out of the wild

well it's a mystery to me
we have a greed
to which we have agreed

i'd not really listened to the lyrics of this eddie vedder song until this week. of course that is what happens to me most of the time. songs find me when i need them - they pop up like flags pressing me to think. i always joke that life is a musical, and that you just need to sing. in reality it's more like a soundtrack to a movie, with the prose painting pictures for me to ponder.

i'm sitting in downtown flagstaff watching football. i've been here almost exactly a week. i came here for a lot of reasons - visit a friend, see the town, check out grad school, have an adventure, get out of moab - there were and are all these bits of need and interest and searching.

and you think you have to have more than you need
'till you have it all you won't be free

it's amazing how i always end up getting way more than i was looking for.

society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me

i joked a lot this week about dealing with some 'reentry issues.' some of them are pretty comical really. after hand washing the dinner dishes my first night here, my friend pj points out to me that he has a dishwasher.

oh yeah...people have that stuff.

i go to a meeting with a professor in the counseling psych department at nau, and he starts explaining to me the benefits of living in flagstaff despite how small a town it is. he stops mid-sentence because he notices i can't suppress my laugh.

there really is no way to create a relative picture. where i used to live is the size of rhode island, 95% untouched land, and only 3000 people live there.

society, crazy indeed
i hope you're not lonely without me

at aspen we have the students read an allegoric story about a mouse who goes on an adventure. the tale matches well with joseph campbell's outline of the hero's journey. the mouse leaves the comfort of what she knows because she hears a buzzing in her ears. she has an experience unlike one any mouse has ever had, and she goes back to her village to tell others about it. her fellow mice find her changed in appearance and action. she tries to explain herself but no one gets it and they shun her.

when you want more than you have you think you need.
and when you think more than you want your thoughts begin to bleed.

i am in no way trying to say that i am being shunned. to the contrary, i have very much enjoyed being here. my friend pj has been incredibly generous. the people in the town are undeniably friendly.

but i do for the first time understand the description of brian's consciousness in gary paulsen's hatchet. brian talks about how after returning from his experience he realized that he was more aware of the world around him. he noted detail, took less for granted, and in no way was able to describe his experience in a way that others could understand.

i think i need to find a bigger place
'cause when you have more than you think you need more space

now before you start going 'oh poor, poor clare! so misunderstood! her life is so hard!' and offering me cheese to go with my wine (a nice arizona cabernet by the way), know that though i feel some affinity to these characters i do not see this as a bad thing. i like that things look different. i like that things like dishwashers, and iphones, and walk-in hair salons (thanks for making me look good terry!) are adventures rather than just part of the scenery.

society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me

when i left washington state unsiversity back in 2006 i was looking to run away. i'd been pushing and pushing along on the what's-next-career-climbing-networking-circus for what i deemed long enough. i had to get out. i had to see what else there was beyond college campuses and furnished apartments. i wanted to say 'fuck you' to the trappings of my post college life and set out on my own. i did not abandon my car and burn my cash, but took a job working in wilderness therapy in utah.

i asked my kids out there what they would say if someone had told them 1 year ago that they would spend some time in the wilderness in utah hoarding rabbit shit and eating food out of a coffee can. being a bit older i'd ask that of myself swapping 10 years for 1.

ten years ago i was interning for a political party in london. you do the math.

society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me

there were two things i never thought would happen. 1) i never thought i would be in utah for over 4 years, and 2) i never thought i'd want to return to working on a college campus.

just kidding. actually there is a third thing. i was short sighted enough to think that the only thing that would happen if i went into the wilderness was that i would change some lives. i'd help kids, inspire families, and perhaps form some solid relationships. i forgot (as i always do) that going to the wilderness would change me way more than anyone else in the picture.

the things i've done - the things i've experienced.

i've slept out under the stars for over 400 days. i've thought i would die in the middle of a raging thunderstorm. i've lived in a 2 bedroom house with seven other people. my wardrobe consisted of 1 pr jeans, 1 pr carhartts, 3 t-shirts, 2 tanks, some warm jackets, 5 pr socks, unmentionables and one dress i never had a reason to wear. i raised a therapy dog who is more therapeutic for me than anyone else. i've lived in a yurt with no running water. i've been single, committed, abused, abandoned, unrequited, and head over heels in love. i cycled 1800 miles in a foreign country. i've eaten meals made out of nothing but food i harvested. all that i owned fit into my volkswagen.

