good for a...

'wow - you are so good!'

yes, yes, i am totally ok with having my ego stroked, but there are times when this statement kind of irks me.  prime example - this past weekend whilst i was in bend, or.  i am doing a 60 day bikram's yoga challenge, and thus went to classes at the studio there.  i like going to other studios - see how they look, run, feel.  it's nice to walk into a place and feel like i already have some semblance of what is going on.

but back to my ire.

the issue i take here is one that i experience myself, and also see it happen to other people - especially women.  remember i wrote a while back about the yoga all-stars?  well the bend studio is PACKED with them.  i was by far the person in the room who looked the least fit.  this led to said compliments.  'wow - you are so good,' is tinged with a hint of surprise, and should be followed by 'for someone who looks like you.'

the implication being that someone who does not have the perfect yoga body is not expected to be able to put forehead to knee in dandyamana - janushirasina (i can often), see their knee (not foot, but knee) over the top of their head in dandyamana - danurasana (on the right side at least), or do a back bend in which their arms have gone below parallel to the floor (yep - do that too).  i have been practicing hard for a year, and am generally strong and coordinated.  it follows that i'd be able to do some of these things.  now i am not saying that i am perfect in there.  i struggle with many poses, and my incessant soccer playing (and soccer injuring) keeps me from getting as far along as i'd like.  but yes, people, the 'fat girl' in class...she's got game.

i put quotes around the words 'fat girl' because i am quite literally quoting a statement made about me a while back.  a group of women covered in letters from one of the local sororities (i will spare them the embarrassment of sharing it here) came in for a first class.  there were only three other students in the class, and we were asked to stand in front of them so our practice would demonstrate the postures.  when i leaned back for my first back bend i was looking the gal two lines behind me squarely in the eye.  at the end of the night these women were standing in the parking lot talking while i walked to my car.  this is the exchange i overheard:

'oh my god.  the fat girl in the front row was soooo good.'

'you mean the cute one with the pigtails and the nose ring? yeah she was awesome.'

that night the other two practitioners with me were a tall blond woman with a pixie cut, and an elderly gentleman.  clearly they were talking about me.

this attitude does not stop at the edges of the yoga studio.  i was talking with one of my students the other day about cycling.  i mentioned that i used to race, and his response seemed curious.  he said, 'oh...i would not have thought that from looking at you.'  when i asked him what he meant by that, he got very quiet and just apologized for the statement.  the truth is that we don't think of people who are heavier than the sexualized, idealized, media-created body as active, athletic, or able.  when i do perform well athletically, or talk to someone about things i have done in the past, their overenthusiastic statements often end up sounding more like a condescending pat on the head rather than kindness.

also, i am not fat.  i am even below average for women in america.  i am in some of the best shape of my adult life.  i think the only time i have been more physically fit is when i was cycle touring new zealand (riding a bike nearly 2000 miles will do that to you).  so sure, i don't walk into the yoga studio in a sports bra and tiny shorts, but my blood pressure is low, i can run 6 miles easily, i can touch my palms to the ground and bend my elbows with my legs straight.  i am an athlete.  i am in shape.  these subtle (or not so subtle) hints that i should not be able to do these things, or that it is surprising that i can, make me angry.

i am sure that the people who gave me these compliments this past weekend meant well.  i am sure they wanted to be encouraging and kind.  i am sure they thought it would make me feel good to have someone praise my postures.  i am sure they did not mean to send me this message.

intent and impact can be so different sometimes.