read this ny times article today about nonprofit salaries and how people in our government are withholding funding to one because the executive director is getting such a large salary. now i first read this with righteous indignation...how could someone working for a NONPROFIT make up to $1 million a year? moab is the mecca for nonprofits (more here per-capita than in the rest of the us), and i know for sure that no one is pulling in that kind of cash. this reaction is fueled by two of my own life filters, 1) no one needs to get paid $1 million a year for ANYTHING, and 2) its a nonprofit people, why on earth are they giving all that money to just one person?
but i did sit with it for a while and actually asked that last question i posed. in working for two different nonprofits of late, and doing support programming for many others, i am coming to realize that the term 'nonprofit' does not mean a bunch of beleaguered hippies in birkenstocks running around trying to fix people's lives. i already did kind of know that, but i live in the concrete places of life and it helps me to SEE it in action to get it. knowing that nonprofits are businesses, and understanding that it takes a freaking lot lot lot of hard work to run one, i began to piece together a much less biased view on the whole situation.
if you want to be the best you can be to serve the populations you choose to serve you need to be powerful, organized, connected, and efficient. these are important qualities for any organization be it nonprofit, for profit, sports team, church choir...you name it. if you are a national nonprofit with hundreds and hundreds of locations and thousands of employees, donors, and volunteers...if you get millions in government grants that you need to apply for, and if your business includes being connected to some of the most powerful people in the country to get what you want, do you want some neo-hippie fresh from the peace corps waltzing in at 10am with a goatee and a latte (ps i have nothing against hippies, peace corps, going to work at 10am, goatees, or lattes)? no. you want the best business person you can muster with all of the power, connections, fundraising experience, and executive skills possible.
if the private sector places the value of such an executive at millions a year, what is wrong with a nonprofit saying they are willing to pay $1 million for that person? if i am a ceo at some major corporation making millions why would i go to work for peanuts somewhere else? i know that you can say 'morals,' but consider deciding to take only one tenth or less of your salary to do the work you do. not so cool huh? yeah, i know that these people make way way waaaaayyy more that you or i probably do (and if not and you are reading this please help to fund this poor wayward blogger - i will provide an address to which you can send checks), but if the market for better or worse places a multimillion price tag on that kind of work, well i suppose that morals can lead a person to take $1 million instead of $10 million.
do we have to suffer for our morals? is it not possible for us to make a good, solid living and still help those in need? apparently the government does not think so, as they held up the funding for the boys and girls clubs over the executive's salary. though that is not the only place lawmakers have opted for this approach. the americorps vista program, aimed at eradicating poverty pays even less of the paltry sum they pay its non-vista volunteers in the name of having the participants live like the people they serve. when you look at it one way you could argue that perhaps lawmakers should live on the average salary of their constituents. then again, i imagine that like the nonprofit exec took a pay cut to go from private to nonprofit, the senator could make way more than a government salary if he or she opted to sell more than their morals and health care plans to the people.
but i digress. i do think that it is reasonable for a person who wants to help others to ask that he or she be well cared for whilst doing it. after all, if we are trying to fight poverty why would we require that the people who are choosing to work to end it live in it? it seems oxymoronic to me. not only that, but isn't an ally a person who is in the 'power up' position of some social dichotomy, yet opts to work on behalf of those who are in the 'power down' position? allies are important in enacting any kind of social change. it is just as important for whites to be against racism and heterosexuals to be against homophobia as it is for blacks and gays to fight for their rights. i do not in any way want to indicate that these groups can't create their own change, but just that it helps to have others in on the cause. and in the case of poverty, its really really hard to create a lot of change for yourself if you are working 60+ hours a week to make ends meet along with raising your kids. it takes money and energy to help out. nonprofits can get the money, and they need to use some of it to harness the energy necessary to enact change.
so though i still argue that no one needs $1 million a year for ANYTHING, i understand that i do not control the market value of things (oh if wishing made it so). so if a nonprofit needs $1 million to entice someone to come kick some ass and make things run well i say go to it. plus, if you want to place value on outcomes, don't you think $1 million is better spent on someone trying to help people in need rather than shareholders? perhaps this IS a better value than i thought...
