there's rules in wilderness?!?!?!?!

went hiking today in the hills outside corvallis, or - where i now live.  green, lush, beautiful - even though we have not had rain in a very loooong time (thank god because it did nothing but rain for weeks when i got here).  

as i drove to the trailhead i saw the requisite fire warning signs.  we are at a yellow now.  do you ever wonder if we were to be at the same homeland security warning level as fire level would the terrorists spontaneously combust?  no? ok...fire warnings yes...so i passed those and on to the parking lot where i learned that to climb mary's peak from that angle requires a $5 day fee.  now, i have climbed mary's peak a great number of times from a couple of different directions, but this is the first i've seen the fee.  and $5 without even being able to have a fire?  as they say at the end of the world - wtf mate?

first, i did not have a $5 bill - just a $10 and a $20.  i'll be damned if i am going to pay $10 to walk 6 miles up a 4000' hill - you know i never really GOT the mountain snobbery until i moved away from the rockies.  mary's peak is beautiful, and i really really enjoy it - maybe a mountain - definitely not a peak. i decided to be a bit on the shady side.  put a $10 into the envelope and filled it out, stuck it on my windshield.  if i came back and it was still there i'd take it home with me and get them back later when i had the proper change (of course those of you who know me know that i will never go back to the lot where i have to pay $5 to hike rather than go to the free ones).  i suppose that makes me a bad person.  

i headed out on my way to the actual trail.  wanted to leave the newly paved lot, the construction site below it, and the rather large toilet house behind.  when i got to the trail there was yet another sign.  this one said i had to have my dog on a leash no longer than 6' at all times. i turned to ask summit if she knew where we'd put her leash to find her taking a shit just off the side of the trail.

yeah summit, i feel that way too.

rules in the wilderness...now i know, i know, hiking up mary's peak is MOST DEFINITELY not wilderness.  people can drive to within 10 minutes of the summit for pete's sake (also, who is this pete we refer to all the time?).  but really - rules.  have you seen the honey badger on youtube?  i think you should because i am telling you honey badger don't care about rules and little bear don't care either.

check out this badass salamander i found on the trail recently.  do you think salamander cares about rules?  salamander don't care!  yeah yeah, fire rules are there for safety.  i don't want to burn down mary's peak.  i don't even actually want to go up there and have a fire, but le sigh to the max - i know how to not burn it down.  i also hiked through the ghost fields in and around yellowstone - no trees yet after 23 years. i know what fire can do AND i know that the fire there burned so badly because fire had been removed from the ecosystem for way too long.  when you remove something from an ecosystem it throws off the balance.  fire is a predator just like hawks and wolves and honey badgers.  you take it out and you can get trouble.  

i am not proposing we remove the fire rule.  it just makes me sad that we need to have it.  i know not everyone is skilled or aware or remotely uncareless (hehe made up a word).  i suppose little bear do care, but little bear don't like it.

and the $5 fee?  see this tree?  what this tree gonna do with $5?  tree don't care.  yeah i get that there is maintenance and work and all kinds of things that are done that these dollars cover.  in this bent though i have to say that i side with good ol' uncle ed in his desert solitaire diatribe about national parks.  let's get the roads out of it!  let's save the roads for people who can't walk to the top (sorry ed - i differ from you on that point)!  let the people who can, do so - if they do DON'T CHARGE THEM FOR IT.  i appreciate that people want to enjoy the outdoors, but this has led to the creation of all this infrastructure, and then infrastructure to maintain the infrastructure.  that leads to having to pay to walk 6 miles up a big hill.  little bear don't care.

see this puppy dog? ok, i suppose this is the shadow of the puppy dog.  puppy dog don't care for leashes, muzzles, harnesses or any other kinds of doggy s&m accoutrement.  puppy dog would not even wear a collar except mommy wants her phone number on puppy in the event of separation.  i get that some people don't train their dogs.  put those dogs on leashes!  i went to the rogue brewer's memorial beer festival - dogs and beer, beer and dogs.  it was fun but there were a lot of misbehaving puppies not being restrained by their drunk owners.  this one should have a leash rule, but outdoors?  my dog likes to run and play and enjoy the space.  i trained her well.  she does not bite, jump, nip or bark.  i dislike heartily the idea that because some people can't take care of their pets that mine needs to be tied up.  little bear don't care.

