what did i do for christmas? well, besides the present-opening and time with friends and family, i took some time to do something that seems almost counter to the spirit of the holidays...
i eliminated over 150 people from my facebook "friends."
i have written a few times about the fact that there are not enough words to describe the "friend" relationship. we use the same word to describe someone we met last week as we do with someone we have known 15 years, someone we work with as we do with someone with whom we live. we have to modify the word with things like "best" or "girl" in order to get closer to what the friendship really is.
the use of the word "friend" as a marker for people we are connected to on facebook confounds the word even further. it makes the relationship seem like more than it is. even when people don't know one another they can be "friends." this makes it harder for people to remove others from their facebook account. in order to do that they need to "unfriend" them, thus placing an overly significant amount of value on the click of a mouse button.
i am not saying that the people i have connected with on facebook are people i do not care about. especially now that i have removed some of the people from my list, i have a much stronger relationship to them overall. the people in my news feed are people i know. i want to see their lives and know what they are up to. i like having that window they open into their lives, and i am willing to share my open window with them as well.
with the increase of social media sites and interfaces i am able to keep up on others with whom i prefer to have a greater level of social distance. twitter and linkedin are sites where i can share with others a more professional side. on these sites i am more limited in what i show to the world. even the language and action of these sites is less personal. on twitter you have "followers," and on linkedin you have "connections." on twitter you do not share full albums of your photos, but one at a time. on linkedin you rarely engage in "status updates" of any kind. for me these 3 sites in concert make it possible for me to have some kind of online connection with people in a way that keeps my boundaries appropriate and comfortable. there are circles emanating outward from my digital core that get progressively larger and more impersonal the farther away they get. my facebook "friends" are the smallest in number, and get the most personal information. twitter is next, getting some personal thoughts as well as my professional musings, and linkedin is on the outside. here i keep colleagues, former students, and others who i want to be able to contact, but don't really care to connect with regularly. there are people in all 3, and others in just 1 or 2.
this practice is not at all separate from how we live our lives in the virtual world. we have those who we share with intimately, others we share with professionally, and those who know who we are, but do not know us well. it makes sense to me. it helps me to feel safer in my online identity. it sets things up cleanly with well-defined boundaries.
interestingly i imagine that there might be someone who reads this that is offended by being set into one of these categories. if they are only part of my twitter "followers," rather than my facebook "friends," they might see this as a slight. because social media developed from the inside out, it is a norm to have facebook "friends" we would never be intimate with in real life. "unfriending" someone is seen as an affront - rude. i even saw that in myself when i was doing it - i almost felt guilty. in the end i was able to think about it from this multi-layered perspective, which helped me to know who should fall where.
i think boundaries are helpful - even online.
17.12.12
grateful for nothing...
today i am grateful for nothing.
no, that does not mean i am ungrateful. it means that i am looking at the world and seeing the things that could be in my life, but are not in my life, and for that, i am grateful.
still confused? think about this.
i remember when i was in middle school we were asked to do drawings of negative space. we set up still life arrangements to draw, but instead of drawing the fruit in the bowl, we drew the space around it. these ended up being some of the prettiest drawings i ever did - once i got the point of the assignment - that the lack of something is not to be ignored, but celebrated.
so what am i celebrating the lack of? well for one thing, i just had my annual physical and i am disease-free, lacking in high cholesterol, lacking in high blood pressure, and did not have to hear my doctor tell me to lose weight or change my diet. though i had fun last night when our power went out, i am grateful it is on again, and tonight i will be lacking in darkness until i choose to welcome it into my life. over break i am grateful for the lack of students experiencing homelessness, and for the lack of crises coming through my door. this leads to a lack of stress, which i am also happy about.
it is funny. i think about this way of seeing things only when something bad happens, and then subsides. the end of my relationship and the death of my dog brought emotional pain into my life. i am grateful that this has subsided. right now i get reminders to be grateful for that because i still have twinges of grief that come in waves. i feel grateful for the calm that comes after that. i feel grateful for the absence of negative thoughts about my personal adequacy, or the question of whether or not i will fall in love again. i feel grateful for the lack of pain when i walk in the door of my house and am not greeted by wagging tail and wiggly kisses. i am not grateful that those are missing from my life, but i am grateful that the dread of going home to those not being there has subsided.
