to take on the middle leg of the air traveler's triathlon anyhow, sprinting along through the terminal in the amused and empathetic gaze of my fellow travelers (if you can call them that for simply noticing me as i slowly flashed by). knowing i was not going to make the flight i decided my plan was to get there quickly in case i could catch the people at the desk and get them to help me out. my plan worked out well - for me at least. i did notice a certain hint of dismay in the eyes of the man who was about to leave his post when i came panting to a sweaty stop asking for a new flight, hotel, and meal vouchers.
in the end i did not do too badly. the airline set me up with a morning flight to salt lake, a stay in a comfort suites (which i will say IS quite comfortable), shuttle service to and from the airport, and a meal voucher. i arrived at my home-for-the-night (home is where you hang your food bag to anyone who has backpacked for a living) exhausted and ready for free wi-fi, a hot tub, and a meal.
'meal voucher' is a relative term. after spending the better part of an hour on the phone trying to find a restaurant that would take it, i realized that the voucher was only for $8. considering the menu at the only restaurant i noted that this was not so much a meal voucher but a food subsidy. you'd think they would spring $15 at least and actually feed me. i did end up losing an eight hour day at my low-paying hourly wage job for their mechanical issues. don't get me wrong - i used my subsidy for a nice burger...i just wish it had paid for more than the bun.
the rest of the trip is not that noteworthy (she says before it's over...i hope i don't end up kicking myself for that). i will say i am kind of sad i was not grounded in eugene. it would have been nice to explore a bit and learn more about the town to which i might be moving. now i am cruising at some-number-of-thousand feet up and i can see the tops of volcanoes coming up for air in a sea of clouds. i've been served my diet coke and baggie of courtesy pretzels and have had an interesting conversation with my single-serving friend (he manages the columbia river - can't say i imagined that a river needed managing - i smell my next blog topic on the horizon). i've even managed to get through the takeoff without my usual dramamine and white wine cocktail that ensures lack of vomiting and heavy sleep until landing (i have to drive 4 hours after this - my mom will be proud of me for being responsible).
anyhow - happy travels to you all. am hoping the same for me.
12.8.10
how not to get a job
so at the moment i am in the middle of two different job searches. one, i am looking for a new position for myself, and two, i am looking for someone to replace me. its interesting to be on both sides of the process simultaneously. i have a lot more empathy when i see that look in people's eyes that tells you 'i need this job.' i gain new ideas for my cover letters and resume with each application i read.
i've been interviewing people for 9 years now. it all started when i took a position as senior interviewer at clark university. i met with prospective students and talked with them about their goals, what they wanted in a school, and then answered questions. afterward i did a writeup that went into their application file. i have no clue what kind of bearing my thoughts had on their application, but i felt very empowered in the position nonetheless. since then i have sat on and chaired hiring committees, served as employee trainer-interviewer at a wilderness program, and took on the role of trainer-recruiter while working at the aspen achievement academy. i can't put a number on the amount of interviews i've done in these 9 years, but i'd wager its well into the high hundreds.
i like interviewing. i like job searching. i don't like the stress of wondering if i am going to get rejected, or the worry of crunching out yet another cover letter. i like having 30 minutes to connect with someone and let them know who i am. i like sharing my thoughts and philosophies. my inner narcissist thrills at a time when it is really all...about...me. since i enjoy doing it myself, and i've been involved with so many other people's processes as well, i have started helping others.' just this week i did two references, helped with two cover letters, and provided much-needed advice to a person who certainly did not have it together (and if you are one of the people i helped this week and you actually know me - i am NOT referring to you with that last comment).
i do have some tips for people on what not to do when applying for a job. these come from 9 years of experience with interviews, cover letters, and resumes.
from the archives:
i've been interviewing people for 9 years now. it all started when i took a position as senior interviewer at clark university. i met with prospective students and talked with them about their goals, what they wanted in a school, and then answered questions. afterward i did a writeup that went into their application file. i have no clue what kind of bearing my thoughts had on their application, but i felt very empowered in the position nonetheless. since then i have sat on and chaired hiring committees, served as employee trainer-interviewer at a wilderness program, and took on the role of trainer-recruiter while working at the aspen achievement academy. i can't put a number on the amount of interviews i've done in these 9 years, but i'd wager its well into the high hundreds.
i like interviewing. i like job searching. i don't like the stress of wondering if i am going to get rejected, or the worry of crunching out yet another cover letter. i like having 30 minutes to connect with someone and let them know who i am. i like sharing my thoughts and philosophies. my inner narcissist thrills at a time when it is really all...about...me. since i enjoy doing it myself, and i've been involved with so many other people's processes as well, i have started helping others.' just this week i did two references, helped with two cover letters, and provided much-needed advice to a person who certainly did not have it together (and if you are one of the people i helped this week and you actually know me - i am NOT referring to you with that last comment).
i do have some tips for people on what not to do when applying for a job. these come from 9 years of experience with interviews, cover letters, and resumes.
from the archives:
- though its nice that you have hobbies, i don't think that 'adult magazine collector' is something you want to advertise to your future employer - unless you are applying to work for larry flint. i am not larry flint - i am less lecherous and female.
- i also don't recommend including history about your past lives in your cover letter. it's great that you were a medicine woman two lives ago, but i think things have changed a bit since then.
- please don't spend time trying to convince me you are not an illegal citizen right when you walk into the interivew. i am not the state of arizona.
- bursting into tears in a phone interview because i gave you some constructive feedback does not bode well for your ability to take direction.
- i do not recommend printing your resume and cover letter in rainbow font. it does not make you look creative and outside the box. it makes you look like a crazed LSD freak.
