on healing...

after 10 months of stalking people and a fair amount of begging, i've finally landed a spot on a soccer team at the sports park here in corvallis.  i've not played soccer since i slogged around the pitch during college, so i was really excited when i had my first game this weekend.  i only knew 2 people on the team, and we got our asses handed to us, but it was just so good to be playing again that i could have cared less.  i am unsure why i let that part of me (yep, the soccer part of me) fall by the wayside so easily.  initially i think it was all the weight i put on in college, and then later, living in utah, the lack of availability of a league to join.  regardless, when i stepped onto the pitch yesterday it was my first game in 10 years - totally rad.

of course every action has an equal and opposite reaction (or so they say and i am generally inclined to agree), and i today i woke up feeling very much like i'd been rolled over by some kind of large vehicle.  everything - and i do mean everything - hurt.  my body is most definitely not accustomed to high impact exercise.

now i am not saying this to complain.  quite the opposite actually.  the lactic acid buildup in my muscles, the stiffness in my joints - these are things that remind me that: a) i am alive; and b) i get to participate in activities that i love.  there is no bad there.  even the turf burns that are swollen on my knees like wobbly golf balls indicate that: a) i am still a klutz, and thus continue to be able to laugh at myself; and b) i played as hard as i could. 

the one thing that did however toss me for a loop (or more realistically, got my attention a bit more than the soreness), was that two old injuries reared their ugly heads, causing swelling and stiffness that i did not anticipate.  ok, i did anticipate that my ankle would be stiff after being jostled around on the turf and subjected to my instep drive, but i did not think that my torn rotator cuff would be angry as well.  both were cranky and lacked in range of motion despite years and years of rest, yoga, and physical therapy. 

the shoulder was very surprising.  it has been five and a half years since i, like a dumbass, rode my bicycle into a tree jed bartlet style and tore the whole thing open.  despite not having health insurance, i was able to work with my dad on physical therapy, and beyond occasionally tweaking it in a climbing shock-load, it's been pretty silent.  the ankle, a backcountry mishap while at work at aspen, happened a little over three years ago.  the doctor was shocked when he discovered that it was not broken.  it was close to black from bruising, and the swelling was so bad that my leg was one diameter from mid-calf through the top of my foot.  i suppose that with all of that scar tissue it makes sense that i'll be feeling that baby for some time to come.

as i altered poses in my yoga class in order to accommodate my cantankerous joints, i thought about what it takes to fully heal from something.  healing is hard.  when something breaks in the body - goes the way it should not, fractures, bends, tears - one can be pretty sure that a 100% recovery is impossible.  even the smallest of cuts leave scars.  doctors can see where bones have healed, scar tissue limits range of motion, people lose hearing, eyesight, the use of limbs...damage to the body leaves a lasting impact. 

the day after i was evacuated from the field with what we were sure was a broken ankle, the man i had been involved with for years told me he'd met someone else, and left me in an incredibly cruel way.  sitting in therapy a week later, unable to walk and heartbroken, i was able to see that the healing of my body would mirror the healing of my heart.  i'm really good at healing the body (well apparently not considering my stiff joints), or at least i know what goes into healing.  as a lifelong athlete i've had my fair share of sprains, strains, and dislocations.  i understood that time, rest, patience, and care would eventually lead me to be well again.  i decided i would apply this kind of healing to the pain of what had just happened to me. 

as metaphors go, this one is pretty damn good if you ask me.  not only can we heal our emotional wounds by applying the same methods as we do to physical ones, they also resurface at times when we least expect it.  not unlike my stiff ankle and shoulder, some of the hurts and pains of my life have come up recently.  a year after being offered the job here at oregon state, i am starting to work through some of the things that happened during 2010, and even some of the start of 2011.  i am remembering the pain and shame of experiences i had while trying to pay bills, make ends meet, and survive living in my car in the cold.  recently i've been waking up not knowing where i am, or being surprised i am in a bed.  when i drove to idaho i felt paranoid about traveling without water, food, and a sleeping bag in my car.  these things, just like the soreness of old injuries, came up when i did not expect them. 

so what to do?  well with the ankle and shoulder i am gonna r.i.c.e. that shit, change up my yoga routine, and probably tape the ankle before the next game.  but the rest...well i suppose these things will start to settle out with time.  i know that talking at the faces of homelessness panel helped me to put words to feelings and events that i'd kept in for the most part.  having those honored in a public forum helped.  i also have spent a good amount of time meditating.  in meditation one can start to untie the knots that are formed in one's psyche.  the problem is that, just like physical therapy, it hurts.  also the act of opening oneself up to the untying only surfaces more knots.  this can be exhausting, and i am often tempted to just stop and block it all up again.  sometimes there is just too much.  i noted to a friend tonight that there are times when it seems that living life is synonymous with getting hurt.

of course i don't actually believe that. 

today i wrote a new song.  i am very proud of it both because the guitar part is beautiful and i am very excited that i am able to play it, and because it represents another form of healing.  i spent a great amount of time looking at my most recent relationship - what was good, what went wrong, and what i'd like it to become - and i put it into music.  writing it was beautiful and painful.  when it was done i played it through a number of times as if the singing of the song would somehow draw out the pain and leave me without the stiffness of emotional scar tissue.  after running through it more times than i can count, i realized that though the song is for one person in particular, it applies to the lot of my relationships.  music - another way to untie the knots.

i will say though that despite all of these attempts to heal, there will always be a part of me that is altered by my experiences.  just like the scar on my thumb from when i took a knife through it to the bone, the creaking in my knee from the torn meniscus, or the stiffness in my joints after a soccer game, the emotional injuries will push me to be a slightly different person.  i don't think that this is necessarily a bad thing.  having reminders of past injuries can help us to avoid new ones.  the trick is not to let them box us in.  just because i almost broke my ankle does not mean i should not play soccer now, just as having been through a bad breakup does not mean i should not look for someone to love.  that said, the scars can serve as reminders of things we don't want to relive.  they make us wiser.  if we honor these experiences we learn from them and become stronger people.

i guess this means i have to honor my cranky shoulder - shit.