what did i do for christmas? well, besides the present-opening and time with friends and family, i took some time to do something that seems almost counter to the spirit of the holidays...
i eliminated over 150 people from my facebook "friends."
i have written a few times about the fact that there are not enough words to describe the "friend" relationship. we use the same word to describe someone we met last week as we do with someone we have known 15 years, someone we work with as we do with someone with whom we live. we have to modify the word with things like "best" or "girl" in order to get closer to what the friendship really is.
the use of the word "friend" as a marker for people we are connected to on facebook confounds the word even further. it makes the relationship seem like more than it is. even when people don't know one another they can be "friends." this makes it harder for people to remove others from their facebook account. in order to do that they need to "unfriend" them, thus placing an overly significant amount of value on the click of a mouse button.
i am not saying that the people i have connected with on facebook are people i do not care about. especially now that i have removed some of the people from my list, i have a much stronger relationship to them overall. the people in my news feed are people i know. i want to see their lives and know what they are up to. i like having that window they open into their lives, and i am willing to share my open window with them as well.
with the increase of social media sites and interfaces i am able to keep up on others with whom i prefer to have a greater level of social distance. twitter and linkedin are sites where i can share with others a more professional side. on these sites i am more limited in what i show to the world. even the language and action of these sites is less personal. on twitter you have "followers," and on linkedin you have "connections." on twitter you do not share full albums of your photos, but one at a time. on linkedin you rarely engage in "status updates" of any kind. for me these 3 sites in concert make it possible for me to have some kind of online connection with people in a way that keeps my boundaries appropriate and comfortable. there are circles emanating outward from my digital core that get progressively larger and more impersonal the farther away they get. my facebook "friends" are the smallest in number, and get the most personal information. twitter is next, getting some personal thoughts as well as my professional musings, and linkedin is on the outside. here i keep colleagues, former students, and others who i want to be able to contact, but don't really care to connect with regularly. there are people in all 3, and others in just 1 or 2.
this practice is not at all separate from how we live our lives in the virtual world. we have those who we share with intimately, others we share with professionally, and those who know who we are, but do not know us well. it makes sense to me. it helps me to feel safer in my online identity. it sets things up cleanly with well-defined boundaries.
interestingly i imagine that there might be someone who reads this that is offended by being set into one of these categories. if they are only part of my twitter "followers," rather than my facebook "friends," they might see this as a slight. because social media developed from the inside out, it is a norm to have facebook "friends" we would never be intimate with in real life. "unfriending" someone is seen as an affront - rude. i even saw that in myself when i was doing it - i almost felt guilty. in the end i was able to think about it from this multi-layered perspective, which helped me to know who should fall where.
i think boundaries are helpful - even online.
17.12.12
grateful for nothing...
today i am grateful for nothing.
no, that does not mean i am ungrateful. it means that i am looking at the world and seeing the things that could be in my life, but are not in my life, and for that, i am grateful.
still confused? think about this.
i remember when i was in middle school we were asked to do drawings of negative space. we set up still life arrangements to draw, but instead of drawing the fruit in the bowl, we drew the space around it. these ended up being some of the prettiest drawings i ever did - once i got the point of the assignment - that the lack of something is not to be ignored, but celebrated.
so what am i celebrating the lack of? well for one thing, i just had my annual physical and i am disease-free, lacking in high cholesterol, lacking in high blood pressure, and did not have to hear my doctor tell me to lose weight or change my diet. though i had fun last night when our power went out, i am grateful it is on again, and tonight i will be lacking in darkness until i choose to welcome it into my life. over break i am grateful for the lack of students experiencing homelessness, and for the lack of crises coming through my door. this leads to a lack of stress, which i am also happy about.
it is funny. i think about this way of seeing things only when something bad happens, and then subsides. the end of my relationship and the death of my dog brought emotional pain into my life. i am grateful that this has subsided. right now i get reminders to be grateful for that because i still have twinges of grief that come in waves. i feel grateful for the calm that comes after that. i feel grateful for the absence of negative thoughts about my personal adequacy, or the question of whether or not i will fall in love again. i feel grateful for the lack of pain when i walk in the door of my house and am not greeted by wagging tail and wiggly kisses. i am not grateful that those are missing from my life, but i am grateful that the dread of going home to those not being there has subsided.
this week, i am grateful to go home at the end of a work day with the absence of terror, shooting, and death.