28.7.10
24.7.10
the year of the bear
i've seen four bears this year in my travels. one, a huge, hairy, ass running from my car as i trundled toward a trailhead; two, another enormous bottom high-tailing it uphill from my dog on a hike; three, a sleepy-eyed baby munching on berries alongside the trail; and four, a lanky streetwise night stalker looking to empty dumpsters in estes park. each sighting was a thrill to my senses, a chance to tap into the depth and power of the bear totem, the wilderness, and my own inner self.
i have proclaimed it the year of the bear.
so you would imagine that i was disappointed when i walked 26 miles through the rocky mountain national park and saw nothing of bears. no scat, no tracks, not even a sign warning that hikers beware. it was not that we did not think on bears whilst out there. we carried the correct precautionary gear (BEARVAULT 500v!), did the requisite 70 paces for cooking and storage, and made sure we did not hike in absolute silence (though that would be nearly impossible for mandi and i). with bears on the mind one might think we would at the least see something to indicate that bears were out there - but alas. mandi was pretty glad not to have an encounter, but i left the woods wishing for just a glimpse of my spiritual brethren.
and i came out to no calls about jobs.
once again this is something on my mind. each day i comb the websites...craigslist, higheredjobs.com, college human resource sites, NASPA...you name it. i tweak and change and retweak my resume, write cover letters like joss whedon writes fantasy stories, and meticulously package and email off application after application. for the moment i am coming up an empty inbox and indicators for carpal tunnel.
if this is the year of the bear, what the hell is going on?
i could blame the economy, my own naivete, my insistence on returning to student affairs after a four year sabbatical, or my ability to bullheadedly burrow myself into things without thought of the endgame, but in the end i think it's more like my insistent search for bears. the bears i saw this year had their own agenda, i just ended up in the right place at the right time and boom - furry, fearsome, goodness. i found these bears with no expectation. they were a gift from nature.
it's not to say that i did nothing to end up with these sightings. i still had to get to the mountains, walk the trails, look the right direction, and SEE. however, i did not go out expecting to find bears, just to have an experience, however that might unfold. it's like finally deciding you are no longer going to search for love and then meeting THE ONE the following day. my job search must include all the essentials for finding my bear - i need to get out, go to the mountains, take a walk and SEE - but i can't rush it, can't push it, and certainly can't conjure something from nothing.
walk, breathe, experience, look, SEE.
it's still the year of the bear. i've seen more this year than i have total in my life. i imagine i'll see more if i let go. i suppose it's time to include that philosophy into other aspects of my life, hard as that might be.
it's the year of the bear - little ones included.
i have proclaimed it the year of the bear.
so you would imagine that i was disappointed when i walked 26 miles through the rocky mountain national park and saw nothing of bears. no scat, no tracks, not even a sign warning that hikers beware. it was not that we did not think on bears whilst out there. we carried the correct precautionary gear (BEARVAULT 500v!), did the requisite 70 paces for cooking and storage, and made sure we did not hike in absolute silence (though that would be nearly impossible for mandi and i). with bears on the mind one might think we would at the least see something to indicate that bears were out there - but alas. mandi was pretty glad not to have an encounter, but i left the woods wishing for just a glimpse of my spiritual brethren.
and i came out to no calls about jobs.
once again this is something on my mind. each day i comb the websites...craigslist, higheredjobs.com, college human resource sites, NASPA...you name it. i tweak and change and retweak my resume, write cover letters like joss whedon writes fantasy stories, and meticulously package and email off application after application. for the moment i am coming up an empty inbox and indicators for carpal tunnel.
if this is the year of the bear, what the hell is going on?
i could blame the economy, my own naivete, my insistence on returning to student affairs after a four year sabbatical, or my ability to bullheadedly burrow myself into things without thought of the endgame, but in the end i think it's more like my insistent search for bears. the bears i saw this year had their own agenda, i just ended up in the right place at the right time and boom - furry, fearsome, goodness. i found these bears with no expectation. they were a gift from nature.