i think what i am really saying is a) if you don't want rules avoid hiking up the east ridge of mary's peak, and b) i miss my wide open, wild and wooly, camp where you want, have a nice fire, and don't gotta pay shit honest to goodness wilderness.  gots to get me outta dodge for some of that soon!

gifted

went out last night to the depot to see a couple of guys from austin texas perform electronic rock to the most amazing laser lights show i've seen. i stood on the dance floor dodging elbows to the nose (i always end up behind a really tall, dancing, man) allowing my heart to tremble with the bass. it was a lot of fun - well done ghostland observatory.

then i headed out to fat's grill to see my friend jesse playing blues music. we got there late in the third set. it was rowdy and loud and we continued our evening of dancing. not too bad for a night out in salt lake city.

my fiend jesse is a really incredible pianist. i watched him playing and i felt awed and amazed. i also found myself being a bit jealous. i've always thought it would be cool to learn to play the piano. my mom offered to get one when i was a kid so that i could take lessons. we had a family friend who was a concert pianist. he too was amazing to listen to. in the end we realized that we did not have space in the house for a piano. after a few years i ended up taking on the clarinet, and two years ago i started in with the guitar. certainly i got my instrumental kicks elsewhere.

i almost feel guilty when i am jealous of the musical abilities of others. i have many incredibly musically inclined people in my life - garret and the guitar, jesse and the piano, lynsey and the violin. i feel guilty because i think that perhaps i should not be jealous - i understand that i have something as well...my voice.

when i think about this i start to wonder about the difference between talent and a gift. see, i know that i have been given a gift. i never learned how to sing - i just knew. i was able to mimic the sounds i heard on the radio, from others, in the world around me. i have not cultivated it, studied it, worked it like the people around me who may also have gifts, but also have talent. i think of talent as something one creates...they harness the innate ability they have within themselves and turn it into something extraordinary. when i think about what it took my friends to get where they are i find it so humbling.

and i feel grateful for my gift. i feel grateful that people appreciate it and that i can share it with others. i feel humbled because i did nothing to earn it and nothing to create it. regardless i get to benefit from it. i guess that means that my friends who worked to cultivate their talents should be jealous of me, but i think it must be great to be able to look at their accomplishments and feel that they earned it. their hard work and care and time has led them to do amazing things.

i suppose we can all be grateful - and make amazing music together.

the bunny suicides

drove from moab to loa last night via 24. not my preferred way to go, but with the cold, ice, snow, and wayward deer in the road i decided to take the longer route. it was a gorgeous night. as i rolled up 191 to 70 i could see the cheshire-cat smile of the moon huge and orange as it dipped toward the clifftops. i plugged in my ipod and sang my heart out as i cruised along into the desert night.

however there was danger lurking around every corner.

not danger for me. no, i was safely belted into my tank-like german sedan with anti-lock brakes and dual side airbags. the danger lay outside the car in the road dodging in and out of the sagebrush.

bunnies.

at first i was not bothered by them...

then there were a LOT. when i mean a LOT i will say that by the time i got around to counting the little fluffers running around the road under the wheels of my car (about halfway through a 2.5 hour drive) i got to two casualties and twenty near misses.

if you don't already know, when bunnies feel threatened they run away and weave back and forth at the same time. effective if you are trying to get away from a fox or coyote, but for a car...yeah...not so much.

it was like playing frogger in reverse...with bunnies

in the end i managed only to kill 2 of them, but that took some very calculated swerving and slowing. i will say for all of the ridiculousness it did pass the drive time AND summit was totally engaged.

kamikaze bunnies...go figure.

ps - the comics i put into this blog are by an artist named andy riley who totally shares my sense of humor.

music man

had a moment the other night at an open mic in flagstaff. i had already been on stage to play my songs - felt really good about it actually...no jitters this time - and the next act took the stage. i was getting a drink when they were setting up (thanks to the folks at mia's for giving me free drinks for playing!) so i did not see them before they started to play.

acoustic guitar. cello baseline. djembe.

world beats. mellow base. eclectic lyrics.