- please do not include the names of your kids in your cover letter. its nice you are a parent, but jimmy, joey, johnny, joshie and susan are not coming to work with me. i can learn about them later as i am sure you are going to come in with three cardboard boxes filled with pictures, art projects, and their baby scrapbooks.
- coming to an interview stoned and smelling of pot is a great way to get a job at a head shop. btw - i would never work at a head shop.
- punctuation, is nice only, when; put in the right - places.
- when i interview you on the phone, i don't appreciate it if you ask me what i am wearing. though in this situation the person was not trying to come on to me, it was still creepy.
- when writing a cover letter please AVOID highlighting things using ALL CAPS. i don't like it when people shout at me even in print.
- if you must put a picture on your resume please do not make it one of you in a bathing suit.
- i don't recommend that you joke about how our health policy can help you when you get crabs. it makes me want to take a bath in hand sanitizer once you leave the room...oh...and burn the chair you were sitting in.
i am sure i will have more as life moves along. its just nice to get these little reminders...to have faith in humanity...?
10.8.10
plagiarize this!
am thinking today about creativity per the radio west show i listened to yesterday arguing that we are, as a culture, becoming less and less creative. this came to me in combination with a ny times article about plagiarism and the internet and a recent foray into richard louv's 'last child in the woods.' what comes to me after experiencing these pieces touch upon three things 1) loss of creativity and imagination, 2) the impact of digital media on our culture, and 3) the question of how to foster important life skills while honoring technological advances.
if you are reading this you have in some way bought in to the immediate, accessible, intangible world of the internet. i know that i use the web on a daily basis to look for jobs, connect with friends, read the news, and research things. there are times when i find myself feeling a NEED for that access. instead of playing my guitar, working in my garden, walking my dog, i fold myself into this safe digital 'space' happily. i build virtual relationships (there are people 'in' my life i have not spoken to directly in years), read news as it come to me (often without depth of content), send my own thoughts into cyberspace (if you can call it a space), and even build a little frontier village complete with digital animals, crops and a family.
i can see how virtual reality cuts into my actual reality (thank you jonathan larson), and i try to be conscious of that fact. i don't think that is so much the case for the millennial generation. my younger cousins don't recall a time when mail did not come on a screen and where 'chatting' included a keyboard. if that is the way life is why would one divide their consciousness like i try to? kids don't play in the woods, learn the art of meaningful conversation, or understand how to verify facts. i can see why plagiarism has become fuzzy around the edges - our own reality has been ever so slightly drawn out of focus. if reality is not always 'real,' how can facts be?
there was a lovely editorial written about that ny times article arguing that if professors were to make paper-writing a process rather than an assignment they might have less cheating and more learning. i completely agree, and would take it farther to include the rest of life as well. there are so mant other places in life where we are no longer involved in process. food needs only a couple of buttons pressed to eat ('processed' replaces 'process'), conversations are reduced to 'gtg' or 'rofl' on keypads, and we all travel around in our cars, windows closed to the weather. if we all make a greater effort to get our hands dirty we might not see such a decline in creativity in schoolchildren.
i don't advocate the removal of digital technology from our lives. i love being able to call my friends at a moment's notice, write blog articles, read the paper without having to change the delivery address each time i move, and find recipes at the drop of a hat. however i do hope that people can come up with a way to maintain our actual reality and avoid getting lost in the virtual. the connection we can get with ourselves, others, and our planet is worth the effort!
now, if you will excuse me, i need to go back to reality.
if you are reading this you have in some way bought in to the immediate, accessible, intangible world of the internet. i know that i use the web on a daily basis to look for jobs, connect with friends, read the news, and research things. there are times when i find myself feeling a NEED for that access. instead of playing my guitar, working in my garden, walking my dog, i fold myself into this safe digital 'space' happily. i build virtual relationships (there are people 'in' my life i have not spoken to directly in years), read news as it come to me (often without depth of content), send my own thoughts into cyberspace (if you can call it a space), and even build a little frontier village complete with digital animals, crops and a family.
i can see how virtual reality cuts into my actual reality (thank you jonathan larson), and i try to be conscious of that fact. i don't think that is so much the case for the millennial generation. my younger cousins don't recall a time when mail did not come on a screen and where 'chatting' included a keyboard. if that is the way life is why would one divide their consciousness like i try to? kids don't play in the woods, learn the art of meaningful conversation, or understand how to verify facts. i can see why plagiarism has become fuzzy around the edges - our own reality has been ever so slightly drawn out of focus. if reality is not always 'real,' how can facts be?
there was a lovely editorial written about that ny times article arguing that if professors were to make paper-writing a process rather than an assignment they might have less cheating and more learning. i completely agree, and would take it farther to include the rest of life as well. there are so mant other places in life where we are no longer involved in process. food needs only a couple of buttons pressed to eat ('processed' replaces 'process'), conversations are reduced to 'gtg' or 'rofl' on keypads, and we all travel around in our cars, windows closed to the weather. if we all make a greater effort to get our hands dirty we might not see such a decline in creativity in schoolchildren.
i don't advocate the removal of digital technology from our lives. i love being able to call my friends at a moment's notice, write blog articles, read the paper without having to change the delivery address each time i move, and find recipes at the drop of a hat. however i do hope that people can come up with a way to maintain our actual reality and avoid getting lost in the virtual. the connection we can get with ourselves, others, and our planet is worth the effort!
now, if you will excuse me, i need to go back to reality.