it's not to say that i did nothing to end up with these sightings. i still had to get to the mountains, walk the trails, look the right direction, and SEE. however, i did not go out expecting to find bears, just to have an experience, however that might unfold. it's like finally deciding you are no longer going to search for love and then meeting THE ONE the following day. my job search must include all the essentials for finding my bear - i need to get out, go to the mountains, take a walk and SEE - but i can't rush it, can't push it, and certainly can't conjure something from nothing.
walk, breathe, experience, look, SEE.
it's still the year of the bear. i've seen more this year than i have total in my life. i imagine i'll see more if i let go. i suppose it's time to include that philosophy into other aspects of my life, hard as that might be.
it's the year of the bear - little ones included.
22.5.10
we are the lucky ones
can you really complain?
i don't think i can.
yeah i am working 50+ hours a week and planning on selling my car...but really i have to take a look at my wrist and remember that i put those words on it for a reasion.
love your life - be in the present - right now is all right.
when you work in places that serve people in need you end up getting a pretty healthy dose of perspective. it's not at all unwelcome. in the end i have a nice roof over my head, fresh, organic food, an amazing partner and the best dog ever. if someone were to ask me about friends i would say i have lots of them, and many of them are close.
i meet people who lack the money to feed themselves. i meet people who have been beaten and raped and treated like shit by those they were just trying to love. i meet people who have nothing. i meet people who live under the weight of racism, sexism, classism, and ableism. i meet people who have been in and out of hospitals for years. i meet people who have no one.
see what i mean by perspective?
so today i count my blessings. if you are reading this know that you are one.
i don't think i can.
yeah i am working 50+ hours a week and planning on selling my car...but really i have to take a look at my wrist and remember that i put those words on it for a reasion.
love your life - be in the present - right now is all right.
when you work in places that serve people in need you end up getting a pretty healthy dose of perspective. it's not at all unwelcome. in the end i have a nice roof over my head, fresh, organic food, an amazing partner and the best dog ever. if someone were to ask me about friends i would say i have lots of them, and many of them are close.
i meet people who lack the money to feed themselves. i meet people who have been beaten and raped and treated like shit by those they were just trying to love. i meet people who have nothing. i meet people who live under the weight of racism, sexism, classism, and ableism. i meet people who have been in and out of hospitals for years. i meet people who have no one.
see what i mean by perspective?
so today i count my blessings. if you are reading this know that you are one.
15.5.10
retail-izations
when i was little i had a dream that i would be the first female major league baseball player. i moved on through a number of interesting and odd future professions: landscape architect, meteorologist, professional clarinetist, arabic translator...i hitched myself to the plan of the week and boldly surged forward until the next fad came my way.
honestly, i can't think of any time in my life when i wanted to work in retail.
i remember my friend marina applying for positions as sales associate (sorry marina if i got that wrong) as we closed out college. as in all things, we were on opposite ends of the spectrum - she wanted a job with a good salary working in fashion retail. i wanted to continue living on campus and playing educational games with students. it went along well with her love of diamonds (i was a fan of the 'engagement boat'), obsession with coach purses (i got my first real wallet at 28), and belief that she was a true princess (i showered twice a week on a good week). of course i wished her well and hoped she would land some great position - better her than me :)
so when i started working at wabisabi it was safe to say that i did not take the position because running a cash register put my panties in a twist. i wanted to get involved with an amazing organization, truly back up my beliefs when it came to sustainability, lean back on what i am good at - administration, and work on amazing and fun programs that educate and help others. in short, i was still chasing the dream i had when i graduated from clark eight years ago - not marina's.
but really. it works for me.
working at a thrift store is probably the only way to avoid the anaolgy "clare is to retail as oil is to water."
of course one of the things that helps is that this is not just another business. the money that we make goes back into the community instead of into some shareholder's pocket. every day i go to work i get to meet the people who benefit from our profits (should i call them that? it IS a nonprofit...eh, whatever). not only that, but there are some times when people come in from our parther organizations and we just give them stuff. talk about not buying into the capitalist system i'd avoid if it weren't so damn easy to take part in.
