make new friends

when i moved to corvallis i already knew people.  of course, three weeks after i got here my best friend left for seattle (damn you gana!!!), but i was able to get here and have some wonderful folks with whom i can hang out, get a beer, and invite to a party.  i've always moved to places where i had insta-friends (just add water...or booze), residence life jobs - wilderness, so when i came here i was grateful to at least have a jump start to living in a new place where one might expect me to put on my big girl pants and actually meet people. 

i don't think of myself as the person who has put painstaking hours into learning how to be social.  in my mind i am still the nervous girl who does not make eye contact and has completely no idea how to strike up a conversation.  in some ways i still am that girl.  i try to rely on others to drive the conversation, grasping at ideas for questions to keep things going.  i live in awe of my roommate emily who can literally keep anyone talking.  her innate curiosity and complete interest in what people have to say is remarkable to say the least.  i want to be that person.  right now i am just not. 

now i am not saying that i can't hang in there and be social.  i can.  i absolutely love hearing what people are passionate about, especially when it is something about which i know nothing.  i spent over an hour the other day listening to a guy tell me all about what it takes to manage a watershed.  coming to corvallis has been very good for me in taking the communication skills i learned working at aspen into the real world where i can use them outside the therapeutic realm.  when i left college i used to joke that i needed an orientation counselor for my life - someone who would do icebreakers and ask all the questions in hopes of connection.  nine years later i think perhaps i've integrated that person into who i am. 

here's the thing about making friends.  it is not just about being social.  as i was talking about in my last post, there are so many different levels of what we call 'friendship' that i am thinking about starting up my own language around the matter.  we call someone a 'friend' just because they clicked a button and started 'liking' our status updates.  we have no language that delineates the difference between my relationship with my friend amanda whom i have known for thirteen years and share everything, and the person i met down at block 15 over a beer and would say hi to if i saw them again on the street.  being social gets me the latter kind of friends - i have to do much much more in order to get the former.

now friends like amanda don't come along that often.  i'd say i only get one per place i've lived, with the exception of noho where i got none because spent most of my time in the bottle and on the dance floor at the club.  in this sense i am talking the say anything, complete trust, stand up at my wedding (were i to be lucky enough to have one), kind of friend.  perhaps one might call this a soul mate - but even that does not really explain what these people mean to me.  i count myself very fortunate to even have these people in my life - especially knowing how poor my friend-making skills have been in times when i met some of them. 

living in a new place makes me miss these connections.  i crave the space in which i can sit with a person, express myself the way i need, and feel totally safe and comfortable doing it.  this is not to say i am not willing to share personal things with others, but that when i do so i have a worry inside that what i am saying is making me vulnerable.  the hurt, bullied, teenage girl that generally sleeps quietly inside of me starts to panic when i go there with people who are new to me.  incidentally she also starts to freak out when i am about to publish serious personal thoughts on my blog - go figure.  i am not saying that i don't share personal things with people i don't know, just that it feels to me like taking a risk when i do so.  when i do share personal things with people where i feel uncomfortable it is because i feel the person will be kind to me and is trustworthy. 

that said, i have realized that going really deeply with someone really quickly does not lead to the automatic creation of the kind of safe relationship i am looking for.  it may be a step in that direction though.  if i take the risk and move beyond surface conversations, and the person i converse with takes care with the things i say, i will feel more comfortable with them in the future.  of course, i still think it best when i am getting to know someone to hold back some.  otherwise i get the mental/emotional friend equivalent of having sex on the first date.  needs might get met in the moment, but i've moved way too far out beyond the safety net.  in the end i will regret it.  there needs to be a balance - a place in between full exposure and total closure that allows one to connect and to grow something without doing harm.  balance...something i have never been good at!

so that leaves me here in corvallis still, learning how to be a person who connects in healthy ways that will fulfill myself and the person with whom i connect.  in the past weeks i have been having more and more experiences where i feel i am striking that balance.  for me that is heartening.  who knows if my time here will lead to an amanda or josh or jen, but i hope it does.  oh, and of course this inevitably leads me to think about dating - but that should probably be another post should it not?

if you are reading this, and you have gotten all the way to the end of my lengthy ramble, i say thank you for taking the time, and for taking care of my words and thoughts.