competition

i live about a 10 minute walk from a beautiful and interesting disc golf course, and have been out and about on it several times in the past couple of months.  on my most recent jaunt i headed out with a friend who, after we had bombed the first hole, asked me how i kept score.  his face looked kind of confused when i stated that i did not actually keep track of score when i played, but just went out for the chance to play, be outside, exercise my dog, and do something that challenges me.

"but, how do you know who wins?"  he asked.  "what's the point?"

i was concerned in that moment that this first hole might be the only one we played.  i had no interest in competing with my friend, and he believed that in order to play a game there must be a winner and a loser.  i asked him whether or not he knew his best score from the course (he did), and suggested that perhaps he compete with himself rather than with me.  we were able to continue on after that, both of us getting what we started out to do...kind of.  i could tell that regardless of my not keeping score, that my friend was doing the tally in his head.  i doubt that we will go out on the course together again. 

i thought about it afterward - why did i not just roll with his need for it to be a competition?  i used to keep track of score when i went to the course in utah. what had changed. the first time i'd been out to the course here in corvallis i was with a different friend who did not keep score. i'd not kept score since then.  maybe i was simply following the norm that friend set?  but, then again, i just joined an indoor soccer team here in town, and we got creamed my first game out.  i walked away fully satisfied regardless - all i wanted to do was play.  i did not really care who won or lost.

i used to be so competitive - what happened?

i used to hate losing.  i made everything into a competition - and i mean everything.  cooking, driving, hiking, school, talking, intelligence, being funny - my daily life was laid out as a landscape of things at which i could beat people.  if i did not have others to compete with, i created little games in my head where i could compete with myself.  it was fun.  it made me more productive.  it passed the time.

plus it could mean i was better than you - and this helped my flagging self confidence.

but now...not so much.  i used to get such pleasure in rising above the rest, being the best - winning - at whatever i was doing.  these days my focus is different.  i spend more time doing things that are collaborative.  i prefer to have team harmony and cooperation rather than being the standout individual.  i want everyone to grow, play, learn, have fun.  when i have some means to compare my current self to my past self i am looking for self-improvement as celebration rather than beating a personal best.

so i wonder - where does competition come from?  my mind first goes to biology and the need to meet basic needs and procreate.  humans do that - we amass wealth and resources to ensure our physical survival, and strive to groom ourselves to be the most beautiful so we can find a mate.  instinct is a powerful thing.  i often see the ways in which it affects humans most when i look at children, who have had less time to be socialized to behave in certain ways.  when children are left to their own devices they also create competitive situations.  children compete with one another without even knowing why.  just watch a group of them on the playground create a pecking order, or play a game, and you can see this happening.  recently i was in the park and watched a young girl pick up a bunch of fall leaves.  she picked up more than her sister, and proclaimed to her mother, "i won!'  'what does that mean?' her mother asked.  the look on the little girl's silent face told me she had no clue. 

now i am not saying that competition is not also something we learn.  i think that the urge to compete has been transformed in the human world into something different than just feeding, protecting, and having sex.  sports and games are prime examples.  although some might beg to differ, the eagles/pats game that is on the tv next to me right now is not a matter of survival.  that said, people develop an emotional connection to competition that is deep enough that for some, it feels like it.  i remember feeling like someone had died after losing a state semifinals game in high school.  the sense and quality of the emotion was so much deeper than even i could explain.

i wonder then, what it means that i no longer feel as competitive?  i would say that perhaps this is linked to feeling secure and therefore not having the instinctual need to compete, but my life seems contrary to that.  even when i was struggling last year with unemployment and homelessness i did not feel a competitive nature arise.  i'm single, and though i have interest in finding a mate, i don't really feel that it is something i need to compete for.  the more time that passes in my life the less competition is important to me.  i am not the only one to express this.  so many people i know have stated that they have become less and less competitive as they aged.  i've heard it in the climbing community and in team sports particularly, which makes sense considering these are competitive areas to begin with.

so i wonder - if competition is part of primitive instinct, and over time people tend to be less competitive (my own observations of course - no data), does this mean that maturation eliminates competition?  i do see a great amount of immaturity within competitive arenas -football victory dances and political mudslinging immediately come to mind.  and if that's so, is there such a thing as competition that is completely adult?

yeah...so that's what i have been thinking about...and now that i have taken you with me to the brink, i'm done.

labels

i was conversing with a friend the other day about gender and sexuality and self-identification, and he, bold as usual, asked me how i identified.

'i don't,' was my reply.

the words actually came out of my mouth before i had thought about it.  i had a similar experience a few days later while discussing politics and communities.  a different friend, after hearing me rant for about 30 minutes, stated 'i never pegged you to be an anarchist,' to which, i replied, 'i'm not.'

i used to really like defining myself in a set of identifiers, neatly stacked, with squared-off, clean edges.  liberal, feminist, environmental, bisexual, locavore, foodie, woman - yes, that's me.  but, um, no...it's not.

at this point i am finding that the way in which i place myself onto the identity landscape is not to create for myself a title, but to tell people what i think about things.  what followed the 'i don't' regarding my sexuality was a statement about how i am attracted to the energy of a person rather than their gender or sex.  what followed the statement 'i'm not' regarding my political views was a statement about how i am convinced that grassroots and community efforts make greater change than widespread policy, and that i prefer when i can to opt out of the mainstream.