then also there is the fact that all of the stuff we sell is getting a second (sometimes a third, fourth...fiftieth) lease on life. i get to see things i donate go to new homes. because of wabisabi there is less waste in the world, and more wealth. people get 'new' items for much, much less. then they bring in the things they no longer need to be recycled back into the community. the whole thing breeds generosity as well as thrift and recyling.
but really i think the best best part is that each day working in the store is NEVER NEVER NEVER the same. though there are times when we see some of the same items again (matt actually tagged a kid's electric guitar today for the third time as it keeps getting redonated), each time i open a tub of items to tag and put out it's like breaking into a magical treasure chest of interesting things. clothes, toys, kitchen supplies - you name it. each item is unique and bears the signs and energies of a life well-lived. well...the old ones do anyway. we do get new stuff in too which i often find much less interesting. the net result of experiencing those bits of history is that one gets emotionally connected to the things that are in the store. by boss jeff and i were in town leaving a meeting when we saw a truck pass with a miniature recliner in the back. both of us had to smile and remark that we were glad the little chair, which had been in the store just that morning, had gone to a good home.
and i get to buy cute clothes without feeling guilty! after four years of carhartts, capeline, and hiking boots i embrace tiny tank tops, sun dresses, capris, strappy sandals, and jewelry jewelry jewelry!
the people are amazing too. committed to sustainabilty, lead interesting lives, and love to have fun! i get music, jokes, philosophy, bitch sessions, plans for worm farms, dancing, advice, stories, feedback, and much, much more. i thought when i left the field i would not be able to find another group of people to work with with whom i would have so much in common. then again i thought that when i left WSU as well...
i guess i should learn that history can repeat itself.
of course there are the quirks and pitfalls. one can go broke saving all that money! i find myself hanging all of my clothes left-shoulder out in my closet. i refuse to buy things i need new for fear they will show up at work the next day. i think jason is getting tired of hearing about the cool new item - be it fun talking pirate ship or sweet electric guitar - that came into work that day.
all in all it's a good gig. way, way more than i expected and, i imagine i have only seen the tip of the iceberg. clare realizes again that she can have it all and sacrifice nothing - she of little faith.
and marina...she teaches yoga these days.
go figure.
honestly, i can't think of any time in my life when i wanted to work in retail.
i remember my friend marina applying for positions as sales associate (sorry marina if i got that wrong) as we closed out college. as in all things, we were on opposite ends of the spectrum - she wanted a job with a good salary working in fashion retail. i wanted to continue living on campus and playing educational games with students. it went along well with her love of diamonds (i was a fan of the 'engagement boat'), obsession with coach purses (i got my first real wallet at 28), and belief that she was a true princess (i showered twice a week on a good week). of course i wished her well and hoped she would land some great position - better her than me :)
so when i started working at wabisabi it was safe to say that i did not take the position because running a cash register put my panties in a twist. i wanted to get involved with an amazing organization, truly back up my beliefs when it came to sustainability, lean back on what i am good at - administration, and work on amazing and fun programs that educate and help others. in short, i was still chasing the dream i had when i graduated from clark eight years ago - not marina's.
but really. it works for me.
working at a thrift store is probably the only way to avoid the anaolgy "clare is to retail as oil is to water."
of course one of the things that helps is that this is not just another business. the money that we make goes back into the community instead of into some shareholder's pocket. every day i go to work i get to meet the people who benefit from our profits (should i call them that? it IS a nonprofit...eh, whatever). not only that, but there are some times when people come in from our parther organizations and we just give them stuff. talk about not buying into the capitalist system i'd avoid if it weren't so damn easy to take part in.
then also there is the fact that all of the stuff we sell is getting a second (sometimes a third, fourth...fiftieth) lease on life. i get to see things i donate go to new homes. because of wabisabi there is less waste in the world, and more wealth. people get 'new' items for much, much less. then they bring in the things they no longer need to be recycled back into the community. the whole thing breeds generosity as well as thrift and recyling.