this week, i am grateful to go home at the end of a work day with the absence of terror, shooting, and death.
it seems i should be thinking about these things even if nothing bad has happened - that is hard to do. that said, as i sit here i am grateful that my head does not hurt as it did when i got up this morning. i am grateful i am not hungry, and i am happy for the lack of tiredness which usually hits me near the end of the day. i could go on, and on, and on, with these things that are not there. i think it is important to think about the absence of things.
the negative space around us that could be filled with negative things.
so, again, i am grateful for nothing.
no, that does not mean i am ungrateful. it means that i am looking at the world and seeing the things that could be in my life, but are not in my life, and for that, i am grateful.
still confused? think about this.
i remember when i was in middle school we were asked to do drawings of negative space. we set up still life arrangements to draw, but instead of drawing the fruit in the bowl, we drew the space around it. these ended up being some of the prettiest drawings i ever did - once i got the point of the assignment - that the lack of something is not to be ignored, but celebrated.
so what am i celebrating the lack of? well for one thing, i just had my annual physical and i am disease-free, lacking in high cholesterol, lacking in high blood pressure, and did not have to hear my doctor tell me to lose weight or change my diet. though i had fun last night when our power went out, i am grateful it is on again, and tonight i will be lacking in darkness until i choose to welcome it into my life. over break i am grateful for the lack of students experiencing homelessness, and for the lack of crises coming through my door. this leads to a lack of stress, which i am also happy about.
it is funny. i think about this way of seeing things only when something bad happens, and then subsides. the end of my relationship and the death of my dog brought emotional pain into my life. i am grateful that this has subsided. right now i get reminders to be grateful for that because i still have twinges of grief that come in waves. i feel grateful for the calm that comes after that. i feel grateful for the absence of negative thoughts about my personal adequacy, or the question of whether or not i will fall in love again. i feel grateful for the lack of pain when i walk in the door of my house and am not greeted by wagging tail and wiggly kisses. i am not grateful that those are missing from my life, but i am grateful that the dread of going home to those not being there has subsided.
this week, i am grateful to go home at the end of a work day with the absence of terror, shooting, and death.
it seems i should be thinking about these things even if nothing bad has happened - that is hard to do. that said, as i sit here i am grateful that my head does not hurt as it did when i got up this morning. i am grateful i am not hungry, and i am happy for the lack of tiredness which usually hits me near the end of the day. i could go on, and on, and on, with these things that are not there. i think it is important to think about the absence of things.
the negative space around us that could be filled with negative things.
so, again, i am grateful for nothing.
19.11.12
i can relate to that
i don't post my relationship status on facebook anymore. i used to, but the older i got the more i felt that i wanted my relationships to be deeper personally, and shallower publicly. i know that one can see through my photos that i am seeing someone, but i don't think the little pink heart will ever again grace my news feed - at least not with my name attached.
i recently ended a relationship with a man i met nearly a year ago. we were together very seriously for a while, and i thought there was potential for future growth. what i ended up learning is that the level of intentionality i bring to the things in my life is rare and unique, and that many people don't understand it, let alone share it. now, i did not come to this conclusion solely as a a result of this failed relationship - it was just the capstone to something that i had been thinking about for a while.
ten years ago i jumped into relationships without doing any kind of thinking. who cared really? it was fun, i was young, and if i stumbled sideways into something really long term then i got to be really really lucky. some painful experiences while i was in utah led me to start thinking about how i choose the people i devote myself to. i began to compile a list of things that are important to me, and when i met someone who was outside of these, i focused on friendship rather than cultivating a romantic relationship. of course, you don't know what you don't know, and i ended up finding involvement with some people who fit current criterion, but who taught me other things that i value. absence is such a powerful teacher - cruel, but powerful.
how does anyone find someone? i don't ask that in a pathetic or hopeless way. i just wonder with all of the people in this world, and all of the possibilities for matches, how do folks settle in on one person? i know it is not at all a science, and, because we are biologically meant not to be monogamous, we will be attracted to many. i also know that beyond physical attraction, our environment, emotions, and intentions play a large role. these days i think we have to add the internet in there too, which is just as strange as all the other factors.