i think i will stop lest i bore you with the details.

there's those thinking more or less, less is more
but if less is more how you're keeping score?

i often joke that i do nothing half-assed. pretty much what i mean is that i live in extremes. i go to one end of the spectrum or the other, the pendulum never slowing enough for me to get off in the middle. it's how i set myself up for success. it worked great for me (or at least i thought so) until i got back from new zealand and i started seeing how that way of being distorted the balance of my life. at the time i resolved that i had to let go of the things on the fringes and focus on forming myself from the center out. one of those things was going back to school for a phd.

what you let go often comes back.

so i seek now a way to integrate rather than divide. i want to live in a world where i don't have to reject the way life is, but maintain that sense that nothing should be taken for granted. i climbed the highest peak in arizona the other day, and i took my phone with me to post pictures of the top on facebook. you might laugh, but that is something i'd never have done a year ago. i'd have turned up my nose at the idea of technology in the outdoors, rather than using the technology to enhance the experience. i felt how strange doing this felt to me, and reminded myself that as long as it is not something that i ever feel i HAVE to do, or that i forget that one can do it differently i am not losing anything.

sometimes it's had to calm the inner O.D.D. child.

means for every point you make the level drops
kind like it's starting from the top
you can't do that

i can't help the people the way i want without going back to school. i can't go to school without leaving utah - the part i've been in anyway. one of the therapists i worked with, ken, used to read us this great quote i can never exactly remember. it focuses on how you can't stay up on the summit of the mountain. it's not habitable. in the end you have to go back to the hills or plains below. you bring with you the lessons learned from achieving the summit, and seek to integrate them into your life below.

society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me

so i sit here in flagstaff and watch texas on the happy end of a turnover. i missed watching sports. i missed sitting in bars and meeting people. i missed night life and shopping and restaurants that serve more than republican food. at the moment my inner rebel is excited to be here because it's new and different. she pushes me to go off the deep end and just toss all the lessons i learned in utah. she wants me to forsake it. the pendulum swings and i have to work to slow it down.

of course consciousness is not action. i've been terrible to my body this week. i've spent more money than i intended. i've forgotten things i cared about.

society, have mercy on me
hope you're not angry if i disagree

now it's about finding that center. i don't know if it will be in flagstaff or somewhere else. i don't know if i will get a job or go to school. i don't even know if i will end up with any of the things i have thought about or planned.

society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me

living...

rainy day woman

woke up today to a dull roar and the unmistakable smell of desert rain.

i've woken to rain before. i've sensed the vibration of it hitting my legs as i lay curled in my bivy, watched it roll off the domed window on top of the yurt, or even risen in my residence hall apartment to realize i could not hear it at all. some days i dread getting up and out into the rain while others i can't wait to jump in the puddles. rain is a gift, a curse, a cleansing, a warning, a metaphor for power, life, sadness, catharsis, emotion...

...yeah i could go on. but i am not feeling all that woo woo today (those of you who know me please feel free to insert your own personal chuckle here).

i was going to climb the highest peak in arizona today. though not looking for an alpine start, the plan was to leave shortly after sunrise to avoid the heat and really make a day of it. i mean, as long as i have the time for a 6 hour hike on a wednesday i should probably take advantage right? the arrival of this torrential alarm signaled to me that i would have to make other plans. i thought about being angry but decided quickly it was no use.

the weather turned into a boon however when i decided to head down to sedona for the day. to call the drive down the canyon dramatic might be an understatement. the mist cleared in patches, revealing brilliant sunbeams that cut through the clouds and turned the showers to silver. the pale rock gave way to deeper reds that shimmered with waterfalls. usually dry washes roared underneath the road, and i could taste the tang of wet ponderosa in the air. the person in front of me on the road went 5-10 mph beneath the speed limit. usually that would really annoy me, but today i took it as a chance to see rather than move.

sedona reminds me of most of the tourist towns i've visited in the west - arty, expensive, beautiful, and sleepy. upon my arrival not even the coffee shops were open. i sat on an empty patio overlooking the rock formations and breathed in quiet. though i am certainly enjoying flagstaff i will say that it is hard there to find true silence. cars whir by on the freeway, trains rattle their tracks, the apartment i am staying in buzzes with electricity, doors slam and people crunch by on the gravel outside. none of this bothers me. in fact, i hardly notice until i get somewhere totally quiet. then the stillness rings in my ears like a harmonious symphony.