7.8.10
other people's kids
spent a good portion of my day sitting at the farmers' market talking to people about the small community grants that wabisabi gives out twice a year. it was fun, i met nice people, gave out free lemonade, and stuck promo stickers on lots of little kids. i love farmers' markets. it's great to look the person who grows my food in the eye and hand them the money directly. the food is always so much fresher, tastier, and healthier.
however there was one thing i did not love.
she was small - perhaps 2 or so (i can never age kids properly) - and adorable with long curly hair and a jersey knit sundress. her shoes were pink, her hair tied in a bow to match. she had dark eyes, rosy cheeks, and a smile that warmed me. however the whole cherubic picture was ruined by the fact that she carried with her a 32 oz. bottle of lime, diet, coke.
now i don't have kids. i don't know what its like to raise them, feed them, clothe them. i have never changed diapers or lived paycheck to paycheck to make sure my kid is fed. i've not been up nights with fevers or wiped runny noses or chased monsters out from under the bed. i've never sacrificed my own needs for those of my little ones. because i have not done any of these things i question if it's even valid that i pass judgment on what anyone does with their own children.
but seriously. it makes me so mad.
there are so many other things that you can buy for your kid. you can get them juice, you can get them milk, you can run them water out from the tap. hell. i was giving out free lemonade - dump that shit and fill up with me! why on earth should anyone be giving diet coke to a kid that age? not only is that just awful, but to give her so much of it that the bottle is almost as tall as she is?
and the message that doing such a thing sends to your kid about health and what is good for you. this kid is walking around a farmers' market! it's the epitome of local, grassroots, healthy, and sustainable. what a ridiculous oxymoron. it made me mad like seeing parents stuffing their already obsese six-year-olds with more macdonalds.
but it does not stop there.
the mother came over to talk to me, got lemonade for herself only, and then we chatted for a bit. she seemed very kind. certainly i kept my mouth shut about her choice for her daughter...until the little girl finished her soda and tried to hand the cap from the bottle to her mother. her mother looked at her and said 'i don't want that - what are you going to do with it?' instantly the girl tossed the cap onto the ground.
and the mother let her.
she turned from me to walk away and i just could take it no longer. 'you forgot the cap' i called, 'it's on the ground right there.'
'oh, can you get that?' the mother asked. and walked away.
other people's kids. they are like that for a reason.
however there was one thing i did not love.
she was small - perhaps 2 or so (i can never age kids properly) - and adorable with long curly hair and a jersey knit sundress. her shoes were pink, her hair tied in a bow to match. she had dark eyes, rosy cheeks, and a smile that warmed me. however the whole cherubic picture was ruined by the fact that she carried with her a 32 oz. bottle of lime, diet, coke.
now i don't have kids. i don't know what its like to raise them, feed them, clothe them. i have never changed diapers or lived paycheck to paycheck to make sure my kid is fed. i've not been up nights with fevers or wiped runny noses or chased monsters out from under the bed. i've never sacrificed my own needs for those of my little ones. because i have not done any of these things i question if it's even valid that i pass judgment on what anyone does with their own children.
but seriously. it makes me so mad.
there are so many other things that you can buy for your kid. you can get them juice, you can get them milk, you can run them water out from the tap. hell. i was giving out free lemonade - dump that shit and fill up with me! why on earth should anyone be giving diet coke to a kid that age? not only is that just awful, but to give her so much of it that the bottle is almost as tall as she is?
and the message that doing such a thing sends to your kid about health and what is good for you. this kid is walking around a farmers' market! it's the epitome of local, grassroots, healthy, and sustainable. what a ridiculous oxymoron. it made me mad like seeing parents stuffing their already obsese six-year-olds with more macdonalds.
but it does not stop there.
the mother came over to talk to me, got lemonade for herself only, and then we chatted for a bit. she seemed very kind. certainly i kept my mouth shut about her choice for her daughter...until the little girl finished her soda and tried to hand the cap from the bottle to her mother. her mother looked at her and said 'i don't want that - what are you going to do with it?' instantly the girl tossed the cap onto the ground.
and the mother let her.
she turned from me to walk away and i just could take it no longer. 'you forgot the cap' i called, 'it's on the ground right there.'
'oh, can you get that?' the mother asked. and walked away.
other people's kids. they are like that for a reason.
6.8.10
cliche
really obama? seriously?
i can't say as i have had the love affair with our esteemed president as many of my friends have. i am unimpressed with his position on gay marriage, dislike his stance on iraq and afghanistan, and generally think that he could do more to help people (yes, yes, i understand that congress plays a role in this too...see earlier posts on things i don't like about them). in the end i understand that i am not going to agree with everything, and i can applaud the things i do like as well, but today i certainly have a bad taste in my mouth.
with his approval rating at 44%, the economy not making the oft-predicted comeback, and his white house leaking like a BP oil cap, obama apparently has to defend himself. what's the best defense? apparently a good offense (and by good here i mean effective not actually worthy of positive note). embracing all cliche obama has attacked republicans, touted america, and cited patriotism to justify his choice to give the auto industry yet more money.
i get really really tired of people playing the patriot card. i know WHY people do it - it creates a division between oneself and the 'other' with whom one does not agree. calling someone unpatriotic (which obama did by saying that supporting the auto industry was a way to be patriotic) puts them into the 'other' category. the farther we can stuff our opponents into this box the better because it allows us to think of them as evil, wrong, and inhuman. now we can justify doing to these 'things' whatever we wish (thank you arbinger institute and clark university for bringing me two views on the same topic).
i think of rwanda
i think of the balkans
i think of pakistan and india
i think of 9/11
basic psychology, fear, denial, conflict, pain, hate...so many things come from choosing a heart at war, attacking, name-calling, killing, hurting. i know that what obama's use of nationalism is not as extreme, but it taps into the same narrative, the same path, the same way of making sense of the world.
if leaders are meant to unite the world does this mean that politics divides it?