but really i think the best best part is that each day working in the store is NEVER NEVER NEVER the same. though there are times when we see some of the same items again (matt actually tagged a kid's electric guitar today for the third time as it keeps getting redonated), each time i open a tub of items to tag and put out it's like breaking into a magical treasure chest of interesting things. clothes, toys, kitchen supplies - you name it. each item is unique and bears the signs and energies of a life well-lived. well...the old ones do anyway. we do get new stuff in too which i often find much less interesting. the net result of experiencing those bits of history is that one gets emotionally connected to the things that are in the store. by boss jeff and i were in town leaving a meeting when we saw a truck pass with a miniature recliner in the back. both of us had to smile and remark that we were glad the little chair, which had been in the store just that morning, had gone to a good home.
and i get to buy cute clothes without feeling guilty! after four years of carhartts, capeline, and hiking boots i embrace tiny tank tops, sun dresses, capris, strappy sandals, and jewelry jewelry jewelry!
the people are amazing too. committed to sustainabilty, lead interesting lives, and love to have fun! i get music, jokes, philosophy, bitch sessions, plans for worm farms, dancing, advice, stories, feedback, and much, much more. i thought when i left the field i would not be able to find another group of people to work with with whom i would have so much in common. then again i thought that when i left WSU as well...
i guess i should learn that history can repeat itself.
of course there are the quirks and pitfalls. one can go broke saving all that money! i find myself hanging all of my clothes left-shoulder out in my closet. i refuse to buy things i need new for fear they will show up at work the next day. i think jason is getting tired of hearing about the cool new item - be it fun talking pirate ship or sweet electric guitar - that came into work that day.
all in all it's a good gig. way, way more than i expected and, i imagine i have only seen the tip of the iceberg. clare realizes again that she can have it all and sacrifice nothing - she of little faith.
and marina...she teaches yoga these days.
go figure.
8.5.10
there will be some turbulance upon reentry
i decided a while back that i wanted to go back to school and get myself certified to be a substance abuse counselor. i am ready to take the next step toward becoming an actual therapist, and, since i did not get into the Ph.D. programs i applied to, i have decided i will work on this aspect of my education while planning my next move.
it simultaneously hard and easy to get settled back into the life of academia. i started by trying to figure out how to take classes while remaining here in moab. my sources pointed to the university of utah, which was easy enough. i went online and found all of the certificate information, and worked on planning jobs and the like around a combination of online coursework and traveling to unknown locations for televised lectures. it seemed complicated and i felt a bit headachey setting things up, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.
of course that all fell through when i called the u and they told me they were discontinuing the online program. despite this setback i learned that utah valley university was taking over the distance learning program for the cert. instead of a messy program that included a lot of traveling i now could do all the work online. easy as pie. the application process also was a snap. i went onto the uvu website, filled out a form that took no more than 15 minutes, and paid a small fee. about 10 minutes later i received an email that informed me that i would get my acceptance letter in a couple of days.
once i was 'in' though things got a bit complicated. in order to get into classes i had to sign up within a traditional category of students: freshmen or transfer. apparently you can't sign up as a free agent, even to take one class. i chose transfer seeing as i have two degrees already. i also had to choose a major, but there was no option for certificates or the program i am going for. i picked behavioral health since it seemed the best option. what came of all this categorization is that i received an email telling me to find my advisor on campus and get set up for classes.
i called my advisor. no answer.
i called again. no answer again.
i called a few days later. still no answer.
i started to get edgy about things. figuring i knew a bit about colleges, i started browsing the uvu website trying to figure out who else i could talk to. the uvu site - not so informative. i did get a bit of luck in the form of a serendipitous locating of the course requirements for my certificate program - something i could not find earlier on. i learned that in order to take the certificate i had to complete several prerequisites including psych 101 and english 10. i felt ok with the psych course, but intro english? yeah...had to get out of that one.