i think about it because i'd very much like to meet someone. i think about it not too often, but it does exist there in my conscious mind as a frame on my interactions and my decisions. i used to feel like that was a silly and unnecessary (i dare say, unfeminist) goal. perhaps my 32 year old hormones are kicking in, or i can see the value-added of a partner, or i just want that kind of adventure...no matter the reason i have let go of my biases. when i meet people i am interested in i start thinking about whether or not this person would be someone i could at least fathom being with long term. if the answer is no, as i said before, i shift tack and cultivate a platonic relationship. if the answer is yes, i proceed with intention.
when it comes to things that are really outside my circle of control, like the actions and emotions of others, it seems ridiculous to imagine that intentionality is possible. despite my doubts i know that at least anecdotally it rings true. i have seen friends make decisions about what they want in potential mates, and it informs their choices. one of my friends decided that because she did not want to have children of her own, she would look for men who already had had that experience. she could be involved in children's lives without having to do the things she did not want to do. it worked out for her quite well. when i start to apply those things to my life i can see a string of needs and wants that create a frame for the person i want in my life.
then i start to think...what about the x factor? if i come up with so many ideals and stick to them will i ever find someone? what things are negotiable, and what are deal breakers? how do i decide when my body is awash with oxytocin and dopamine, and i am high off the feeling of having someone new with me? i have no answers to this. i really don't know how to manage it. i think that the intentional part has its own limitations - hence the level of confusion and uncertainty with which i enter into this in the first place.
in the end i suppose it takes measures of intention, luck, biology, time, pain, joy, and risk to get there. i am sure there are still things i don't know i don't know as well. sitting with a partially broken heart the whole thing seems scary right now, but i know it will eventually become neutral, and then interesting, and then exciting once more.
can you relate to that?
i recently ended a relationship with a man i met nearly a year ago. we were together very seriously for a while, and i thought there was potential for future growth. what i ended up learning is that the level of intentionality i bring to the things in my life is rare and unique, and that many people don't understand it, let alone share it. now, i did not come to this conclusion solely as a a result of this failed relationship - it was just the capstone to something that i had been thinking about for a while.
ten years ago i jumped into relationships without doing any kind of thinking. who cared really? it was fun, i was young, and if i stumbled sideways into something really long term then i got to be really really lucky. some painful experiences while i was in utah led me to start thinking about how i choose the people i devote myself to. i began to compile a list of things that are important to me, and when i met someone who was outside of these, i focused on friendship rather than cultivating a romantic relationship. of course, you don't know what you don't know, and i ended up finding involvement with some people who fit current criterion, but who taught me other things that i value. absence is such a powerful teacher - cruel, but powerful.
how does anyone find someone? i don't ask that in a pathetic or hopeless way. i just wonder with all of the people in this world, and all of the possibilities for matches, how do folks settle in on one person? i know it is not at all a science, and, because we are biologically meant not to be monogamous, we will be attracted to many. i also know that beyond physical attraction, our environment, emotions, and intentions play a large role. these days i think we have to add the internet in there too, which is just as strange as all the other factors.
i think about it because i'd very much like to meet someone. i think about it not too often, but it does exist there in my conscious mind as a frame on my interactions and my decisions. i used to feel like that was a silly and unnecessary (i dare say, unfeminist) goal. perhaps my 32 year old hormones are kicking in, or i can see the value-added of a partner, or i just want that kind of adventure...no matter the reason i have let go of my biases. when i meet people i am interested in i start thinking about whether or not this person would be someone i could at least fathom being with long term. if the answer is no, as i said before, i shift tack and cultivate a platonic relationship. if the answer is yes, i proceed with intention.
when it comes to things that are really outside my circle of control, like the actions and emotions of others, it seems ridiculous to imagine that intentionality is possible. despite my doubts i know that at least anecdotally it rings true. i have seen friends make decisions about what they want in potential mates, and it informs their choices. one of my friends decided that because she did not want to have children of her own, she would look for men who already had had that experience. she could be involved in children's lives without having to do the things she did not want to do. it worked out for her quite well. when i start to apply those things to my life i can see a string of needs and wants that create a frame for the person i want in my life.
then i start to think...what about the x factor? if i come up with so many ideals and stick to them will i ever find someone? what things are negotiable, and what are deal breakers? how do i decide when my body is awash with oxytocin and dopamine, and i am high off the feeling of having someone new with me? i have no answers to this. i really don't know how to manage it. i think that the intentional part has its own limitations - hence the level of confusion and uncertainty with which i enter into this in the first place.
in the end i suppose it takes measures of intention, luck, biology, time, pain, joy, and risk to get there. i am sure there are still things i don't know i don't know as well. sitting with a partially broken heart the whole thing seems scary right now, but i know it will eventually become neutral, and then interesting, and then exciting once more.
can you relate to that?
