how not to get a job

so at the moment i am in the middle of two different job searches. one, i am looking for a new position for myself, and two, i am looking for someone to replace me. its interesting to be on both sides of the process simultaneously. i have a lot more empathy when i see that look in people's eyes that tells you 'i need this job.' i gain new ideas for my cover letters and resume with each application i read.

i've been interviewing people for 9 years now. it all started when i took a position as senior interviewer at clark university. i met with prospective students and talked with them about their goals, what they wanted in a school, and then answered questions. afterward i did a writeup that went into their application file. i have no clue what kind of bearing my thoughts had on their application, but i felt very empowered in the position nonetheless. since then i have sat on and chaired hiring committees, served as employee trainer-interviewer at a wilderness program, and took on the role of trainer-recruiter while working at the aspen achievement academy. i can't put a number on the amount of interviews i've done in these 9 years, but i'd wager its well into the high hundreds.

i like interviewing. i like job searching. i don't like the stress of wondering if i am going to get rejected, or the worry of crunching out yet another cover letter. i like having 30 minutes to connect with someone and let them know who i am. i like sharing my thoughts and philosophies. my inner narcissist thrills at a time when it is really all...about...me. since i enjoy doing it myself, and i've been involved with so many other people's processes as well, i have started helping others.' just this week i did two references, helped with two cover letters, and provided much-needed advice to a person who certainly did not have it together (and if you are one of the people i helped this week and you actually know me - i am NOT referring to you with that last comment).

i do have some tips for people on what not to do when applying for a job. these come from 9 years of experience with interviews, cover letters, and resumes.

from the archives:

• though its nice that you have hobbies, i don't think that 'adult magazine collector' is something you want to advertise to your future employer - unless you are applying to work for larry flint. i am not larry flint - i am less lecherous and female.
• i also don't recommend including history about your past lives in your cover letter. it's great that you were a medicine woman two lives ago, but i think things have changed a bit since then.
• please don't spend time trying to convince me you are not an illegal citizen right when you walk into the interivew. i am not the state of arizona.
• bursting into tears in a phone interview because i gave you some constructive feedback does not bode well for your ability to take direction.
• i do not recommend printing your resume and cover letter in rainbow font. it does not make you look creative and outside the box. it makes you look like a crazed LSD freak.
• please do not include the names of your kids in your cover letter. its nice you are a parent, but jimmy, joey, johnny, joshie and susan are not coming to work with me. i can learn about them later as i am sure you are going to come in with three cardboard boxes filled with pictures, art projects, and their baby scrapbooks.
• coming to an interview stoned and smelling of pot is a great way to get a job at a head shop. btw - i would never work at a head shop.
• punctuation, is nice only, when; put in the right - places.
• when i interview you on the phone, i don't appreciate it if you ask me what i am wearing. though in this situation the person was not trying to come on to me, it was still creepy.
• when writing a cover letter please AVOID highlighting things using ALL CAPS. i don't like it when people shout at me even in print.
• if you must put a picture on your resume please do not make it one of you in a bathing suit.
• i don't recommend that you joke about how our health policy can help you when you get crabs. it makes me want to take a bath in hand sanitizer once you leave the room...oh...and burn the chair you were sitting in.
  

i am sure i will have more as life moves along. its just nice to get these little reminders...to have faith in humanity...?

assume crash positions

those of you who know me well understand that i have what can only be described as a mild obsession with buffy the vampire slayer (well...those of you who really know me well might describe it as more than 'mild'). the universe joss whedon created has long gone out of vogue with the exception of reruns late late at night. however, when things come up in my life i almost always find some kind of buffy analogy - a situation, a line, a plot twist - that helps me think about what is going on in reality.

this recent decision to enter into a job search is no different. i realized today that i have been living in what tara, in the episode 'after life' called 'assume-crash-positions.' tara was talking about a spell that the group had done to bring buffy back to life. it went well despite some hitches, and in the end the group had what they wanted for themselves - their friend back. tara used the 'crash-positions' metaphor to describe the feeling the group had about the huge risk they were taking. they were all poised for it to go wrong - tensed up and ready for the crash and burn. today i found in myself that same sense of impending dread...only after i had relaxed a bit.

some personal history is needed to understand why i might be all worried about this job search thing. my first job search after college was very painful. i applied to over 20 different jobs, was rejected by 18, and in the end earned myself a part-time position with smith college residence life. don't get me wrong...at least i ended up with a job, but i will say that the process of being rejected that many times was pretty upsetting to a girl who had only once before been told 'no' for something she'd applied for. during that two month period i lived out of my car in the clark university parking garage, writing cover letters at the library and showering in the gym. it was not a completely awful existence, but it certainly left an impression.

my next job searches were much easier. i'd learned i would survive rejection, and i had built up my resume in a way that made it harder for places not to notice me. i also had going for me the fact that i did not NEED the job i was applying for. as soon as i took the smith job my dad told me 'you have a job, so now you can look for one.' this bit of wisdom has helped me a lot as i moved on in life. i generally don't let go of one branch until i've found the next to swing to.

that was not the case when i got back from new zealand. wilderness therapy jobs were dried up as was my savings account. i lucked out landing the job i am in now - but jason has not. he has been working in wilderness therapy as best he can, but layoffs loom and we are looking for jobs in new places.

i still deal with the issues with my initial job search when i put together my resume and start writing cover letters. i worry that the resume is not good enough. i wonder what i should put into my letters. i have anxiety over whether or not i am going to get calls. i worry, worry, worry my days in distraction and my nights in insomnia.

this week i landed a couple of interviews. it felt good to hear from places and to know that even in this tough economy i might be competitive. i stopped frantically checking every university's job boards twice a day. i stopped having crazy dreams. i stopped feeling panicky. i just...stopped. in the end i realized i stopped doing and feeling a lot of things that i did not realize i was. i relaxed though i did not realize i was tense. i've slept better, laughed more, and done more fun things this week. i know i am not out of the woods so to speak, but i am realizing it will be ok.

how to do this without crash positions?

i wish i knew. i'd like to take on change without it being arduous, stressful, and anxiety-riddled. i know that there is always going to be some of that, but i also know that i should not have to live in crash position until things smooth out. it's not fun.

if you know how please let me know!