i was instantly transported. my mind went on time travel to a time in my past. i could smell the smoke, hear the people talking softly below me, feel the cool of the mic in my hand. if i opened my eyes i was sure i could look over and see garrett standing next to me, barefoot, mildly disheveled, and strumming his well-loved guitar. i'd see bennett perched on a chair, beanie on his head, cradling the djembe between his knees. i'd see emily, tall and willowy in her unique thrift store dress, her long hair swaying as she played her trombone. my heart warmed at these thoughts and i felt grateful to this trio for bringing them back to me.

i loved being a member of acoustic wave machine, the strange and folksy hippie band i joined when i lived in washington. i ended up in it totally on accident. i was out one day on my bike and ran into one of my students. she must have picked up on my reputation for being the crazy hippie environmentalist RED because she let me know that there was an earth day festival down the hill in one of the parks. i rode down to check it out.

garrett was playing when i got there. he was up there with three other guys playing the mandolin, banjo and djembe. the songs were interesting - political, environmental, witty and unique. the guitar riffs were lively and the four of them seemed to fit well. it all seemed to work, but i had a hard time listening anyhow. as brilliant a guitarist and lyricist garrett was, he was no singer. he could carry a tune, but one would never classify him as a singer.

the crew ended up their set and joined the crowd to watch the next group up. they ended up walking through the crowd of people lounging on the grass and sat right next to me. now i will say that most of you know me as the person who will literally talk to anyone. i'll chat people up in the supermarket, the bar, the line for the ladies' room, the gym. but this was over 6 years ago and i had not really gotten over my fear that in talking to people they would not push me into a locker or try and stick my head in a toilet. ok, that's a bit drastic. at this point i was more just worried that people would not want to talk to me, so when i turned to these three guys and said something it was a big step for me.

when i tossed the comment "you guys sound great" in their direction it was garrett who replied. "thanks - too bad i can't sing." i had to smile - at least the guy understood his limitations. often people think they are far more vocally talented than they actually are. we see it all the time on american idol - those are not the only people who harbor such illusions - just the ones who make it public. his casual comment about his voice led to great conversation about voice training, vocal exercises and the like. in the end he told me that he wanted to put together a project. apparently the guys he was playing with were not his band. then he tossed in a comment about his vision.

he wanted to front the project with a female vocalist. and he wanted to know if i knew of any.

awesome.

i'll say before i go on with the story that i am seriously impressed with a man who wants a woman to sing his songs. music is pretty much a male-dominated industry. please don't regale me with stories of britney or jewel or madonna or the runaways. i know that there are lots of women in music, but for every woman who is out there as a musician there have to be about ten men. this open mic night i was at is a prime example. in four hours i was the only female to get up there. i guess men are more comfortable taking that kind of risk - it does involve a level of ego that not very many people have. the willingness to think that someone else might want to listen to you.

clearly i have this level of ego - not only do i go to open mic nights...i write this blog.

anyway from this point on garrett earned his way onto my list of top male allies along with brad, dave, francis and my father.

my friend monique was terrified that in going to garrett's for an audition i was signing up to be raped and murdered in some strange man's house. i guess coming from detroit she has good reason to be wary. i guess that even today i enter these situations with a kind of naivete that can be positive but potentially dangerous. in the end she could not convince me to cancel or bring someone with her, but she did get me to sign on to calling her when i got there and taking her phone call 15 minutes later.

by the time i got there i realized she had put her fear into me. i stood at the door for about 10 minutes trying to decide if i should knock.

i really have no clue what i was worried about.

the house was open and naturally lit with hardwood floors covered in worn oriental rugs. the walls were painted with murals and the houseplants were so overgrown that they crisscrossed the ceiling giving me the impression that i was outside. the first thing garrett did was introduce me to his dog cami and cat cleo.

yea, not so much of an axe murderer.

we played covers so he could get a feel for my voice and what i could do. it was a lot of fun. his roommate came in and played on the djembe (that was how i met derek, but that is another story entirely). eventually he told me that he liked what i could do and wanted to play me a recording of one of his songs to see if i could learn it. the woman in the recording was amazing. even to this day i can recall listening to her and thinking there was no way in hell i could do what she could with her voice. i sang along however and garrett seemed pleased.

he invited me to come back next week to meet the rest of the band.

the meeting was great - we jammed and worked on a couple of garrett's songs. everyone was very complimentary and i had a great time.

they invited me to come back next week to play.

