far from the empowered voice that i usually have, today i feel anxious and impatient.
sometimes i feel an unbearable need to get through the tough things as soon as i can so that i can know what i already know - that i will be just fine. i sit here in moab feeling pretty low - in debt from moving and starting a new job, lots of bills, not knowing people, jason gone a lot, feeling like i am having to start all over, all over, again again.
it's not really that bad - i look at the tattoo on my wrist that reminds me that right now is all right. i know that in the end it will be. i'll meet people. my finances will smooth out once i start getting regular pay checks. jason is not working at ptr forever. it's the waiting for all of it to come that just frustrates me.
it's like wanting to be at the finish line in the middle of a race - i can't be there and here at the same time.
though i can be all enlightened and thoughtful and aware about it, it still hurts. i still feel kind of sick to my stomach and worry that i might be wrong - that i will have to sell my car to pay for my house and that i will spend most of my days here sitting at home with my dog and a book. i let the critic come in and tell me that i can't possibly be ok. i let it in and i feel ill - i break out, my stomach churns, i have diarrhea, my body feels like lead when i try to do things.
it's awful.
i have no answers. i try to envision things being ok - getting lost in my dreams of being a therapist here and helping people, of owning land and no longer paying rent, of paying off my car so i can buy my new racing bike. i aim for these things and i know i can get there. at least i try to know...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