27.10.12
I Wish That You Were Mine
This song is called "I Wish That You Were Mine," and is copyrighted to me.
22.10.12
21.10.12
Safe Here
this is a song called "safe here" that i wrote in 2011 and just recorded today with my phone. not the best sound quality - but fun. the song is copyrighted to me.
click the box to listen :)
18.1.12
good for a...
'wow - you are so good!'
yes, yes, i am totally ok with having my ego stroked, but there are times when this statement kind of irks me. prime example - this past weekend whilst i was in bend, or. i am doing a 60 day bikram's yoga challenge, and thus went to classes at the studio there. i like going to other studios - see how they look, run, feel. it's nice to walk into a place and feel like i already have some semblance of what is going on.
but back to my ire.
the issue i take here is one that i experience myself, and also see it happen to other people - especially women. remember i wrote a while back about the yoga all-stars? well the bend studio is PACKED with them. i was by far the person in the room who looked the least fit. this led to said compliments. 'wow - you are so good,' is tinged with a hint of surprise, and should be followed by 'for someone who looks like you.'
the implication being that someone who does not have the perfect yoga body is not expected to be able to put forehead to knee in dandyamana - janushirasina (i can often), see their knee (not foot, but knee) over the top of their head in dandyamana - danurasana (on the right side at least), or do a back bend in which their arms have gone below parallel to the floor (yep - do that too). i have been practicing hard for a year, and am generally strong and coordinated. it follows that i'd be able to do some of these things. now i am not saying that i am perfect in there. i struggle with many poses, and my incessant soccer playing (and soccer injuring) keeps me from getting as far along as i'd like. but yes, people, the 'fat girl' in class...she's got game.
i put quotes around the words 'fat girl' because i am quite literally quoting a statement made about me a while back. a group of women covered in letters from one of the local sororities (i will spare them the embarrassment of sharing it here) came in for a first class. there were only three other students in the class, and we were asked to stand in front of them so our practice would demonstrate the postures. when i leaned back for my first back bend i was looking the gal two lines behind me squarely in the eye. at the end of the night these women were standing in the parking lot talking while i walked to my car. this is the exchange i overheard:
'oh my god. the fat girl in the front row was soooo good.'
'you mean the cute one with the pigtails and the nose ring? yeah she was awesome.'
that night the other two practitioners with me were a tall blond woman with a pixie cut, and an elderly gentleman. clearly they were talking about me.
this attitude does not stop at the edges of the yoga studio. i was talking with one of my students the other day about cycling. i mentioned that i used to race, and his response seemed curious. he said, 'oh...i would not have thought that from looking at you.' when i asked him what he meant by that, he got very quiet and just apologized for the statement. the truth is that we don't think of people who are heavier than the sexualized, idealized, media-created body as active, athletic, or able. when i do perform well athletically, or talk to someone about things i have done in the past, their overenthusiastic statements often end up sounding more like a condescending pat on the head rather than kindness.
also, i am not fat. i am even below average for women in america. i am in some of the best shape of my adult life. i think the only time i have been more physically fit is when i was cycle touring new zealand (riding a bike nearly 2000 miles will do that to you). so sure, i don't walk into the yoga studio in a sports bra and tiny shorts, but my blood pressure is low, i can run 6 miles easily, i can touch my palms to the ground and bend my elbows with my legs straight. i am an athlete. i am in shape. these subtle (or not so subtle) hints that i should not be able to do these things, or that it is surprising that i can, make me angry.
i am sure that the people who gave me these compliments this past weekend meant well. i am sure they wanted to be encouraging and kind. i am sure they thought it would make me feel good to have someone praise my postures. i am sure they did not mean to send me this message.
intent and impact can be so different sometimes.
