music man

had a moment the other night at an open mic in flagstaff. i had already been on stage to play my songs - felt really good about it actually...no jitters this time - and the next act took the stage. i was getting a drink when they were setting up (thanks to the folks at mia's for giving me free drinks for playing!) so i did not see them before they started to play.

acoustic guitar. cello baseline. djembe.

world beats. mellow base. eclectic lyrics.

i was instantly transported. my mind went on time travel to a time in my past. i could smell the smoke, hear the people talking softly below me, feel the cool of the mic in my hand. if i opened my eyes i was sure i could look over and see garrett standing next to me, barefoot, mildly disheveled, and strumming his well-loved guitar. i'd see bennett perched on a chair, beanie on his head, cradling the djembe between his knees. i'd see emily, tall and willowy in her unique thrift store dress, her long hair swaying as she played her trombone. my heart warmed at these thoughts and i felt grateful to this trio for bringing them back to me.

i loved being a member of acoustic wave machine, the strange and folksy hippie band i joined when i lived in washington. i ended up in it totally on accident. i was out one day on my bike and ran into one of my students. she must have picked up on my reputation for being the crazy hippie environmentalist RED because she let me know that there was an earth day festival down the hill in one of the parks. i rode down to check it out.

garrett was playing when i got there. he was up there with three other guys playing the mandolin, banjo and djembe. the songs were interesting - political, environmental, witty and unique. the guitar riffs were lively and the four of them seemed to fit well. it all seemed to work, but i had a hard time listening anyhow. as brilliant a guitarist and lyricist garrett was, he was no singer. he could carry a tune, but one would never classify him as a singer.

the crew ended up their set and joined the crowd to watch the next group up. they ended up walking through the crowd of people lounging on the grass and sat right next to me. now i will say that most of you know me as the person who will literally talk to anyone. i'll chat people up in the supermarket, the bar, the line for the ladies' room, the gym. but this was over 6 years ago and i had not really gotten over my fear that in talking to people they would not push me into a locker or try and stick my head in a toilet. ok, that's a bit drastic. at this point i was more just worried that people would not want to talk to me, so when i turned to these three guys and said something it was a big step for me.

when i tossed the comment "you guys sound great" in their direction it was garrett who replied. "thanks - too bad i can't sing." i had to smile - at least the guy understood his limitations. often people think they are far more vocally talented than they actually are. we see it all the time on american idol - those are not the only people who harbor such illusions - just the ones who make it public. his casual comment about his voice led to great conversation about voice training, vocal exercises and the like. in the end he told me that he wanted to put together a project. apparently the guys he was playing with were not his band. then he tossed in a comment about his vision.

he wanted to front the project with a female vocalist. and he wanted to know if i knew of any.

awesome.

i'll say before i go on with the story that i am seriously impressed with a man who wants a woman to sing his songs. music is pretty much a male-dominated industry. please don't regale me with stories of britney or jewel or madonna or the runaways. i know that there are lots of women in music, but for every woman who is out there as a musician there have to be about ten men. this open mic night i was at is a prime example. in four hours i was the only female to get up there. i guess men are more comfortable taking that kind of risk - it does involve a level of ego that not very many people have. the willingness to think that someone else might want to listen to you.

clearly i have this level of ego - not only do i go to open mic nights...i write this blog.

anyway from this point on garrett earned his way onto my list of top male allies along with brad, dave, francis and my father.

my friend monique was terrified that in going to garrett's for an audition i was signing up to be raped and murdered in some strange man's house. i guess coming from detroit she has good reason to be wary. i guess that even today i enter these situations with a kind of naivete that can be positive but potentially dangerous. in the end she could not convince me to cancel or bring someone with her, but she did get me to sign on to calling her when i got there and taking her phone call 15 minutes later.

by the time i got there i realized she had put her fear into me. i stood at the door for about 10 minutes trying to decide if i should knock.

i really have no clue what i was worried about.

the house was open and naturally lit with hardwood floors covered in worn oriental rugs. the walls were painted with murals and the houseplants were so overgrown that they crisscrossed the ceiling giving me the impression that i was outside. the first thing garrett did was introduce me to his dog cami and cat cleo.

yea, not so much of an axe murderer.

we played covers so he could get a feel for my voice and what i could do. it was a lot of fun. his roommate came in and played on the djembe (that was how i met derek, but that is another story entirely). eventually he told me that he liked what i could do and wanted to play me a recording of one of his songs to see if i could learn it. the woman in the recording was amazing. even to this day i can recall listening to her and thinking there was no way in hell i could do what she could with her voice. i sang along however and garrett seemed pleased.

he invited me to come back next week to meet the rest of the band.

the meeting was great - we jammed and worked on a couple of garrett's songs. everyone was very complimentary and i had a great time.

they invited me to come back next week to play.

and that is how it went for a year. each week we would get together and play and i was told it was great and would i come back next week. we played gigs in parks and coffee shops and bars. each gig we would play and i was told it was great and would i come back next week.

there was never any confirmation i was IN the band. just that. i asked garrett once and he just laughed.

it was an amazing experience that i will always cherish. i learned to be bolder and more willing to take risks. in getting up on stage and singing to people i learned to put myself out there, to talk to the crowd and be comfortable and to connect with others. i found that in projecting my physical voice that i was able to project my energy, my emotion, my mind - i was able to put myself into the world in ways i had never tried. those lessons carried over into my time at aspen, in new zealand, and now as i attend open mic nights, apply for jobs, and seek reentry to graduate school. i am more comfortable with myself - stronger and more confident.

when i left idaho i missed it. i missed the comraderie, the excitement, and most of all, i missed the music. i spent time being miserable about it - i drove back to moscow to play gigs, i felt jealous when they got a new gal to sing in the group. i thought i'd just have to give it all up.

then i remembered those lessons.

i taught myself to play guitar two years ago. it was incredible to be able to accompany myself and i started writing songs. i found that in doing so i took on even more of that confidence. i suppose that is what allows me to get up at open mic nights to play. sitting there in the bar in flagstaff i had to smile at where i've come from and where i hope to go.

thanks brother.