we are the lucky ones

can you really complain?

i don't think i can.

yeah i am working 50+ hours a week and planning on selling my car...but really i have to take a look at my wrist and remember that i put those words on it for a reasion.

love your life - be in the present - right now is all right.

when you work in places that serve people in need you end up getting a pretty healthy dose of perspective. it's not at all unwelcome. in the end i have a nice roof over my head, fresh, organic food, an amazing partner and the best dog ever. if someone were to ask me about friends i would say i have lots of them, and many of them are close.

i meet people who lack the money to feed themselves. i meet people who have been beaten and raped and treated like shit by those they were just trying to love. i meet people who have nothing. i meet people who live under the weight of racism, sexism, classism, and ableism. i meet people who have been in and out of hospitals for years. i meet people who have no one.

see what i mean by perspective?

so today i count my blessings. if you are reading this know that you are one.

retail-izations

when i was little i had a dream that i would be the first female major league baseball player. i moved on through a number of interesting and odd future professions: landscape architect, meteorologist, professional clarinetist, arabic translator...i hitched myself to the plan of the week and boldly surged forward until the next fad came my way.

honestly, i can't think of any time in my life when i wanted to work in retail.

i remember my friend marina applying for positions as sales associate (sorry marina if i got that wrong) as we closed out college. as in all things, we were on opposite ends of the spectrum - she wanted a job with a good salary working in fashion retail. i wanted to continue living on campus and playing educational games with students. it went along well with her love of diamonds (i was a fan of the 'engagement boat'), obsession with coach purses (i got my first real wallet at 28), and belief that she was a true princess (i showered twice a week on a good week). of course i wished her well and hoped she would land some great position - better her than me :)

so when i started working at wabisabi it was safe to say that i did not take the position because running a cash register put my panties in a twist. i wanted to get involved with an amazing organization, truly back up my beliefs when it came to sustainability, lean back on what i am good at - administration, and work on amazing and fun programs that educate and help others. in short, i was still chasing the dream i had when i graduated from clark eight years ago - not marina's.

but really. it works for me.

working at a thrift store is probably the only way to avoid the anaolgy "clare is to retail as oil is to water."

of course one of the things that helps is that this is not just another business. the money that we make goes back into the community instead of into some shareholder's pocket. every day i go to work i get to meet the people who benefit from our profits (should i call them that? it IS a nonprofit...eh, whatever). not only that, but there are some times when people come in from our parther organizations and we just give them stuff. talk about not buying into the capitalist system i'd avoid if it weren't so damn easy to take part in.

then also there is the fact that all of the stuff we sell is getting a second (sometimes a third, fourth...fiftieth) lease on life. i get to see things i donate go to new homes. because of wabisabi there is less waste in the world, and more wealth. people get 'new' items for much, much less. then they bring in the things they no longer need to be recycled back into the community. the whole thing breeds generosity as well as thrift and recyling.

but really i think the best best part is that each day working in the store is NEVER NEVER NEVER the same. though there are times when we see some of the same items again (matt actually tagged a kid's electric guitar today for the third time as it keeps getting redonated), each time i open a tub of items to tag and put out it's like breaking into a magical treasure chest of interesting things. clothes, toys, kitchen supplies - you name it. each item is unique and bears the signs and energies of a life well-lived. well...the old ones do anyway. we do get new stuff in too which i often find much less interesting. the net result of experiencing those bits of history is that one gets emotionally connected to the things that are in the store. by boss jeff and i were in town leaving a meeting when we saw a truck pass with a miniature recliner in the back. both of us had to smile and remark that we were glad the little chair, which had been in the store just that morning, had gone to a good home.

and i get to buy cute clothes without feeling guilty! after four years of carhartts, capeline, and hiking boots i embrace tiny tank tops, sun dresses, capris, strappy sandals, and jewelry jewelry jewelry!

the people are amazing too. committed to sustainabilty, lead interesting lives, and love to have fun! i get music, jokes, philosophy, bitch sessions, plans for worm farms, dancing, advice, stories, feedback, and much, much more. i thought when i left the field i would not be able to find another group of people to work with with whom i would have so much in common. then again i thought that when i left WSU as well...

i guess i should learn that history can repeat itself.

of course there are the quirks and pitfalls. one can go broke saving all that money! i find myself hanging all of my clothes left-shoulder out in my closet. i refuse to buy things i need new for fear they will show up at work the next day. i think jason is getting tired of hearing about the cool new item - be it fun talking pirate ship or sweet electric guitar - that came into work that day.