yes, yes, i am totally ok with having my ego stroked, but there are times when this statement kind of irks me. prime example - this past weekend whilst i was in bend, or. i am doing a 60 day bikram's yoga challenge, and thus went to classes at the studio there. i like going to other studios - see how they look, run, feel. it's nice to walk into a place and feel like i already have some semblance of what is going on.
but back to my ire.
the issue i take here is one that i experience myself, and also see it happen to other people - especially women. remember i wrote a while back about the yoga all-stars? well the bend studio is PACKED with them. i was by far the person in the room who looked the least fit. this led to said compliments. 'wow - you are so good,' is tinged with a hint of surprise, and should be followed by 'for someone who looks like you.'
the implication being that someone who does not have the perfect yoga body is not expected to be able to put forehead to knee in dandyamana - janushirasina (i can often), see their knee (not foot, but knee) over the top of their head in dandyamana - danurasana (on the right side at least), or do a back bend in which their arms have gone below parallel to the floor (yep - do that too). i have been practicing hard for a year, and am generally strong and coordinated. it follows that i'd be able to do some of these things. now i am not saying that i am perfect in there. i struggle with many poses, and my incessant soccer playing (and soccer injuring) keeps me from getting as far along as i'd like. but yes, people, the 'fat girl' in class...she's got game.
i put quotes around the words 'fat girl' because i am quite literally quoting a statement made about me a while back. a group of women covered in letters from one of the local sororities (i will spare them the embarrassment of sharing it here) came in for a first class. there were only three other students in the class, and we were asked to stand in front of them so our practice would demonstrate the postures. when i leaned back for my first back bend i was looking the gal two lines behind me squarely in the eye. at the end of the night these women were standing in the parking lot talking while i walked to my car. this is the exchange i overheard:
'oh my god. the fat girl in the front row was soooo good.'
'you mean the cute one with the pigtails and the nose ring? yeah she was awesome.'
that night the other two practitioners with me were a tall blond woman with a pixie cut, and an elderly gentleman. clearly they were talking about me.
this attitude does not stop at the edges of the yoga studio. i was talking with one of my students the other day about cycling. i mentioned that i used to race, and his response seemed curious. he said, 'oh...i would not have thought that from looking at you.' when i asked him what he meant by that, he got very quiet and just apologized for the statement. the truth is that we don't think of people who are heavier than the sexualized, idealized, media-created body as active, athletic, or able. when i do perform well athletically, or talk to someone about things i have done in the past, their overenthusiastic statements often end up sounding more like a condescending pat on the head rather than kindness.
also, i am not fat. i am even below average for women in america. i am in some of the best shape of my adult life. i think the only time i have been more physically fit is when i was cycle touring new zealand (riding a bike nearly 2000 miles will do that to you). so sure, i don't walk into the yoga studio in a sports bra and tiny shorts, but my blood pressure is low, i can run 6 miles easily, i can touch my palms to the ground and bend my elbows with my legs straight. i am an athlete. i am in shape. these subtle (or not so subtle) hints that i should not be able to do these things, or that it is surprising that i can, make me angry.
i am sure that the people who gave me these compliments this past weekend meant well. i am sure they wanted to be encouraging and kind. i am sure they thought it would make me feel good to have someone praise my postures. i am sure they did not mean to send me this message.
intent and impact can be so different sometimes.
10.1.12
so not a new years resolution
it was december 20-something (post christmas), and i was walking home from the coop with summdogs, carting solid poundage as quickly as i could to stay warm. i really enjoy backpacking trips to get groceries. besides my one excursion with my cousin, they have been the only times i've strapped a loaded pack to my back since i trekked out of the utah desert. i enjoy the pressure of the belt on my hips, and the way that my back heats up where the pack touches it. i like feeling the weight in my legs and on my shoulders.
i suppose you could call me a backpacker - that would be fair.
i am a goal setter...i think professionally at this point. at least if i were to get paid for each goal that i set, even pocket change, i think i would be able to retire by the time i turned 40 (of course, when i think about that i realize it's a good thing that i don't get paid for setting goals...i think i would get bored pretty quickly were i to retire). small, medium, large - it matters not at all to me. i set goals about cleaning my house, and walking my dog, and doing my job, and writing my blog. of course, i also set bigger, broader goals that encompass living intentionally, being healthier, and being more open. i like goals. they help me to move forward and to chart my progress. goals work for me.
