redemption songs

not too long ago i decided it would be a good idea to put all of the songs i'd written in one place.  up until now they've existed in my head and on a ridiculous looking pile of crumbled and stained reclaimed papers that are taking up a lot of space.  some of them have changed since i've written them.  a couple of them are gone.

so i bought a really pretty notebook and started copying them down.  it was a really interesting experience.  every song has a story, and every story comes from a place of emotion, experience, and energy.  writing them all down brought these back to me as clearly as reliving them. 

i stood on the mesa where i watched the sunrise that inspired 'cowboy.' 

i saw the view from my fetal crouch on the futon in moab, feeling the pain of a terrible breakup in my chest and throat as the words for 'healing song' trickled through my brain. 

i sat halfway up the tuk looking out over the canyonlands belting out the chorus to 'i call your name.'

i listened to the elk and the rattling of the aspen leaves as i composed 'a better dream.'

i laughed with my single-serving hostel friends as i test drove verses for 'protest song.'

there are times when i feel like songwriting and performing are narcissistic exercises.  in order to share the music i write, i need to believe that people will actually want to hear it.  i need to know that what i do is good enough to put out into the audio universe with the conviction that others should listen and will enjoy.  this can be a hard one for me, especially when the songs sit close to my heart.  i wonder why someone would even care to know what i am thinking or feeling - especially when out for a beer or cup of coffee and conversation.  then again, when i think of the songs i like best, they are usually ones that have some kind of personal meaning to the artist.  i love music that conveys something lying close to the core of the person performing it. 

since moving to corvallis i've doubled the number of songs i've written.  actually, i've doubled them in the past 2.5 months.  i find this impressive considering that i've been writing songs for 4 years.  i am not sure what it is about the now that leaves me tapping out new tunes, but i am going with it.  i feel more confident than ever with the guitar, and i am eager to start working on a stage presence.  when i first starting singing with acoustic wave machine i was scared shitless to be on stage.  i knew i had the pipes, and i'd been performing since i was very young, but this was an entirely different animal.  there is a world between singing in the school musical and getting up behind the mic at a downtown bar.  it was SCARY to be up there.  i felt naked and exposed even when no one was looking up at us while we played.  garrett and bennett kept telling me i had to talk to the audience.  it took a year and a pre-show beer, but i got there eventually. 

now that i have the guitar in front of me i feel like i am starting back at square one.  my insecurity about screwing up while playing, along with the fact that i am still finding my voice, makes it tougher for me to get comfortable.  i played a 15 minute set at could 9 a week ago and though i worked hard to keep my eyes open, i did not actually look at the audience.  had i done so i don't think i would have been able to play.  it's not stage fright so much as anxiety.  if i let the anxiety in then i am going to flub the song and i will get even more nervous.  my goal is to work on that - to connect with the people i am playing for and share myself with them.  right now all i am sharing is the music.  i need to get to both in order to be the performer i want to be.

regardless of any struggles, i am really proud of where i have come as a musician.  when i moved to utah and left awm i thought that perhaps that was the end of my stint as a stage performer.  a year in i realized i missed it so badly that i starting working toward learning guitar.  i am so grateful to my friend jim for leaving his acoustic with me for the summer back in 2008.  i did not want to purchase a guitar unless i knew i was going to play it.  those three months i spent picking out the chords to phish's 'dirt' were tough and rewarding.  i still play that song from time to time as a point of nostalgia.  when i reunited with bennett at the string summit this year i told him that initially i regretted leaving idaho and the band, but now i realize that if i hadn't i would still only be a vocalist.  not that this is a bad thing, but i love being able to identify as a singer-songwriter.  i love the feel of the guitar strings under my fingers and i am proud of my callouses.  just another reminder that the things we think are no good often just have to be turned on their ear and they are exactly what we need.

the other day my roommate brian told me that he was putzing around the house singing a song over and over, and then realized that the song was one of mine.  i also was invited to play again at cloud 9 - this time for a 30 minute set.  though certainly i am nowhere near being some kind of accomplished musician (and i am not even sure that is my goal), i count myself lucky to be able to share myself and my music.  i am pleased that people enjoy it, and feel excited that i get positive feedback.  i am looking forward to where this journey takes me next.