and that is how it went for a year. each week we would get together and play and i was told it was great and would i come back next week. we played gigs in parks and coffee shops and bars. each gig we would play and i was told it was great and would i come back next week.

there was never any confirmation i was IN the band. just that. i asked garrett once and he just laughed.

it was an amazing experience that i will always cherish. i learned to be bolder and more willing to take risks. in getting up on stage and singing to people i learned to put myself out there, to talk to the crowd and be comfortable and to connect with others. i found that in projecting my physical voice that i was able to project my energy, my emotion, my mind - i was able to put myself into the world in ways i had never tried. those lessons carried over into my time at aspen, in new zealand, and now as i attend open mic nights, apply for jobs, and seek reentry to graduate school. i am more comfortable with myself - stronger and more confident.

when i left idaho i missed it. i missed the comraderie, the excitement, and most of all, i missed the music. i spent time being miserable about it - i drove back to moscow to play gigs, i felt jealous when they got a new gal to sing in the group. i thought i'd just have to give it all up.

then i remembered those lessons.

i taught myself to play guitar two years ago. it was incredible to be able to accompany myself and i started writing songs. i found that in doing so i took on even more of that confidence. i suppose that is what allows me to get up at open mic nights to play. sitting there in the bar in flagstaff i had to smile at where i've come from and where i hope to go.

thanks brother.

shit happens

spent 8 days out on the east side of boulder mountain recently. was working in the field...again. the experience was not unlike deja vu, but included new students, new co-staff, and new hikes, so i guess one might classify it as a unique experience. in the end i shat in the same old holes, slept in the same old dirty clothes, and ate the same old meals out of coffee cans. i will say that it was beautiful - really really really really really gorgeous out there. i will also say that despite the student who collapsed sobbing face down into the dirt with his pack on his back (he recovered a bit muddier for the wear), and the frightening experience of being on top of a ridge in 3-count lightning (frightening might be an understatement), i had a really great time out there.

sitting at the country cafe wednesday night with the rest of the outgoing field staff i enjoyed a buffalo burger and a beer (ok - 3 beers) and the raucous hilarity that only can come from a bunch of adults pent up with teens for a week. to say that we were appropriately quiet, used appropriate language, or were at all appropriate would be a big fat lie. wednesday nights at the cafe are our time to let off steam about the week and cater to all of the whims of the id. its when we complain about our students, make dirty jokes, tell old tall tales of battle in the desert trenches, and plan our weeks ahead.

the whole experience only serves to add fodder to one of my ongoing projects. i have been collecting stories from wilderness, student affairs, and life in general to write book about working with other people's kids. at this point i have some great tales, a couple of really interesting chapter topics, and about 100 pages of text crammed into my tiny computer. i thought i might put out a few highlights from a chapter about shit - mostly because i think it's just funny! i mean, who does not enjoy a bit of bathroom humor minus the bathroom???

if you have any stories you think i have missed or would like to contribute please please let me know!

- superturd - a residence hall staffer gets called in to help deal with a log so big it won't go down the toilet. calling in the 'laser pee' technique and a couple of sticks from the yard, superturd is eventually vanquished.

- freshness guaranteed - wilderness student misinterprets the 'pack it in, pack it out' philosophy and seals more than his toilet paper up in a ziploc.

- poopytort - on a mission to locate a missing student, staff learn that tortillas can be used for more than eating.

- shit mitten - wilderness student digs up more than he bargained for.

- the phantom pooper - who's office will they hit next???

- tater turds - wilderness staff discover a little more than freeze-dried mashed potatoes when preparing for a meal.

- personal hygiene - a group of teenage girls come up with a way to avoid carrying their used toilet paper around...just don't use it. allow me to say that their hygiene technique was called 'the shimmy' and did not include wiping of any kind. by the time we figured this out the group had enough yeast to bake bread.

that's all i have for now. have really been enjoying turning these crappy tales into eloquent prose. hope that the list makes you laugh like it does me!

lack of consciousness

i open my eyes into the dark - to a noise i did not recognize in a space i did not know. the bed i lie in is soft and warm. i can smell clean linens and i feel the sweat starting to prickle on my neck as i swelter underneath the down comforter.

i have no idea where i am.

this has happened before.