so of course one would think that if i were such a fan of goals that i would be a fan of the new years resolution. this tradition is just that - setting a goal for the year. combine that with the symbolism of starting a fresh new year (i love symbols AND fresh starts), and you'd think i would be all over that resolution thing.
so this takes me back to the sidewalk along highway 99 as i trekked home with my big bag full of kombucha and kale. i had been looking for a plan for ringing in the new year. i'd missed the boat on winter solstice (which is think is WAY cooler than new years by the way), and i wanted to plan something that would be interesting and meaningful to me as 2012 started up. i had been invited to a couple of parties, and i also had half a mind to stay home and drink tea. that said, none of these options seemed exactly what i wanted. i thought back to other new years i'd had, and i realized that the best ones were those in which i was doing just what i was doing at that moment - backpacking. whether in the field at aspen, or doing a hut to hut in glacier park, i have to say that the best new years were less about when midnight struck, and more about being where i felt alive and ready for new beginnings.
of course i had to go to the backcountry.
so i had my goal. plan a wilderness trip for new years. i knew i could get my friend jesse in on it for sure - he's always looking for some time in the woods. i imagined sitting by the fire in the snow, sipping some whiskey and perhaps burning some sage. the thought of sage of course took me to the idea that perhaps i should engage in some kind of ceremony while i was out there. perhaps i would write all of the things i wanted to leave behind on pieces of paper and burn them, or smudge and imagine the things i want coming to me.
i thought about the things that had happened in the past year. one year ago i had been driving my car from new york to utah to spend new years with jason in salt lake city. i was so sick at the time that i could not sit up in the car for longer than 6 hours. my voice was gone, and because i had no health insurance, i'd not gotten antibiotics for the pulmonary infection i had until my aunt's doctor friend in chicago graciously wrote me a prescription. even a year later i can feel the scar tissue on my vocal cords - not what one likes as a singer. that said, i had just been offered a job at oregon state university running a program that helped students in poverty. after a hard year that included underemployment, unemployment, homelessness, hunger, sickness, and heartbreak, bronchitis seemed to be a small bump in the road.
the year that followed was intense with both joy and sorrow (they are lovers after all). walking down the street in corvallis 365 days later, i felt poised to start the time ahead of me with hope and intention. i thought that perhaps if i were to spend ceremonial time at my new years fire that it would be best to look forward, and leave the past behind.
so goals...
as i ruminated on the goals i might want to set for myself, i realized that i could not remember a single time where i had made a new years resolution. i thought back as far as i could remember, wondering how i could have made it through 31 years without a memory of setting such a goal. i am not sure why, but either i made resolutions that were forgettable or lacking in impact, OR i did not make any at all. my inclination is to say that this probably had to do with my unwillingness to do things because they are traditional or 'what people do,' but i do not think that my oppositionally defiant ways are to blame. i think it is because i already set so many goals that the idea of a new years resolution seems moot. i decided that perhaps i would keep with my tradition of being irresolute.
maybe that was my resolution...who knows?
my time in the backcountry over new years was truly amazing. i got my fire in the snow with a good friend and some whiskey. i threw in some dark chocolate with blueberries, hazelnut rice crackers, and smoky bleu cheese as well. we had no watches, no cell reception - we sat and talked and watched the stars until we felt tired and decided that the new year was rung. after that, this insomniac curled up in a pair of cozy sleeping bags and slept all night long without waking or dreaming. the next two days included more of the same.
i did make some goals going into 2012 (how could i not really?). they are broad, and include things like increasing my wellness, deepening relationships, and making choices that serve me and those i love. i breathed them out with clouds of steamy breath into the chilly air along the deschutes. i whispered them to the waterfalls, and drank them in with hot coffee. i closed my eyes to the sunshine and let them penetrate my eyelids with warmth. i saw them in the smiling face of my dog.
since my new years experience there has been tremendous movement in my life on so many levels. but, that's a whole other post don't you think?
i suppose you could call me a backpacker - that would be fair.