i can't say as i have had the love affair with our esteemed president as many of my friends have. i am unimpressed with his position on gay marriage, dislike his stance on iraq and afghanistan, and generally think that he could do more to help people (yes, yes, i understand that congress plays a role in this too...see earlier posts on things i don't like about them). in the end i understand that i am not going to agree with everything, and i can applaud the things i do like as well, but today i certainly have a bad taste in my mouth.
with his approval rating at 44%, the economy not making the oft-predicted comeback, and his white house leaking like a BP oil cap, obama apparently has to defend himself. what's the best defense? apparently a good offense (and by good here i mean effective not actually worthy of positive note). embracing all cliche obama has attacked republicans, touted america, and cited patriotism to justify his choice to give the auto industry yet more money.
i get really really tired of people playing the patriot card. i know WHY people do it - it creates a division between oneself and the 'other' with whom one does not agree. calling someone unpatriotic (which obama did by saying that supporting the auto industry was a way to be patriotic) puts them into the 'other' category. the farther we can stuff our opponents into this box the better because it allows us to think of them as evil, wrong, and inhuman. now we can justify doing to these 'things' whatever we wish (thank you arbinger institute and clark university for bringing me two views on the same topic).
i think of rwanda
i think of the balkans
i think of pakistan and india
i think of 9/11
basic psychology, fear, denial, conflict, pain, hate...so many things come from choosing a heart at war, attacking, name-calling, killing, hurting. i know that what obama's use of nationalism is not as extreme, but it taps into the same narrative, the same path, the same way of making sense of the world.
if leaders are meant to unite the world does this mean that politics divides it?
1.8.10
assume crash positions
those of you who know me well understand that i have what can only be described as a mild obsession with buffy the vampire slayer (well...those of you who really know me well might describe it as more than 'mild'). the universe joss whedon created has long gone out of vogue with the exception of reruns late late at night. however, when things come up in my life i almost always find some kind of buffy analogy - a situation, a line, a plot twist - that helps me think about what is going on in reality.
this recent decision to enter into a job search is no different. i realized today that i have been living in what tara, in the episode 'after life' called 'assume-crash-positions.' tara was talking about a spell that the group had done to bring buffy back to life. it went well despite some hitches, and in the end the group had what they wanted for themselves - their friend back. tara used the 'crash-positions' metaphor to describe the feeling the group had about the huge risk they were taking. they were all poised for it to go wrong - tensed up and ready for the crash and burn. today i found in myself that same sense of impending dread...only after i had relaxed a bit.
some personal history is needed to understand why i might be all worried about this job search thing. my first job search after college was very painful. i applied to over 20 different jobs, was rejected by 18, and in the end earned myself a part-time position with smith college residence life. don't get me wrong...at least i ended up with a job, but i will say that the process of being rejected that many times was pretty upsetting to a girl who had only once before been told 'no' for something she'd applied for. during that two month period i lived out of my car in the clark university parking garage, writing cover letters at the library and showering in the gym. it was not a completely awful existence, but it certainly left an impression.
my next job searches were much easier. i'd learned i would survive rejection, and i had built up my resume in a way that made it harder for places not to notice me. i also had going for me the fact that i did not NEED the job i was applying for. as soon as i took the smith job my dad told me 'you have a job, so now you can look for one.' this bit of wisdom has helped me a lot as i moved on in life. i generally don't let go of one branch until i've found the next to swing to.
that was not the case when i got back from new zealand. wilderness therapy jobs were dried up as was my savings account. i lucked out landing the job i am in now - but jason has not. he has been working in wilderness therapy as best he can, but layoffs loom and we are looking for jobs in new places.
i still deal with the issues with my initial job search when i put together my resume and start writing cover letters. i worry that the resume is not good enough. i wonder what i should put into my letters. i have anxiety over whether or not i am going to get calls. i worry, worry, worry my days in distraction and my nights in insomnia.
this week i landed a couple of interviews. it felt good to hear from places and to know that even in this tough economy i might be competitive. i stopped frantically checking every university's job boards twice a day. i stopped having crazy dreams. i stopped feeling panicky. i just...stopped. in the end i realized i stopped doing and feeling a lot of things that i did not realize i was. i relaxed though i did not realize i was tense. i've slept better, laughed more, and done more fun things this week. i know i am not out of the woods so to speak, but i am realizing it will be ok.
how to do this without crash positions?
i wish i knew. i'd like to take on change without it being arduous, stressful, and anxiety-riddled. i know that there is always going to be some of that, but i also know that i should not have to live in crash position until things smooth out. it's not fun.
if you know how please let me know!
this recent decision to enter into a job search is no different. i realized today that i have been living in what tara, in the episode 'after life' called 'assume-crash-positions.' tara was talking about a spell that the group had done to bring buffy back to life. it went well despite some hitches, and in the end the group had what they wanted for themselves - their friend back. tara used the 'crash-positions' metaphor to describe the feeling the group had about the huge risk they were taking. they were all poised for it to go wrong - tensed up and ready for the crash and burn. today i found in myself that same sense of impending dread...only after i had relaxed a bit.
some personal history is needed to understand why i might be all worried about this job search thing. my first job search after college was very painful. i applied to over 20 different jobs, was rejected by 18, and in the end earned myself a part-time position with smith college residence life. don't get me wrong...at least i ended up with a job, but i will say that the process of being rejected that many times was pretty upsetting to a girl who had only once before been told 'no' for something she'd applied for. during that two month period i lived out of my car in the clark university parking garage, writing cover letters at the library and showering in the gym. it was not a completely awful existence, but it certainly left an impression.
my next job searches were much easier. i'd learned i would survive rejection, and i had built up my resume in a way that made it harder for places not to notice me. i also had going for me the fact that i did not NEED the job i was applying for. as soon as i took the smith job my dad told me 'you have a job, so now you can look for one.' this bit of wisdom has helped me a lot as i moved on in life. i generally don't let go of one branch until i've found the next to swing to.