i do love that tourist towns sleep late.

despite dropping all this elevation it remains cool out, and the wind rises and falls. the earth-colored houses hide amid the trees, trying desperately to blend in with the rocks. so many of the residents here have planted lavender in their gardens that its scent clings to my clothes from walking the streets. i look back up towards flag and see dark clouds, the fringes of which swirl over my head. after a couple of wandering hours i have been driven inside by the kind of shower that soaks you through even as the sun makes you squint. you look for the offending cloud but all you see is blue sky.

moments like that are brilliant.

of course, they also make me homesick (if i can call it that) for the coffee houses of the pacific northwest.

i am however determined to just enjoy the day. now i sit at a bar with a terribly beautiful view sipping some tasty cabernet and trying to blot out the voice in the back of my head that tells me i should be writing cover letters or looking for graduate schools. i can see that the rain is going to slow, and in twenty minutes you won't even be able to tell there was weather. my feet really hurt from all the blisters i've incurred in the past few days, but i think i'll get out and walk some more in a bit.

am actually not sure why i wrote this. usually i only blog when i have some kind of major point or interesting story. if that is what you were looking for when you read this i suppose i could apologize, but then again this IS my blog. in the absence of a camera it's as good a place as any to collect my thoughts.

so excuse me but i think i might head back out into the rain.

did you really just say that?

am staying in an RV park for the first time. jason's parents were wonderful to us and lent us their RV to live in for a while. we are currently charging the batteries and enjoying the free wifi at the OK RV Park.

so you know the game...the game where you put the word 'anal' in front of the names of SUVs? its one of those adolescent games you play on a road trip.

well we have been doing it with the RV's

so here you go - i am going to put here the names of the RVs here in the park. you can choose to play along or not, but it's funnier if you say them to yourself.

explorer
intruder
predator
bounder
view
compass
netherlander
envoy
wildcat
monster
freedom
avatar
highlander
liberty
excursion

hehe...

service leadership

a while back...shoot...maybe more than a while back, i was working in the field and got a visit from my director, brad. it was february or march - cold and sunny as the desert spring always is - and we took a walk from the group to chat a while.

we talked about life, future, plans. we talked about my recent breakdown in the field which led me to panic and call to base that i had to leave. we talked about my on again off again relationship. we talked about my dog.

but that was not why he came to see me.

brad wanted to know if i was going to apply for the job opening in the field department. he knew i was getting burnt out on the work and looking for something new. he knew i had been putting in select applications to return to university life, and he knew that i had already set my end date at aspen for field work. he knew i was going to say yes when he asked me if i would apply, but he came to ask me anyhow.

in the end it was not really that question that brought brad to the wilderness to talk. that was just the ramp up. he wanted to give me some feedback that i needed to hear. need to, but would not want to. a master craftsman of difficult feedback, he laid an impeccable foundation that set me up to listen to his thoughts about my work, my growth, and my leadership.

"you do too much," he said. "people who work with you don't get a chance to grow."

when you get a mirror like that held up to you - the kind that blindsides you with truths you had no idea existed - it can be devastating. the idea that my own drive to be perfect and solid and the best at what i do was stunting others hit me hard - not unlike a mack truck taking out a deer. i went to the desert to learn about myself, but the edification process really hurt.

it's been a while - still not sure how long a while - since i got that feedback. i feel grateful that i did. though i still often fall into the pattern of doing everything myself so that i know it gets done correctly, my aim is not necessarily perfection but balance. that conversation changed how i think about leadership in many ways. it pushed me to think about leading by stepping back, by empowering, and by helping rather than by doing. leadership can be more than charging ahead. it can be more than creating vision.

leadership can be so many things.

i read an article in the NY times today that talked about arizona politicians serving corn to constituents. the woman who organizes the event said of it simply, "people want leaders who will serve them." i thought that was a beautiful way to think about leadership. if you take it on with a heart of service then there is nothing you will be unwilling to do when you lead. no person bigger than the team, everyone pitches in, no I anywhere in there etc. etc.

i make light...i think my brain is stuck in grey's anatomy voice over mode.

really though - service leadership. i really like it.

now i just have to figure out how to enact it.