i am a goal setter...i think professionally at this point. at least if i were to get paid for each goal that i set, even pocket change, i think i would be able to retire by the time i turned 40 (of course, when i think about that i realize it's a good thing that i don't get paid for setting goals...i think i would get bored pretty quickly were i to retire). small, medium, large - it matters not at all to me. i set goals about cleaning my house, and walking my dog, and doing my job, and writing my blog. of course, i also set bigger, broader goals that encompass living intentionally, being healthier, and being more open. i like goals. they help me to move forward and to chart my progress. goals work for me.
so of course one would think that if i were such a fan of goals that i would be a fan of the new years resolution. this tradition is just that - setting a goal for the year. combine that with the symbolism of starting a fresh new year (i love symbols AND fresh starts), and you'd think i would be all over that resolution thing.
so this takes me back to the sidewalk along highway 99 as i trekked home with my big bag full of kombucha and kale. i had been looking for a plan for ringing in the new year. i'd missed the boat on winter solstice (which is think is WAY cooler than new years by the way), and i wanted to plan something that would be interesting and meaningful to me as 2012 started up. i had been invited to a couple of parties, and i also had half a mind to stay home and drink tea. that said, none of these options seemed exactly what i wanted. i thought back to other new years i'd had, and i realized that the best ones were those in which i was doing just what i was doing at that moment - backpacking. whether in the field at aspen, or doing a hut to hut in glacier park, i have to say that the best new years were less about when midnight struck, and more about being where i felt alive and ready for new beginnings.
of course i had to go to the backcountry.
so i had my goal. plan a wilderness trip for new years. i knew i could get my friend jesse in on it for sure - he's always looking for some time in the woods. i imagined sitting by the fire in the snow, sipping some whiskey and perhaps burning some sage. the thought of sage of course took me to the idea that perhaps i should engage in some kind of ceremony while i was out there. perhaps i would write all of the things i wanted to leave behind on pieces of paper and burn them, or smudge and imagine the things i want coming to me.
i thought about the things that had happened in the past year. one year ago i had been driving my car from new york to utah to spend new years with jason in salt lake city. i was so sick at the time that i could not sit up in the car for longer than 6 hours. my voice was gone, and because i had no health insurance, i'd not gotten antibiotics for the pulmonary infection i had until my aunt's doctor friend in chicago graciously wrote me a prescription. even a year later i can feel the scar tissue on my vocal cords - not what one likes as a singer. that said, i had just been offered a job at oregon state university running a program that helped students in poverty. after a hard year that included underemployment, unemployment, homelessness, hunger, sickness, and heartbreak, bronchitis seemed to be a small bump in the road.
the year that followed was intense with both joy and sorrow (they are lovers after all). walking down the street in corvallis 365 days later, i felt poised to start the time ahead of me with hope and intention. i thought that perhaps if i were to spend ceremonial time at my new years fire that it would be best to look forward, and leave the past behind.
so goals...
as i ruminated on the goals i might want to set for myself, i realized that i could not remember a single time where i had made a new years resolution. i thought back as far as i could remember, wondering how i could have made it through 31 years without a memory of setting such a goal. i am not sure why, but either i made resolutions that were forgettable or lacking in impact, OR i did not make any at all. my inclination is to say that this probably had to do with my unwillingness to do things because they are traditional or 'what people do,' but i do not think that my oppositionally defiant ways are to blame. i think it is because i already set so many goals that the idea of a new years resolution seems moot. i decided that perhaps i would keep with my tradition of being irresolute.
maybe that was my resolution...who knows?
my time in the backcountry over new years was truly amazing. i got my fire in the snow with a good friend and some whiskey. i threw in some dark chocolate with blueberries, hazelnut rice crackers, and smoky bleu cheese as well. we had no watches, no cell reception - we sat and talked and watched the stars until we felt tired and decided that the new year was rung. after that, this insomniac curled up in a pair of cozy sleeping bags and slept all night long without waking or dreaming. the next two days included more of the same.
i did make some goals going into 2012 (how could i not really?). they are broad, and include things like increasing my wellness, deepening relationships, and making choices that serve me and those i love. i breathed them out with clouds of steamy breath into the chilly air along the deschutes. i whispered them to the waterfalls, and drank them in with hot coffee. i closed my eyes to the sunshine and let them penetrate my eyelids with warmth. i saw them in the smiling face of my dog.
since my new years experience there has been tremendous movement in my life on so many levels. but, that's a whole other post don't you think?
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