i opted on calling people on campus. this led to a wild goose chase that sent me from phone tree to phone tree like a digital monkey. i could not for the life of me get through to a real person. i gave up and sent an email to student advising with a list of questions. what i got back three days later was a form message telling me i had to find my advisor and sign up for orientation.
my next round of calling went a bit better. i actually got real voicemails. i left a couple of messages and, only a day later, got back some answers. apparently my transcripts were not yet in, and i was being asked to go to my advisor's office to get oriented and given allowance to sign up for classes. again i called my advisor - and got through! however this was again trouble - because i was signed up as a transfer student in behavioral health i was not paired with the right person to get me settled into my program. i was passed along again.
i'll say this to you now. if you want someone in academia to help you out flash your creds. when i got through to the next person and started my discussion with 'i have a masters degree...' it was like the red sea parted. prerequisites were waived and i was immediately allowed to sign up for my one summer class - psych 1010.
i went online and registered before they changed their minds.
it simultaneously hard and easy to get settled back into the life of academia. i started by trying to figure out how to take classes while remaining here in moab. my sources pointed to the university of utah, which was easy enough. i went online and found all of the certificate information, and worked on planning jobs and the like around a combination of online coursework and traveling to unknown locations for televised lectures. it seemed complicated and i felt a bit headachey setting things up, but hey, beggars can't be choosers.
of course that all fell through when i called the u and they told me they were discontinuing the online program. despite this setback i learned that utah valley university was taking over the distance learning program for the cert. instead of a messy program that included a lot of traveling i now could do all the work online. easy as pie. the application process also was a snap. i went onto the uvu website, filled out a form that took no more than 15 minutes, and paid a small fee. about 10 minutes later i received an email that informed me that i would get my acceptance letter in a couple of days.
once i was 'in' though things got a bit complicated. in order to get into classes i had to sign up within a traditional category of students: freshmen or transfer. apparently you can't sign up as a free agent, even to take one class. i chose transfer seeing as i have two degrees already. i also had to choose a major, but there was no option for certificates or the program i am going for. i picked behavioral health since it seemed the best option. what came of all this categorization is that i received an email telling me to find my advisor on campus and get set up for classes.
i called my advisor. no answer.
i called again. no answer again.
i called a few days later. still no answer.
i started to get edgy about things. figuring i knew a bit about colleges, i started browsing the uvu website trying to figure out who else i could talk to. the uvu site - not so informative. i did get a bit of luck in the form of a serendipitous locating of the course requirements for my certificate program - something i could not find earlier on. i learned that in order to take the certificate i had to complete several prerequisites including psych 101 and english 10. i felt ok with the psych course, but intro english? yeah...had to get out of that one.
i opted on calling people on campus. this led to a wild goose chase that sent me from phone tree to phone tree like a digital monkey. i could not for the life of me get through to a real person. i gave up and sent an email to student advising with a list of questions. what i got back three days later was a form message telling me i had to find my advisor and sign up for orientation.
my next round of calling went a bit better. i actually got real voicemails. i left a couple of messages and, only a day later, got back some answers. apparently my transcripts were not yet in, and i was being asked to go to my advisor's office to get oriented and given allowance to sign up for classes. again i called my advisor - and got through! however this was again trouble - because i was signed up as a transfer student in behavioral health i was not paired with the right person to get me settled into my program. i was passed along again.
i'll say this to you now. if you want someone in academia to help you out flash your creds. when i got through to the next person and started my discussion with 'i have a masters degree...' it was like the red sea parted. prerequisites were waived and i was immediately allowed to sign up for my one summer class - psych 1010.
i went online and registered before they changed their minds.