that was not the case when i got back from new zealand. wilderness therapy jobs were dried up as was my savings account. i lucked out landing the job i am in now - but jason has not. he has been working in wilderness therapy as best he can, but layoffs loom and we are looking for jobs in new places.
i still deal with the issues with my initial job search when i put together my resume and start writing cover letters. i worry that the resume is not good enough. i wonder what i should put into my letters. i have anxiety over whether or not i am going to get calls. i worry, worry, worry my days in distraction and my nights in insomnia.
this week i landed a couple of interviews. it felt good to hear from places and to know that even in this tough economy i might be competitive. i stopped frantically checking every university's job boards twice a day. i stopped having crazy dreams. i stopped feeling panicky. i just...stopped. in the end i realized i stopped doing and feeling a lot of things that i did not realize i was. i relaxed though i did not realize i was tense. i've slept better, laughed more, and done more fun things this week. i know i am not out of the woods so to speak, but i am realizing it will be ok.
how to do this without crash positions?
i wish i knew. i'd like to take on change without it being arduous, stressful, and anxiety-riddled. i know that there is always going to be some of that, but i also know that i should not have to live in crash position until things smooth out. it's not fun.
if you know how please let me know!
28.7.10
$1 million dollars...?
read this ny times article today about nonprofit salaries and how people in our government are withholding funding to one because the executive director is getting such a large salary. now i first read this with righteous indignation...how could someone working for a NONPROFIT make up to $1 million a year? moab is the mecca for nonprofits (more here per-capita than in the rest of the us), and i know for sure that no one is pulling in that kind of cash. this reaction is fueled by two of my own life filters, 1) no one needs to get paid $1 million a year for ANYTHING, and 2) its a nonprofit people, why on earth are they giving all that money to just one person?
but i did sit with it for a while and actually asked that last question i posed. in working for two different nonprofits of late, and doing support programming for many others, i am coming to realize that the term 'nonprofit' does not mean a bunch of beleaguered hippies in birkenstocks running around trying to fix people's lives. i already did kind of know that, but i live in the concrete places of life and it helps me to SEE it in action to get it. knowing that nonprofits are businesses, and understanding that it takes a freaking lot lot lot of hard work to run one, i began to piece together a much less biased view on the whole situation.
if you want to be the best you can be to serve the populations you choose to serve you need to be powerful, organized, connected, and efficient. these are important qualities for any organization be it nonprofit, for profit, sports team, church choir...you name it. if you are a national nonprofit with hundreds and hundreds of locations and thousands of employees, donors, and volunteers...if you get millions in government grants that you need to apply for, and if your business includes being connected to some of the most powerful people in the country to get what you want, do you want some neo-hippie fresh from the peace corps waltzing in at 10am with a goatee and a latte (ps i have nothing against hippies, peace corps, going to work at 10am, goatees, or lattes)? no. you want the best business person you can muster with all of the power, connections, fundraising experience, and executive skills possible.
if the private sector places the value of such an executive at millions a year, what is wrong with a nonprofit saying they are willing to pay $1 million for that person? if i am a ceo at some major corporation making millions why would i go to work for peanuts somewhere else? i know that you can say 'morals,' but consider deciding to take only one tenth or less of your salary to do the work you do. not so cool huh? yeah, i know that these people make way way waaaaayyy more that you or i probably do (and if not and you are reading this please help to fund this poor wayward blogger - i will provide an address to which you can send checks), but if the market for better or worse places a multimillion price tag on that kind of work, well i suppose that morals can lead a person to take $1 million instead of $10 million.
do we have to suffer for our morals? is it not possible for us to make a good, solid living and still help those in need? apparently the government does not think so, as they held up the funding for the boys and girls clubs over the executive's salary. though that is not the only place lawmakers have opted for this approach. the americorps vista program, aimed at eradicating poverty pays even less of the paltry sum they pay its non-vista volunteers in the name of having the participants live like the people they serve. when you look at it one way you could argue that perhaps lawmakers should live on the average salary of their constituents. then again, i imagine that like the nonprofit exec took a pay cut to go from private to nonprofit, the senator could make way more than a government salary if he or she opted to sell more than their morals and health care plans to the people.
but i digress. i do think that it is reasonable for a person who wants to help others to ask that he or she be well cared for whilst doing it. after all, if we are trying to fight poverty why would we require that the people who are choosing to work to end it live in it? it seems oxymoronic to me. not only that, but isn't an ally a person who is in the 'power up' position of some social dichotomy, yet opts to work on behalf of those who are in the 'power down' position? allies are important in enacting any kind of social change. it is just as important for whites to be against racism and heterosexuals to be against homophobia as it is for blacks and gays to fight for their rights. i do not in any way want to indicate that these groups can't create their own change, but just that it helps to have others in on the cause. and in the case of poverty, its really really hard to create a lot of change for yourself if you are working 60+ hours a week to make ends meet along with raising your kids. it takes money and energy to help out. nonprofits can get the money, and they need to use some of it to harness the energy necessary to enact change.
so though i still argue that no one needs $1 million a year for ANYTHING, i understand that i do not control the market value of things (oh if wishing made it so). so if a nonprofit needs $1 million to entice someone to come kick some ass and make things run well i say go to it. plus, if you want to place value on outcomes, don't you think $1 million is better spent on someone trying to help people in need rather than shareholders? perhaps this IS a better value than i thought...
but i did sit with it for a while and actually asked that last question i posed. in working for two different nonprofits of late, and doing support programming for many others, i am coming to realize that the term 'nonprofit' does not mean a bunch of beleaguered hippies in birkenstocks running around trying to fix people's lives. i already did kind of know that, but i live in the concrete places of life and it helps me to SEE it in action to get it. knowing that nonprofits are businesses, and understanding that it takes a freaking lot lot lot of hard work to run one, i began to piece together a much less biased view on the whole situation.