this has happened a lot recently. i'd forgotten this part of not having a home.

once i got my wits to me and came to a realization of where i was (thanks to the mansion folks for letting me stay!) i sunk back into the bed and proceeded to flatten my mind back out for sleep. it was then that it came to me. the answer. not some kind of intense revelation. not THE WAY or HOW or WHAT'S NEXT. just simply the answer to what had stumped me last night. i knew how to start the cover letter i was working on.

this has happened before.

sitting in the kitchen this morning i chatted a bit with my friends about that moment. not the moment last night that led me to get another job application done, but THAT MOMENT when i wake from my sleep to some kind of realization. when i open my eyes into the dark and just know.

funny thing is that i did not start the conversation. my friend jason did. he came to the kitchen with a tale of realizing in the middle of the night that he needs to spend time centering again (centering in the middle - literal metaphor). he wondered aloud what it was that led him to this late-night revelation. he told me this was not uncommon for him.

this has happened before.

i often do my best thinking when i am not thinking. i come to conclusions when i sleep, when i am focused on intense exercise, when i talk, when i have sex. in the moments when i am outside of my mind i find that it works the best. the puzzle pieces pull themselves together seemingly on their own and i suddenly...just...know.

for me i live in my head most of the time. my heart and body and spirit have to catch up on a regular basis. i wonder if that is what is happening. i step out for a bit and the rest all come home. there is a scientist who focuses his research on measuring levels of consciousness and developing a meter that can read it as easily as temperature. thinking about this article, my recent accidental foray into jungian psychology, and spending time with therapists who tap into the nether-realms i wonder if that is actually possible.

i do love those moments of realization where the things i need surface from my unconscious mind and i come back to my brain to find them there. it is a moment of intense clarity where my unconscious is tapped into my conscious mind. i think about personal integration and centering and drawing together the pieces of my being and i wonder if i could harness that mindfully.

or perhaps the unconscious is not something we can own.

go nomadic - again...

when home has no place to park

guess i won't be going there...

thanks to those of you who have sent me kind words and well-wishes of late. if you don't already know yes, jason and i split this week to head on separate paths. his leads him to earn 'dirt time' on organic farms, looking for skills and experiences on which to build his school. at the moment mine consists of picking up some shifts at aspen and continuing my job search.

drove from moab to county last night. the rain was intermittent and i could see bits of orion peeking out through gaps in the clouds. summit curled up against me in a way that reminded me of the first day i got her. we drove through the night to twin falls idaho. after refusing to get into the car and eventually throwing up on my gear stick she simply sighed, decided she could adopt me too, and lay her head across the parking break onto my thigh. last night she lay like that all the way to notom where we threw down for the night.

i find a simple pleasure in returning to this way of life. i have what i need, i go where i want, and the bills are low. any pressure is further eased by rolling back into the place where everybody knows my name. ten minutes i'd been at castle rock when a friend walked over from the next door business to clap me on the shoulder and give me a hug. not too shabby for 7:30 in the morning. i'll head to the power plant next and visit with tina before watering my plants at the poho and hunting people up at the mansion. eventually i'll get to loa. not in any rush though.

i will not say that i don't want my own place. i want a nice place with a yard for the dog and wireless internet. if it had wooden floors for yoga and a gas range i'd hole up and never leave.

yeah...i get it, i should cut the hyperbole.

i will say that at this moment my desire to bounce around and be footloose and fancy free is about 50/50 with my need for stability and space. i guess what i am doing on integration and balance is working. i love the romanticism of moving with the wind, of pulling up my tent stakes (or bivy stakes in my case) and seeing where i end up. i like doing what i did last night - driving until i came to an open space where i can see the milky way and just camping right there. i love calling up a friend and dropping in for an extended couch visit - cooking them meals and leaving the kitchen a bit cleaner than i found it.

then again i also relish in the safety and comfort of familiar faces - of not having to read the menu because i already know what i am going to eat - of waking to my photos on the wall in a bed made up of my own linens. i love that quiet release in my heart when i walk into the smell of my own place in the dark and know what it will look like when i turn on the lights. i want my plants around me, not languishing for lack of water in a mostly empty house. i want to curl up in an oversized armchair and scan my bookshelf to reread chapters from something dog-eared and friendly.

i need to find a way to serve both masters.