competition

i live about a 10 minute walk from a beautiful and interesting disc golf course, and have been out and about on it several times in the past couple of months.  on my most recent jaunt i headed out with a friend who, after we had bombed the first hole, asked me how i kept score.  his face looked kind of confused when i stated that i did not actually keep track of score when i played, but just went out for the chance to play, be outside, exercise my dog, and do something that challenges me.

"but, how do you know who wins?"  he asked.  "what's the point?"

i was concerned in that moment that this first hole might be the only one we played.  i had no interest in competing with my friend, and he believed that in order to play a game there must be a winner and a loser.  i asked him whether or not he knew his best score from the course (he did), and suggested that perhaps he compete with himself rather than with me.  we were able to continue on after that, both of us getting what we started out to do...kind of.  i could tell that regardless of my not keeping score, that my friend was doing the tally in his head.  i doubt that we will go out on the course together again. 

i thought about it afterward - why did i not just roll with his need for it to be a competition?  i used to keep track of score when i went to the course in utah. what had changed. the first time i'd been out to the course here in corvallis i was with a different friend who did not keep score. i'd not kept score since then.  maybe i was simply following the norm that friend set?  but, then again, i just joined an indoor soccer team here in town, and we got creamed my first game out.  i walked away fully satisfied regardless - all i wanted to do was play.  i did not really care who won or lost.

i used to be so competitive - what happened?

i used to hate losing.  i made everything into a competition - and i mean everything.  cooking, driving, hiking, school, talking, intelligence, being funny - my daily life was laid out as a landscape of things at which i could beat people.  if i did not have others to compete with, i created little games in my head where i could compete with myself.  it was fun.  it made me more productive.  it passed the time.

plus it could mean i was better than you - and this helped my flagging self confidence.

but now...not so much.  i used to get such pleasure in rising above the rest, being the best - winning - at whatever i was doing.  these days my focus is different.  i spend more time doing things that are collaborative.  i prefer to have team harmony and cooperation rather than being the standout individual.  i want everyone to grow, play, learn, have fun.  when i have some means to compare my current self to my past self i am looking for self-improvement as celebration rather than beating a personal best.

so i wonder - where does competition come from?  my mind first goes to biology and the need to meet basic needs and procreate.  humans do that - we amass wealth and resources to ensure our physical survival, and strive to groom ourselves to be the most beautiful so we can find a mate.  instinct is a powerful thing.  i often see the ways in which it affects humans most when i look at children, who have had less time to be socialized to behave in certain ways.  when children are left to their own devices they also create competitive situations.  children compete with one another without even knowing why.  just watch a group of them on the playground create a pecking order, or play a game, and you can see this happening.  recently i was in the park and watched a young girl pick up a bunch of fall leaves.  she picked up more than her sister, and proclaimed to her mother, "i won!'  'what does that mean?' her mother asked.  the look on the little girl's silent face told me she had no clue. 

now i am not saying that competition is not also something we learn.  i think that the urge to compete has been transformed in the human world into something different than just feeding, protecting, and having sex.  sports and games are prime examples.  although some might beg to differ, the eagles/pats game that is on the tv next to me right now is not a matter of survival.  that said, people develop an emotional connection to competition that is deep enough that for some, it feels like it.  i remember feeling like someone had died after losing a state semifinals game in high school.  the sense and quality of the emotion was so much deeper than even i could explain.

i wonder then, what it means that i no longer feel as competitive?  i would say that perhaps this is linked to feeling secure and therefore not having the instinctual need to compete, but my life seems contrary to that.  even when i was struggling last year with unemployment and homelessness i did not feel a competitive nature arise.  i'm single, and though i have interest in finding a mate, i don't really feel that it is something i need to compete for.  the more time that passes in my life the less competition is important to me.  i am not the only one to express this.  so many people i know have stated that they have become less and less competitive as they aged.  i've heard it in the climbing community and in team sports particularly, which makes sense considering these are competitive areas to begin with.

so i wonder - if competition is part of primitive instinct, and over time people tend to be less competitive (my own observations of course - no data), does this mean that maturation eliminates competition?  i do see a great amount of immaturity within competitive arenas -football victory dances and political mudslinging immediately come to mind.  and if that's so, is there such a thing as competition that is completely adult?

yeah...so that's what i have been thinking about...and now that i have taken you with me to the brink, i'm done.