21.4.10
not always the dragon lady, i
far from the empowered voice that i usually have, today i feel anxious and impatient.
sometimes i feel an unbearable need to get through the tough things as soon as i can so that i can know what i already know - that i will be just fine. i sit here in moab feeling pretty low - in debt from moving and starting a new job, lots of bills, not knowing people, jason gone a lot, feeling like i am having to start all over, all over, again again.
it's not really that bad - i look at the tattoo on my wrist that reminds me that right now is all right. i know that in the end it will be. i'll meet people. my finances will smooth out once i start getting regular pay checks. jason is not working at ptr forever. it's the waiting for all of it to come that just frustrates me.
it's like wanting to be at the finish line in the middle of a race - i can't be there and here at the same time.
though i can be all enlightened and thoughtful and aware about it, it still hurts. i still feel kind of sick to my stomach and worry that i might be wrong - that i will have to sell my car to pay for my house and that i will spend most of my days here sitting at home with my dog and a book. i let the critic come in and tell me that i can't possibly be ok. i let it in and i feel ill - i break out, my stomach churns, i have diarrhea, my body feels like lead when i try to do things.
it's awful.
i have no answers. i try to envision things being ok - getting lost in my dreams of being a therapist here and helping people, of owning land and no longer paying rent, of paying off my car so i can buy my new racing bike. i aim for these things and i know i can get there. at least i try to know...
sometimes i feel an unbearable need to get through the tough things as soon as i can so that i can know what i already know - that i will be just fine. i sit here in moab feeling pretty low - in debt from moving and starting a new job, lots of bills, not knowing people, jason gone a lot, feeling like i am having to start all over, all over, again again.
it's not really that bad - i look at the tattoo on my wrist that reminds me that right now is all right. i know that in the end it will be. i'll meet people. my finances will smooth out once i start getting regular pay checks. jason is not working at ptr forever. it's the waiting for all of it to come that just frustrates me.
it's like wanting to be at the finish line in the middle of a race - i can't be there and here at the same time.
though i can be all enlightened and thoughtful and aware about it, it still hurts. i still feel kind of sick to my stomach and worry that i might be wrong - that i will have to sell my car to pay for my house and that i will spend most of my days here sitting at home with my dog and a book. i let the critic come in and tell me that i can't possibly be ok. i let it in and i feel ill - i break out, my stomach churns, i have diarrhea, my body feels like lead when i try to do things.
it's awful.
i have no answers. i try to envision things being ok - getting lost in my dreams of being a therapist here and helping people, of owning land and no longer paying rent, of paying off my car so i can buy my new racing bike. i aim for these things and i know i can get there. at least i try to know...
21.3.10
unemployment is the new black
loved the article i read in time magazine this week - 'the dropout economy' by reinan salam. i read it and felt even farther tapped in to what has been going on for me since my arrival back in the states. something that has been brewing in my mind for quite a long time, but is now starting to surface as more real than imagined.
salam talked about how more and more young people in the us are opting out of education, jobs, and the taxable economy. his vision of the future is one of intentional communities, barter systems, virtual classrooms, and a throwback to traditional agriculture. these subcultures are simultaneously local and global, traditional and modern.
they are the very things that i am seeing throughout my life and the lives of my friends. people are heading to the wilds to homestead, staying home to create photography or life coaching businesses, and keeping their kids home to attend online high schools. at wintercount there seemed to be more and more apprenticeships offered for people to learn self-sufficiency. friends' parents are become steadfast to the slow foods movement, shopping mostly at farmers' markets.
if you know me well you know that i am constantly balancing between this world and the mainstream. i struggle with issues of ego that push me to value my experiences and situation on a more conventional scale. at the same time i long to live outside of the chorus that presses me to seek the higher paying job or prestigious degree. it's why i came to the utah desert - to opt out of the 'what's next' phenomenon that i followed blindly through two college degrees and into a closet full of pants suits i tried not to wear. i say this not to dis this way of life, but simply to demonstrate that though for several years i wondered if it was for me, i stayed in it because i felt i had to.
it was a huge deal for me to work in the desert of utah with troubled teens. i took a big pay cut and derailed my career plans. i took phone calls and emails for the first six months or so from people in the student affairs field who thought that tossing job opportunities my way might coax me out of my quixotic journey. i lived in my car and in the basement at aspen.
i loved it.
four years later i sit where the end of my fourth year intersects with my thirtieth birthday. i have spent the past 5 months traveling, reflecting, playing, learning, and enjoying being essentially unemployed. it was a very scary thing for me to decide to take off this past winter. i'd really not been without work since i started taking part-time jobs in middle school. i left aspen knowing i was giving up the job and situation i had built over three years. it was the ultimate in letting go.