if you want to be the best you can be to serve the populations you choose to serve you need to be powerful, organized, connected, and efficient. these are important qualities for any organization be it nonprofit, for profit, sports team, church choir...you name it. if you are a national nonprofit with hundreds and hundreds of locations and thousands of employees, donors, and volunteers...if you get millions in government grants that you need to apply for, and if your business includes being connected to some of the most powerful people in the country to get what you want, do you want some neo-hippie fresh from the peace corps waltzing in at 10am with a goatee and a latte (ps i have nothing against hippies, peace corps, going to work at 10am, goatees, or lattes)? no. you want the best business person you can muster with all of the power, connections, fundraising experience, and executive skills possible.
if the private sector places the value of such an executive at millions a year, what is wrong with a nonprofit saying they are willing to pay $1 million for that person? if i am a ceo at some major corporation making millions why would i go to work for peanuts somewhere else? i know that you can say 'morals,' but consider deciding to take only one tenth or less of your salary to do the work you do. not so cool huh? yeah, i know that these people make way way waaaaayyy more that you or i probably do (and if not and you are reading this please help to fund this poor wayward blogger - i will provide an address to which you can send checks), but if the market for better or worse places a multimillion price tag on that kind of work, well i suppose that morals can lead a person to take $1 million instead of $10 million.
do we have to suffer for our morals? is it not possible for us to make a good, solid living and still help those in need? apparently the government does not think so, as they held up the funding for the boys and girls clubs over the executive's salary. though that is not the only place lawmakers have opted for this approach. the americorps vista program, aimed at eradicating poverty pays even less of the paltry sum they pay its non-vista volunteers in the name of having the participants live like the people they serve. when you look at it one way you could argue that perhaps lawmakers should live on the average salary of their constituents. then again, i imagine that like the nonprofit exec took a pay cut to go from private to nonprofit, the senator could make way more than a government salary if he or she opted to sell more than their morals and health care plans to the people.
but i digress. i do think that it is reasonable for a person who wants to help others to ask that he or she be well cared for whilst doing it. after all, if we are trying to fight poverty why would we require that the people who are choosing to work to end it live in it? it seems oxymoronic to me. not only that, but isn't an ally a person who is in the 'power up' position of some social dichotomy, yet opts to work on behalf of those who are in the 'power down' position? allies are important in enacting any kind of social change. it is just as important for whites to be against racism and heterosexuals to be against homophobia as it is for blacks and gays to fight for their rights. i do not in any way want to indicate that these groups can't create their own change, but just that it helps to have others in on the cause. and in the case of poverty, its really really hard to create a lot of change for yourself if you are working 60+ hours a week to make ends meet along with raising your kids. it takes money and energy to help out. nonprofits can get the money, and they need to use some of it to harness the energy necessary to enact change.
so though i still argue that no one needs $1 million a year for ANYTHING, i understand that i do not control the market value of things (oh if wishing made it so). so if a nonprofit needs $1 million to entice someone to come kick some ass and make things run well i say go to it. plus, if you want to place value on outcomes, don't you think $1 million is better spent on someone trying to help people in need rather than shareholders? perhaps this IS a better value than i thought...
24.7.10
the year of the bear
i've seen four bears this year in my travels. one, a huge, hairy, ass running from my car as i trundled toward a trailhead; two, another enormous bottom high-tailing it uphill from my dog on a hike; three, a sleepy-eyed baby munching on berries alongside the trail; and four, a lanky streetwise night stalker looking to empty dumpsters in estes park. each sighting was a thrill to my senses, a chance to tap into the depth and power of the bear totem, the wilderness, and my own inner self.
i have proclaimed it the year of the bear.
so you would imagine that i was disappointed when i walked 26 miles through the rocky mountain national park and saw nothing of bears. no scat, no tracks, not even a sign warning that hikers beware. it was not that we did not think on bears whilst out there. we carried the correct precautionary gear (BEARVAULT 500v!), did the requisite 70 paces for cooking and storage, and made sure we did not hike in absolute silence (though that would be nearly impossible for mandi and i). with bears on the mind one might think we would at the least see something to indicate that bears were out there - but alas. mandi was pretty glad not to have an encounter, but i left the woods wishing for just a glimpse of my spiritual brethren.
and i came out to no calls about jobs.
once again this is something on my mind. each day i comb the websites...craigslist, higheredjobs.com, college human resource sites, NASPA...you name it. i tweak and change and retweak my resume, write cover letters like joss whedon writes fantasy stories, and meticulously package and email off application after application. for the moment i am coming up an empty inbox and indicators for carpal tunnel.
if this is the year of the bear, what the hell is going on?
i could blame the economy, my own naivete, my insistence on returning to student affairs after a four year sabbatical, or my ability to bullheadedly burrow myself into things without thought of the endgame, but in the end i think it's more like my insistent search for bears. the bears i saw this year had their own agenda, i just ended up in the right place at the right time and boom - furry, fearsome, goodness. i found these bears with no expectation. they were a gift from nature.
it's not to say that i did nothing to end up with these sightings. i still had to get to the mountains, walk the trails, look the right direction, and SEE. however, i did not go out expecting to find bears, just to have an experience, however that might unfold. it's like finally deciding you are no longer going to search for love and then meeting THE ONE the following day. my job search must include all the essentials for finding my bear - i need to get out, go to the mountains, take a walk and SEE - but i can't rush it, can't push it, and certainly can't conjure something from nothing.
walk, breathe, experience, look, SEE.