it seems i should be thinking about these things even if nothing bad has happened - that is hard to do. that said, as i sit here i am grateful that my head does not hurt as it did when i got up this morning. i am grateful i am not hungry, and i am happy for the lack of tiredness which usually hits me near the end of the day. i could go on, and on, and on, with these things that are not there. i think it is important to think about the absence of things.
the negative space around us that could be filled with negative things.
so, again, i am grateful for nothing.
no, that does not mean i am ungrateful. it means that i am looking at the world and seeing the things that could be in my life, but are not in my life, and for that, i am grateful.
still confused? think about this.
i remember when i was in middle school we were asked to do drawings of negative space. we set up still life arrangements to draw, but instead of drawing the fruit in the bowl, we drew the space around it. these ended up being some of the prettiest drawings i ever did - once i got the point of the assignment - that the lack of something is not to be ignored, but celebrated.
so what am i celebrating the lack of? well for one thing, i just had my annual physical and i am disease-free, lacking in high cholesterol, lacking in high blood pressure, and did not have to hear my doctor tell me to lose weight or change my diet. though i had fun last night when our power went out, i am grateful it is on again, and tonight i will be lacking in darkness until i choose to welcome it into my life. over break i am grateful for the lack of students experiencing homelessness, and for the lack of crises coming through my door. this leads to a lack of stress, which i am also happy about.
it is funny. i think about this way of seeing things only when something bad happens, and then subsides. the end of my relationship and the death of my dog brought emotional pain into my life. i am grateful that this has subsided. right now i get reminders to be grateful for that because i still have twinges of grief that come in waves. i feel grateful for the calm that comes after that. i feel grateful for the absence of negative thoughts about my personal adequacy, or the question of whether or not i will fall in love again. i feel grateful for the lack of pain when i walk in the door of my house and am not greeted by wagging tail and wiggly kisses. i am not grateful that those are missing from my life, but i am grateful that the dread of going home to those not being there has subsided.
this week, i am grateful to go home at the end of a work day with the absence of terror, shooting, and death.
it seems i should be thinking about these things even if nothing bad has happened - that is hard to do. that said, as i sit here i am grateful that my head does not hurt as it did when i got up this morning. i am grateful i am not hungry, and i am happy for the lack of tiredness which usually hits me near the end of the day. i could go on, and on, and on, with these things that are not there. i think it is important to think about the absence of things.
the negative space around us that could be filled with negative things.
so, again, i am grateful for nothing.
19.11.12
i can relate to that
i don't post my relationship status on facebook anymore. i used to, but the older i got the more i felt that i wanted my relationships to be deeper personally, and shallower publicly. i know that one can see through my photos that i am seeing someone, but i don't think the little pink heart will ever again grace my news feed - at least not with my name attached.
i recently ended a relationship with a man i met nearly a year ago. we were together very seriously for a while, and i thought there was potential for future growth. what i ended up learning is that the level of intentionality i bring to the things in my life is rare and unique, and that many people don't understand it, let alone share it. now, i did not come to this conclusion solely as a a result of this failed relationship - it was just the capstone to something that i had been thinking about for a while.
ten years ago i jumped into relationships without doing any kind of thinking. who cared really? it was fun, i was young, and if i stumbled sideways into something really long term then i got to be really really lucky. some painful experiences while i was in utah led me to start thinking about how i choose the people i devote myself to. i began to compile a list of things that are important to me, and when i met someone who was outside of these, i focused on friendship rather than cultivating a romantic relationship. of course, you don't know what you don't know, and i ended up finding involvement with some people who fit current criterion, but who taught me other things that i value. absence is such a powerful teacher - cruel, but powerful.
how does anyone find someone? i don't ask that in a pathetic or hopeless way. i just wonder with all of the people in this world, and all of the possibilities for matches, how do folks settle in on one person? i know it is not at all a science, and, because we are biologically meant not to be monogamous, we will be attracted to many. i also know that beyond physical attraction, our environment, emotions, and intentions play a large role. these days i think we have to add the internet in there too, which is just as strange as all the other factors.
i think about it because i'd very much like to meet someone. i think about it not too often, but it does exist there in my conscious mind as a frame on my interactions and my decisions. i used to feel like that was a silly and unnecessary (i dare say, unfeminist) goal. perhaps my 32 year old hormones are kicking in, or i can see the value-added of a partner, or i just want that kind of adventure...no matter the reason i have let go of my biases. when i meet people i am interested in i start thinking about whether or not this person would be someone i could at least fathom being with long term. if the answer is no, as i said before, i shift tack and cultivate a platonic relationship. if the answer is yes, i proceed with intention.