all in all it's a good gig. way, way more than i expected and, i imagine i have only seen the tip of the iceberg. clare realizes again that she can have it all and sacrifice nothing - she of little faith.

and marina...she teaches yoga these days.

go figure.

there will be some turbulance upon reentry

i decided a while back that i wanted to go back to school and get myself certified to be a substance abuse counselor. i am ready to take the next step toward becoming an actual therapist, and, since i did not get into the Ph.D. programs i applied to, i have decided i will work on this aspect of my education while planning my next move.

it simultaneously hard and easy to get settled back into the life of academia. i started by trying to figure out how to take classes while remaining here in moab. my sources pointed to the university of utah, which was easy enough. i went online and found all of the certificate information, and worked on planning jobs and the like around a combination of online coursework and traveling to unknown locations for televised lectures. it seemed complicated and i felt a bit headachey setting things up, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.

of course that all fell through when i called the u and they told me they were discontinuing the online program. despite this setback i learned that utah valley university was taking over the distance learning program for the cert. instead of a messy program that included a lot of traveling i now could do all the work online. easy as pie. the application process also was a snap. i went onto the uvu website, filled out a form that took no more than 15 minutes, and paid a small fee. about 10 minutes later i received an email that informed me that i would get my acceptance letter in a couple of days.

once i was 'in' though things got a bit complicated. in order to get into classes i had to sign up within a traditional category of students: freshmen or transfer. apparently you can't sign up as a free agent, even to take one class. i chose transfer seeing as i have two degrees already. i also had to choose a major, but there was no option for certificates or the program i am going for. i picked behavioral health since it seemed the best option. what came of all this categorization is that i received an email telling me to find my advisor on campus and get set up for classes.

i called my advisor. no answer.

i called again. no answer again.

i called a few days later. still no answer.

i started to get edgy about things. figuring i knew a bit about colleges, i started browsing the uvu website trying to figure out who else i could talk to. the uvu site - not so informative. i did get a bit of luck in the form of a serendipitous locating of the course requirements for my certificate program - something i could not find earlier on. i learned that in order to take the certificate i had to complete several prerequisites including psych 101 and english 10. i felt ok with the psych course, but intro english? yeah...had to get out of that one.

i opted on calling people on campus. this led to a wild goose chase that sent me from phone tree to phone tree like a digital monkey. i could not for the life of me get through to a real person. i gave up and sent an email to student advising with a list of questions. what i got back three days later was a form message telling me i had to find my advisor and sign up for orientation.

my next round of calling went a bit better. i actually got real voicemails. i left a couple of messages and, only a day later, got back some answers. apparently my transcripts were not yet in, and i was being asked to go to my advisor's office to get oriented and given allowance to sign up for classes. again i called my advisor - and got through! however this was again trouble - because i was signed up as a transfer student in behavioral health i was not paired with the right person to get me settled into my program. i was passed along again.

i'll say this to you now. if you want someone in academia to help you out flash your creds. when i got through to the next person and started my discussion with 'i have a masters degree...' it was like the red sea parted. prerequisites were waived and i was immediately allowed to sign up for my one summer class - psych 1010.

i went online and registered before they changed their minds.

not always the dragon lady, i

far from the empowered voice that i usually have, today i feel anxious and impatient.

sometimes i feel an unbearable need to get through the tough things as soon as i can so that i can know what i already know - that i will be just fine. i sit here in moab feeling pretty low - in debt from moving and starting a new job, lots of bills, not knowing people, jason gone a lot, feeling like i am having to start all over, all over, again again.

it's not really that bad - i look at the tattoo on my wrist that reminds me that right now is all right. i know that in the end it will be. i'll meet people. my finances will smooth out once i start getting regular pay checks. jason is not working at ptr forever. it's the waiting for all of it to come that just frustrates me.

it's like wanting to be at the finish line in the middle of a race - i can't be there and here at the same time.

though i can be all enlightened and thoughtful and aware about it, it still hurts. i still feel kind of sick to my stomach and worry that i might be wrong - that i will have to sell my car to pay for my house and that i will spend most of my days here sitting at home with my dog and a book. i let the critic come in and tell me that i can't possibly be ok. i let it in and i feel ill - i break out, my stomach churns, i have diarrhea, my body feels like lead when i try to do things.