getting back into things i realize that i am forever changed by that decision. it slid me farther down the slope i'd been on for years - since my third year at wsu when i switched from pantsuits to cords and sweaters despite the professional warnings of colleagues. when i did that i thought i was a rebel. i was in a way. it was a step away from established ways of being. as i read about postmodern thought and toyed with the romantic idea of subverting existing paradigms i did not realize that i had already started to do so in my own goody-two-shoes way.
so what now? well...i think on the salam article with excitement as it unveils ways of being that i dream about. i want to homestead. i want to work for myself. i want to hunt and grow my own food. i want to live off the grid. i find myself thinking about how i can work less and less in a conventional job and more and more in my own sphere. i want to help people. i want to be involved in a community that is local and global, traditional and technological. i don't know how this is going to pan out, but i also don't need to know. instead i keep dreaming and thinking and subverting and waiting. though i have done some work i am still what the census bureau deems unemployed. oddly enough in the midst of all this opting out i made for damn sure i was counted.
i guess i am still teetering in my own way.
salam talked about how more and more young people in the us are opting out of education, jobs, and the taxable economy. his vision of the future is one of intentional communities, barter systems, virtual classrooms, and a throwback to traditional agriculture. these subcultures are simultaneously local and global, traditional and modern.
they are the very things that i am seeing throughout my life and the lives of my friends. people are heading to the wilds to homestead, staying home to create photography or life coaching businesses, and keeping their kids home to attend online high schools. at wintercount there seemed to be more and more apprenticeships offered for people to learn self-sufficiency. friends' parents are become steadfast to the slow foods movement, shopping mostly at farmers' markets.
if you know me well you know that i am constantly balancing between this world and the mainstream. i struggle with issues of ego that push me to value my experiences and situation on a more conventional scale. at the same time i long to live outside of the chorus that presses me to seek the higher paying job or prestigious degree. it's why i came to the utah desert - to opt out of the 'what's next' phenomenon that i followed blindly through two college degrees and into a closet full of pants suits i tried not to wear. i say this not to dis this way of life, but simply to demonstrate that though for several years i wondered if it was for me, i stayed in it because i felt i had to.
it was a huge deal for me to work in the desert of utah with troubled teens. i took a big pay cut and derailed my career plans. i took phone calls and emails for the first six months or so from people in the student affairs field who thought that tossing job opportunities my way might coax me out of my quixotic journey. i lived in my car and in the basement at aspen.
i loved it.
four years later i sit where the end of my fourth year intersects with my thirtieth birthday. i have spent the past 5 months traveling, reflecting, playing, learning, and enjoying being essentially unemployed. it was a very scary thing for me to decide to take off this past winter. i'd really not been without work since i started taking part-time jobs in middle school. i left aspen knowing i was giving up the job and situation i had built over three years. it was the ultimate in letting go.
getting back into things i realize that i am forever changed by that decision. it slid me farther down the slope i'd been on for years - since my third year at wsu when i switched from pantsuits to cords and sweaters despite the professional warnings of colleagues. when i did that i thought i was a rebel. i was in a way. it was a step away from established ways of being. as i read about postmodern thought and toyed with the romantic idea of subverting existing paradigms i did not realize that i had already started to do so in my own goody-two-shoes way.
so what now? well...i think on the salam article with excitement as it unveils ways of being that i dream about. i want to homestead. i want to work for myself. i want to hunt and grow my own food. i want to live off the grid. i find myself thinking about how i can work less and less in a conventional job and more and more in my own sphere. i want to help people. i want to be involved in a community that is local and global, traditional and technological. i don't know how this is going to pan out, but i also don't need to know. instead i keep dreaming and thinking and subverting and waiting. though i have done some work i am still what the census bureau deems unemployed. oddly enough in the midst of all this opting out i made for damn sure i was counted.
i guess i am still teetering in my own way.
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