it's still the year of the bear. i've seen more this year than i have total in my life. i imagine i'll see more if i let go. i suppose it's time to include that philosophy into other aspects of my life, hard as that might be.
it's the year of the bear - little ones included.
i have proclaimed it the year of the bear.
so you would imagine that i was disappointed when i walked 26 miles through the rocky mountain national park and saw nothing of bears. no scat, no tracks, not even a sign warning that hikers beware. it was not that we did not think on bears whilst out there. we carried the correct precautionary gear (BEARVAULT 500v!), did the requisite 70 paces for cooking and storage, and made sure we did not hike in absolute silence (though that would be nearly impossible for mandi and i). with bears on the mind one might think we would at the least see something to indicate that bears were out there - but alas. mandi was pretty glad not to have an encounter, but i left the woods wishing for just a glimpse of my spiritual brethren.
and i came out to no calls about jobs.
once again this is something on my mind. each day i comb the websites...craigslist, higheredjobs.com, college human resource sites, NASPA...you name it. i tweak and change and retweak my resume, write cover letters like joss whedon writes fantasy stories, and meticulously package and email off application after application. for the moment i am coming up an empty inbox and indicators for carpal tunnel.
if this is the year of the bear, what the hell is going on?
i could blame the economy, my own naivete, my insistence on returning to student affairs after a four year sabbatical, or my ability to bullheadedly burrow myself into things without thought of the endgame, but in the end i think it's more like my insistent search for bears. the bears i saw this year had their own agenda, i just ended up in the right place at the right time and boom - furry, fearsome, goodness. i found these bears with no expectation. they were a gift from nature.
it's not to say that i did nothing to end up with these sightings. i still had to get to the mountains, walk the trails, look the right direction, and SEE. however, i did not go out expecting to find bears, just to have an experience, however that might unfold. it's like finally deciding you are no longer going to search for love and then meeting THE ONE the following day. my job search must include all the essentials for finding my bear - i need to get out, go to the mountains, take a walk and SEE - but i can't rush it, can't push it, and certainly can't conjure something from nothing.
walk, breathe, experience, look, SEE.
it's still the year of the bear. i've seen more this year than i have total in my life. i imagine i'll see more if i let go. i suppose it's time to include that philosophy into other aspects of my life, hard as that might be.
it's the year of the bear - little ones included.
22.5.10
we are the lucky ones
can you really complain?
i don't think i can.
yeah i am working 50+ hours a week and planning on selling my car...but really i have to take a look at my wrist and remember that i put those words on it for a reasion.
love your life - be in the present - right now is all right.
when you work in places that serve people in need you end up getting a pretty healthy dose of perspective. it's not at all unwelcome. in the end i have a nice roof over my head, fresh, organic food, an amazing partner and the best dog ever. if someone were to ask me about friends i would say i have lots of them, and many of them are close.
i meet people who lack the money to feed themselves. i meet people who have been beaten and raped and treated like shit by those they were just trying to love. i meet people who have nothing. i meet people who live under the weight of racism, sexism, classism, and ableism. i meet people who have been in and out of hospitals for years. i meet people who have no one.
see what i mean by perspective?
so today i count my blessings. if you are reading this know that you are one.
i don't think i can.
yeah i am working 50+ hours a week and planning on selling my car...but really i have to take a look at my wrist and remember that i put those words on it for a reasion.
love your life - be in the present - right now is all right.
when you work in places that serve people in need you end up getting a pretty healthy dose of perspective. it's not at all unwelcome. in the end i have a nice roof over my head, fresh, organic food, an amazing partner and the best dog ever. if someone were to ask me about friends i would say i have lots of them, and many of them are close.
i meet people who lack the money to feed themselves. i meet people who have been beaten and raped and treated like shit by those they were just trying to love. i meet people who have nothing. i meet people who live under the weight of racism, sexism, classism, and ableism. i meet people who have been in and out of hospitals for years. i meet people who have no one.
see what i mean by perspective?
so today i count my blessings. if you are reading this know that you are one.
15.5.10
retail-izations
when i was little i had a dream that i would be the first female major league baseball player. i moved on through a number of interesting and odd future professions: landscape architect, meteorologist, professional clarinetist, arabic translator...i hitched myself to the plan of the week and boldly surged forward until the next fad came my way.
honestly, i can't think of any time in my life when i wanted to work in retail.
i remember my friend marina applying for positions as sales associate (sorry marina if i got that wrong) as we closed out college. as in all things, we were on opposite ends of the spectrum - she wanted a job with a good salary working in fashion retail. i wanted to continue living on campus and playing educational games with students. it went along well with her love of diamonds (i was a fan of the 'engagement boat'), obsession with coach purses (i got my first real wallet at 28), and belief that she was a true princess (i showered twice a week on a good week). of course i wished her well and hoped she would land some great position - better her than me :)
so when i started working at wabisabi it was safe to say that i did not take the position because running a cash register put my panties in a twist. i wanted to get involved with an amazing organization, truly back up my beliefs when it came to sustainability, lean back on what i am good at - administration, and work on amazing and fun programs that educate and help others. in short, i was still chasing the dream i had when i graduated from clark eight years ago - not marina's.
but really. it works for me.
working at a thrift store is probably the only way to avoid the anaolgy "clare is to retail as oil is to water."
of course one of the things that helps is that this is not just another business. the money that we make goes back into the community instead of into some shareholder's pocket. every day i go to work i get to meet the people who benefit from our profits (should i call them that? it IS a nonprofit...eh, whatever). not only that, but there are some times when people come in from our parther organizations and we just give them stuff. talk about not buying into the capitalist system i'd avoid if it weren't so damn easy to take part in.