when it comes to things that are really outside my circle of control, like the actions and emotions of others, it seems ridiculous to imagine that intentionality is possible. despite my doubts i know that at least anecdotally it rings true. i have seen friends make decisions about what they want in potential mates, and it informs their choices. one of my friends decided that because she did not want to have children of her own, she would look for men who already had had that experience. she could be involved in children's lives without having to do the things she did not want to do. it worked out for her quite well. when i start to apply those things to my life i can see a string of needs and wants that create a frame for the person i want in my life.
then i start to think...what about the x factor? if i come up with so many ideals and stick to them will i ever find someone? what things are negotiable, and what are deal breakers? how do i decide when my body is awash with oxytocin and dopamine, and i am high off the feeling of having someone new with me? i have no answers to this. i really don't know how to manage it. i think that the intentional part has its own limitations - hence the level of confusion and uncertainty with which i enter into this in the first place.
in the end i suppose it takes measures of intention, luck, biology, time, pain, joy, and risk to get there. i am sure there are still things i don't know i don't know as well. sitting with a partially broken heart the whole thing seems scary right now, but i know it will eventually become neutral, and then interesting, and then exciting once more.
can you relate to that?
i recently ended a relationship with a man i met nearly a year ago. we were together very seriously for a while, and i thought there was potential for future growth. what i ended up learning is that the level of intentionality i bring to the things in my life is rare and unique, and that many people don't understand it, let alone share it. now, i did not come to this conclusion solely as a a result of this failed relationship - it was just the capstone to something that i had been thinking about for a while.
ten years ago i jumped into relationships without doing any kind of thinking. who cared really? it was fun, i was young, and if i stumbled sideways into something really long term then i got to be really really lucky. some painful experiences while i was in utah led me to start thinking about how i choose the people i devote myself to. i began to compile a list of things that are important to me, and when i met someone who was outside of these, i focused on friendship rather than cultivating a romantic relationship. of course, you don't know what you don't know, and i ended up finding involvement with some people who fit current criterion, but who taught me other things that i value. absence is such a powerful teacher - cruel, but powerful.
how does anyone find someone? i don't ask that in a pathetic or hopeless way. i just wonder with all of the people in this world, and all of the possibilities for matches, how do folks settle in on one person? i know it is not at all a science, and, because we are biologically meant not to be monogamous, we will be attracted to many. i also know that beyond physical attraction, our environment, emotions, and intentions play a large role. these days i think we have to add the internet in there too, which is just as strange as all the other factors.
i think about it because i'd very much like to meet someone. i think about it not too often, but it does exist there in my conscious mind as a frame on my interactions and my decisions. i used to feel like that was a silly and unnecessary (i dare say, unfeminist) goal. perhaps my 32 year old hormones are kicking in, or i can see the value-added of a partner, or i just want that kind of adventure...no matter the reason i have let go of my biases. when i meet people i am interested in i start thinking about whether or not this person would be someone i could at least fathom being with long term. if the answer is no, as i said before, i shift tack and cultivate a platonic relationship. if the answer is yes, i proceed with intention.
when it comes to things that are really outside my circle of control, like the actions and emotions of others, it seems ridiculous to imagine that intentionality is possible. despite my doubts i know that at least anecdotally it rings true. i have seen friends make decisions about what they want in potential mates, and it informs their choices. one of my friends decided that because she did not want to have children of her own, she would look for men who already had had that experience. she could be involved in children's lives without having to do the things she did not want to do. it worked out for her quite well. when i start to apply those things to my life i can see a string of needs and wants that create a frame for the person i want in my life.
then i start to think...what about the x factor? if i come up with so many ideals and stick to them will i ever find someone? what things are negotiable, and what are deal breakers? how do i decide when my body is awash with oxytocin and dopamine, and i am high off the feeling of having someone new with me? i have no answers to this. i really don't know how to manage it. i think that the intentional part has its own limitations - hence the level of confusion and uncertainty with which i enter into this in the first place.
in the end i suppose it takes measures of intention, luck, biology, time, pain, joy, and risk to get there. i am sure there are still things i don't know i don't know as well. sitting with a partially broken heart the whole thing seems scary right now, but i know it will eventually become neutral, and then interesting, and then exciting once more.
can you relate to that?
27.10.12
I Wish That You Were Mine
This song is called "I Wish That You Were Mine," and is copyrighted to me.
22.10.12
21.10.12
Safe Here
this is a song called "safe here" that i wrote in 2011 and just recorded today with my phone. not the best sound quality - but fun. the song is copyrighted to me.
click the box to listen :)
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