we spend a lot of time creating labels for ourselves and others.  we base it on ideals, thoughts, beliefs, actions, phenotypes...the things that make up who we are as individuals are packaged and stamped with a brand that puts us among others in a group.  it's comforting - for the individual it creates a sense of personal meaning, and places them within a group to which they get to belong.  for others it gives some kind of indication of how this person might behave - it creates predictability, and it helps people to make connections to those like them.  it makes a lot of sense when i think about it.

but there is something for me that has not been jiving of late.  maybe it's a desire to avoid being stereotyped.  maybe it's an attempt to feed my inner ODD teenager's defiance.  maybe it's simply because i don't know what to call myself.  i think about all of the nuance and spectra within identity, compound that with fluidity and cross-sectionality, and simply start to feel overwhelmed.  if i call myself bisexual it feels like i start to lose something.  i could modify it by pairing the label with a kinsey scale number, but that even seems too simple.  it does not strike at the center of understanding that includes the kinds of attraction i have, the time of my life i am in, how i have been in the past, what makes sense to me in the moment, and how i don't want to be seen.  i could go through this process with every identity that may or may not be placed upon me.  in the end i think i'd just rather make statements of thought, belief, and action, and leave it at that.

i am fortunate enough at this point in my life to have friends who are willing to stick with me through this.  that said, there are times when i am dealing with someone who is not close enough for me to share my beliefs.  in those moments i might choose to use a label that can stand between us.  they get to feel like they know me - i get to keep myself to myself.

label as barrier to the self...

i think that another reason i avoid labels is that they can so quickly dehumanize us.  useful tool for dealing with acquaintances aside, labels can readily turn people into groups, and groups into the masses that we 'other' in order to demonize, pathologize, or even kill.  i think about how race labels were created in rwanda, and how that 'othering' played a part in political strife, conflict, and eventually genocide.  i'm not saying that putting a label on someone is a sure way toward hacking them up with a machete, but it does place them one step either closer in to you and away from 'other,' or one step farther into 'otherness.'  it's like the 99%.  on one hand i love that claiming this label stands me in solidarity with others.  it creates a sense of power for people who feel they have none.  it also dehumanizes.  it makes the 1% into evil, faceless, greedmongers who are out to hurt us.  not everyone within this percentage fits that bill, and they are people too.  on the flip side it dissolves the individuality of the 99% while diluting the causes and stories that each one represents.  that's what the placards are for - people trying to assert both. 

i also wonder whether or not i am placing barriers around myself by not claiming a label.  i did say that labels help us to connect with others - and it does so with alacrity.  not being willing to label myself can potentially make connection harder with people i first meet.  if i don't claim a label initially, regardless of whether or not that dissolves my nuanced self, i may not be granted the time with that person to go more deeply.  labels are often the conversation starters - not the end result.

at this point though i am opting for a label alternative.  i come up with some kind of bumper-sticker statement that gives people enough information about me to understand and connect to without conceding to the branding.  perhaps i am disrupting the practice..perhaps i am colluding by simply creating new labels that include a few more words.

at the moment it's working for me.

lack of consciousness

i open my eyes into the dark - to a noise i did not recognize in a space i did not know. the bed i lie in is soft and warm. i can smell clean linens and i feel the sweat starting to prickle on my neck as i swelter underneath the down comforter.

i have no idea where i am.

this has happened before.

this has happened a lot recently. i'd forgotten this part of not having a home.

once i got my wits to me and came to a realization of where i was (thanks to the mansion folks for letting me stay!) i sunk back into the bed and proceeded to flatten my mind back out for sleep. it was then that it came to me. the answer. not some kind of intense revelation. not THE WAY or HOW or WHAT'S NEXT. just simply the answer to what had stumped me last night. i knew how to start the cover letter i was working on.

this has happened before.

sitting in the kitchen this morning i chatted a bit with my friends about that moment. not the moment last night that led me to get another job application done, but THAT MOMENT when i wake from my sleep to some kind of realization. when i open my eyes into the dark and just know.

funny thing is that i did not start the conversation. my friend jason did. he came to the kitchen with a tale of realizing in the middle of the night that he needs to spend time centering again (centering in the middle - literal metaphor). he wondered aloud what it was that led him to this late-night revelation. he told me this was not uncommon for him.

this has happened before.

i often do my best thinking when i am not thinking. i come to conclusions when i sleep, when i am focused on intense exercise, when i talk, when i have sex. in the moments when i am outside of my mind i find that it works the best. the puzzle pieces pull themselves together seemingly on their own and i suddenly...just...know.

for me i live in my head most of the time. my heart and body and spirit have to catch up on a regular basis. i wonder if that is what is happening. i step out for a bit and the rest all come home. there is a scientist who focuses his research on measuring levels of consciousness and developing a meter that can read it as easily as temperature. thinking about this article, my recent accidental foray into jungian psychology, and spending time with therapists who tap into the nether-realms i wonder if that is actually possible.

i do love those moments of realization where the things i need surface from my unconscious mind and i come back to my brain to find them there. it is a moment of intense clarity where my unconscious is tapped into my conscious mind. i think about personal integration and centering and drawing together the pieces of my being and i wonder if i could harness that mindfully.

or perhaps the unconscious is not something we can own.