it's awful.

i have no answers. i try to envision things being ok - getting lost in my dreams of being a therapist here and helping people, of owning land and no longer paying rent, of paying off my car so i can buy my new racing bike. i aim for these things and i know i can get there. at least i try to know...

unemployment is the new black

loved the article i read in time magazine this week - 'the dropout economy' by reinan salam. i read it and felt even farther tapped in to what has been going on for me since my arrival back in the states. something that has been brewing in my mind for quite a long time, but is now starting to surface as more real than imagined.

salam talked about how more and more young people in the us are opting out of education, jobs, and the taxable economy. his vision of the future is one of intentional communities, barter systems, virtual classrooms, and a throwback to traditional agriculture. these subcultures are simultaneously local and global, traditional and modern.

they are the very things that i am seeing throughout my life and the lives of my friends. people are heading to the wilds to homestead, staying home to create photography or life coaching businesses, and keeping their kids home to attend online high schools. at wintercount there seemed to be more and more apprenticeships offered for people to learn self-sufficiency. friends' parents are become steadfast to the slow foods movement, shopping mostly at farmers' markets.

if you know me well you know that i am constantly balancing between this world and the mainstream. i struggle with issues of ego that push me to value my experiences and situation on a more conventional scale. at the same time i long to live outside of the chorus that presses me to seek the higher paying job or prestigious degree. it's why i came to the utah desert - to opt out of the 'what's next' phenomenon that i followed blindly through two college degrees and into a closet full of pants suits i tried not to wear. i say this not to dis this way of life, but simply to demonstrate that though for several years i wondered if it was for me, i stayed in it because i felt i had to.

it was a huge deal for me to work in the desert of utah with troubled teens. i took a big pay cut and derailed my career plans. i took phone calls and emails for the first six months or so from people in the student affairs field who thought that tossing job opportunities my way might coax me out of my quixotic journey. i lived in my car and in the basement at aspen.

i loved it.

four years later i sit where the end of my fourth year intersects with my thirtieth birthday. i have spent the past 5 months traveling, reflecting, playing, learning, and enjoying being essentially unemployed. it was a very scary thing for me to decide to take off this past winter. i'd really not been without work since i started taking part-time jobs in middle school. i left aspen knowing i was giving up the job and situation i had built over three years. it was the ultimate in letting go.

getting back into things i realize that i am forever changed by that decision. it slid me farther down the slope i'd been on for years - since my third year at wsu when i switched from pantsuits to cords and sweaters despite the professional warnings of colleagues. when i did that i thought i was a rebel. i was in a way. it was a step away from established ways of being. as i read about postmodern thought and toyed with the romantic idea of subverting existing paradigms i did not realize that i had already started to do so in my own goody-two-shoes way.

so what now? well...i think on the salam article with excitement as it unveils ways of being that i dream about. i want to homestead. i want to work for myself. i want to hunt and grow my own food. i want to live off the grid. i find myself thinking about how i can work less and less in a conventional job and more and more in my own sphere. i want to help people. i want to be involved in a community that is local and global, traditional and technological. i don't know how this is going to pan out, but i also don't need to know. instead i keep dreaming and thinking and subverting and waiting. though i have done some work i am still what the census bureau deems unemployed. oddly enough in the midst of all this opting out i made for damn sure i was counted.

i guess i am still teetering in my own way.

30 rocks

been doing some thinking...of course i have - i was in the field.

when you are in the field things are slow. i appreciated that considering that upon my arrival back in the states things are feeling more like warp speed. the only slow time i got before returning to the utah desert was the three days i spent in bed with bronchitis...and those days went by fast from my perspective, being asleep and all. so it was nice to hop into a truck and drive out to where life moves in the circle of the sun, and everything takes time.

in the midst of making a set of spindles to match my set of defiant girls i let my mind wander, as it has a tendency to do. i came upon a memory from the day before in which one of my students asked me my age. usually when a new staff goes into the field an "intro group" is held in which we all rattle off a series of predetermined bits of personal information - one of these being your age. i generally go out of my way to avoid doing these groups. i prefer to get information from my students by chatting them up rather than watching them zone out to the point of drooling while they hear their group-mates intone the same schtick that they did last week. as a result i had not shared my age with my students.