then also there is the fact that all of the stuff we sell is getting a second (sometimes a third, fourth...fiftieth) lease on life. i get to see things i donate go to new homes. because of wabisabi there is less waste in the world, and more wealth. people get 'new' items for much, much less. then they bring in the things they no longer need to be recycled back into the community. the whole thing breeds generosity as well as thrift and recyling.
but really i think the best best part is that each day working in the store is NEVER NEVER NEVER the same. though there are times when we see some of the same items again (matt actually tagged a kid's electric guitar today for the third time as it keeps getting redonated), each time i open a tub of items to tag and put out it's like breaking into a magical treasure chest of interesting things. clothes, toys, kitchen supplies - you name it. each item is unique and bears the signs and energies of a life well-lived. well...the old ones do anyway. we do get new stuff in too which i often find much less interesting. the net result of experiencing those bits of history is that one gets emotionally connected to the things that are in the store. by boss jeff and i were in town leaving a meeting when we saw a truck pass with a miniature recliner in the back. both of us had to smile and remark that we were glad the little chair, which had been in the store just that morning, had gone to a good home.
and i get to buy cute clothes without feeling guilty! after four years of carhartts, capeline, and hiking boots i embrace tiny tank tops, sun dresses, capris, strappy sandals, and jewelry jewelry jewelry!
the people are amazing too. committed to sustainabilty, lead interesting lives, and love to have fun! i get music, jokes, philosophy, bitch sessions, plans for worm farms, dancing, advice, stories, feedback, and much, much more. i thought when i left the field i would not be able to find another group of people to work with with whom i would have so much in common. then again i thought that when i left WSU as well...
i guess i should learn that history can repeat itself.
of course there are the quirks and pitfalls. one can go broke saving all that money! i find myself hanging all of my clothes left-shoulder out in my closet. i refuse to buy things i need new for fear they will show up at work the next day. i think jason is getting tired of hearing about the cool new item - be it fun talking pirate ship or sweet electric guitar - that came into work that day.
all in all it's a good gig. way, way more than i expected and, i imagine i have only seen the tip of the iceberg. clare realizes again that she can have it all and sacrifice nothing - she of little faith.
and marina...she teaches yoga these days.
go figure.
honestly, i can't think of any time in my life when i wanted to work in retail.
i remember my friend marina applying for positions as sales associate (sorry marina if i got that wrong) as we closed out college. as in all things, we were on opposite ends of the spectrum - she wanted a job with a good salary working in fashion retail. i wanted to continue living on campus and playing educational games with students. it went along well with her love of diamonds (i was a fan of the 'engagement boat'), obsession with coach purses (i got my first real wallet at 28), and belief that she was a true princess (i showered twice a week on a good week). of course i wished her well and hoped she would land some great position - better her than me :)
so when i started working at wabisabi it was safe to say that i did not take the position because running a cash register put my panties in a twist. i wanted to get involved with an amazing organization, truly back up my beliefs when it came to sustainability, lean back on what i am good at - administration, and work on amazing and fun programs that educate and help others. in short, i was still chasing the dream i had when i graduated from clark eight years ago - not marina's.
but really. it works for me.
working at a thrift store is probably the only way to avoid the anaolgy "clare is to retail as oil is to water."
of course one of the things that helps is that this is not just another business. the money that we make goes back into the community instead of into some shareholder's pocket. every day i go to work i get to meet the people who benefit from our profits (should i call them that? it IS a nonprofit...eh, whatever). not only that, but there are some times when people come in from our parther organizations and we just give them stuff. talk about not buying into the capitalist system i'd avoid if it weren't so damn easy to take part in.
then also there is the fact that all of the stuff we sell is getting a second (sometimes a third, fourth...fiftieth) lease on life. i get to see things i donate go to new homes. because of wabisabi there is less waste in the world, and more wealth. people get 'new' items for much, much less. then they bring in the things they no longer need to be recycled back into the community. the whole thing breeds generosity as well as thrift and recyling.
but really i think the best best part is that each day working in the store is NEVER NEVER NEVER the same. though there are times when we see some of the same items again (matt actually tagged a kid's electric guitar today for the third time as it keeps getting redonated), each time i open a tub of items to tag and put out it's like breaking into a magical treasure chest of interesting things. clothes, toys, kitchen supplies - you name it. each item is unique and bears the signs and energies of a life well-lived. well...the old ones do anyway. we do get new stuff in too which i often find much less interesting. the net result of experiencing those bits of history is that one gets emotionally connected to the things that are in the store. by boss jeff and i were in town leaving a meeting when we saw a truck pass with a miniature recliner in the back. both of us had to smile and remark that we were glad the little chair, which had been in the store just that morning, had gone to a good home.
and i get to buy cute clothes without feeling guilty! after four years of carhartts, capeline, and hiking boots i embrace tiny tank tops, sun dresses, capris, strappy sandals, and jewelry jewelry jewelry!
the people are amazing too. committed to sustainabilty, lead interesting lives, and love to have fun! i get music, jokes, philosophy, bitch sessions, plans for worm farms, dancing, advice, stories, feedback, and much, much more. i thought when i left the field i would not be able to find another group of people to work with with whom i would have so much in common. then again i thought that when i left WSU as well...
i guess i should learn that history can repeat itself.
of course there are the quirks and pitfalls. one can go broke saving all that money! i find myself hanging all of my clothes left-shoulder out in my closet. i refuse to buy things i need new for fear they will show up at work the next day. i think jason is getting tired of hearing about the cool new item - be it fun talking pirate ship or sweet electric guitar - that came into work that day.
all in all it's a good gig. way, way more than i expected and, i imagine i have only seen the tip of the iceberg. clare realizes again that she can have it all and sacrifice nothing - she of little faith.
and marina...she teaches yoga these days.
go figure.
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