it is interesting to note that teenagers have no concept of age or time. most see the world as a series of things that are either "cool" (read - around my age) or "old" (read - around my parents' age). my boyfriend has a great tale to illustrate this. in a conversation about bob dylan, the beatles, and the doors, one kid stated to him "wow - music was so good when you were kids." he's 31, and that happened in 2009.

i used to amuse myself by answering the question "how old are you?" with a question of my own, "how old do you think i am?" eventually i got tired of kids telling me i looked about forty...not because i harbor some vanity about my looks, but simply because this kind of assertion is so pathetically unobservant that it pains me. i moved on to simply stating my age as it is and leaving it at that.

so i surprised myself when i answered "i will be 30 in may," instead of claiming my current age of 29.

i wondered why i did this. in the end i came up with a couple of reasons. first, being born in 1980, i generally align my age with the last digit of the year. once the year turns over i start thinking like i have already aged accordingly. i also will find that because at the new year i am more than halfway to my next age that i start thinking of myself as older. perhaps i did it out of wishful thinking while growing up and just never got out of the habit. i also could have done it because there is more shock value in being 30, and it got me the answer "really? you don't look 30," (be still my vain vain heart). i also considered that i abhor the cliche of the woman who always says she is 29. ever since i hit that overused age i have been avoiding telling people for fear they will not actually believe me.

but really i think that the reason i answered that i was going to be 30 was that i have been anticipating what that will mean for some time now. i know that there are lots of women out there who fear aging and are unhappy about a 3 at the start of their age instead of a 2, but i do not fall into that category. instead i have been looking forward to leaving the world of twenty-somethings and being, what seems to me, more substantial.

not that i think that simply changing a number associated with my time on earth makes me wiser or better or stronger. indeed there is little change in going to sleep one number and waking up another. however, the prospect of turning 30 has led me to reflect on my life and who i am growing to be. it seems an accomplishment to make it this far and to look back down the path behind me. i can see all the experiences and epiphanies - the things that make me, me. it feels good to look at all that and feel happy with where i am in life. though i know that i can do that at any moment, i think that completing a three-decades long trip around the sun lends itself to introspection.

of course, the saturn return helps...

though i still have a couple of months until i am thirty in any place more than my mind, i am glad to have this period of thought and self-searching. i feel like i am seeking to embrace a new era in my life. i wonder what will come of it.

meditating on the middle

had an interesting revelation last night while singing at kiertan here in county. i have been thinking a lot lately about going for my phd and whether or not that is a good idea - if i really want it or not. my revelation came to me in the form of a medicine wheel. i thought about how the aspects of the self - mind, body, spirit, heart - are all present in all people, but that quite often we get 'tagged' with one or two of them as the aspects in which we excel. for example, i have been given such great feedback on the mind - school, problem-solving, creativity - people point these out to me regularly. second to that is body - sports, fitness, physical accomplishments. when you get lots of support in specific aspects of your life you tend to lean on those for self-worth and continued praise. what can end up happening is that you miss out on developing the other aspects.

so what does life do? eventually as you get older things start to even out. you get some feedback that demonstrates you need to improve on one of your weaker aspects...or perhaps you realize that you are missing something. for some people a seminal event occurs that creates a paradigm shift - an athlete becomes paralyzed or one has a near-death experience. when something like this happens a person is pressed to reshape their life and lean on new aspects that before was underutilized.

the vision i had of this process was one of a distorted circle. the circle is divided like a medicine wheel into four parts. the aspects of self represent the four directions. each person is born a perfect circle though nature, nurture, environment, and inner-self eventually lead for some aspects to contract while others expand. my circle would have an oddly-shaped protrusion in the mind aspect. the body might also be stretched. the heart and spirit would either be unchanged or even caved in. it's been easy to keep it that way, but slowly things press either in or out, trying to make me a circle again.

there are common phrases and ideas that touch on this topic. the first thing that comes to mind is the 'diamond in the rough.' a diamond needs to be polished and cut to be considered complete and valuable. diamonds with oddities and protrusions are not worth that much. another phrase is 'well-rounded.' clearly this one fits very nicely into my thoughts. it not only implies that a person is thought of well if he or she is multi-faceted but takes on the circle as a symbol for a complete being.

so coming back to the phd. i realize in many ways that i am not as interested in pursuing it as i thought i was. i feel drawn to improve some of the other parts of me. as we moved from song into our meditation i chose to meditate on the middle - pulling and pushing myself around so that i can 'circle up.'