so not a new years resolution

it was december 20-something (post christmas), and i was walking home from the coop with summdogs, carting solid poundage as quickly as i could to stay warm.  i really enjoy backpacking trips to get groceries. besides my one excursion with my cousin, they have been the only times i've strapped a loaded pack to my back since i trekked out of the utah desert.  i enjoy the pressure of the belt on my hips, and the way that my back heats up where the pack touches it.  i like feeling the weight in my legs and on my shoulders.

i suppose you could call me a backpacker - that would be fair.

i am a goal setter...i think professionally at this point.  at least if i were to get paid for each goal that i set, even pocket change, i think i would be able to retire by the time i turned 40 (of course, when i think about that i realize it's a good thing that i don't get paid for setting goals...i think i would get bored pretty quickly were i to retire).  small, medium, large - it matters not at all to me.  i set goals about cleaning my house, and walking my dog, and doing my job, and writing my blog.  of course, i also set bigger, broader goals that encompass living intentionally, being healthier, and being more open.  i like goals.  they help me to move forward and to chart my progress.  goals work for me.

so of course one would think that if i were such a fan of goals that i would be a fan of the new years resolution.  this tradition is just that - setting a goal for the year.  combine that with the symbolism of starting a fresh new year (i love symbols AND fresh starts), and you'd think i would be all over that resolution thing.

so this takes me back to the sidewalk along highway 99 as i trekked home with my big bag full of kombucha and kale.  i had been looking for a plan for ringing in the new year.  i'd missed the boat on winter solstice (which is think is WAY cooler than new years by the way), and i wanted to plan something that would be interesting and meaningful to me as 2012 started up.  i had been invited to a couple of parties, and i also had half a mind to stay home and drink tea.  that said, none of these options seemed exactly what i wanted.  i thought back to other new years i'd had, and i realized that the best ones were those in which i was doing just what i was doing at that moment - backpacking.  whether in the field at aspen, or doing a hut to hut in glacier park, i have to say that the best new years were less about when midnight struck, and more about being where i felt alive and ready for new beginnings.

of course i had to go to the backcountry.

so i had my goal.  plan a wilderness trip for new years.  i knew i could get my friend jesse in on it for sure - he's always looking for some time in the woods.  i imagined sitting by the fire in the snow, sipping some whiskey and perhaps burning some sage.  the thought of sage of course took me to the idea that perhaps i should engage in some kind of ceremony while i was out there.  perhaps i would write all of the things i wanted to leave behind on pieces of paper and burn them, or smudge and imagine the things i want coming to me.

i thought about the things that had happened in the past year.  one year ago i had been driving my car from new york to utah to spend new years with jason in salt lake city.  i was so sick at the time that i could not sit up in the car for longer than 6 hours.  my voice was gone, and because i had no health insurance, i'd not gotten antibiotics for the pulmonary infection i had until my aunt's doctor friend in chicago graciously wrote me a prescription.  even a year later i can feel the scar tissue on my vocal cords - not what one likes as a singer.  that said, i had just been offered a job at oregon state university running a program that helped students in poverty.  after a hard year that included underemployment, unemployment, homelessness, hunger, sickness, and heartbreak, bronchitis seemed to be a small bump in the road.

the year that followed was intense with both joy and sorrow (they are lovers after all).  walking down the street in corvallis 365 days later, i felt poised to start the time ahead of me with hope and intention.  i thought that perhaps if i were to spend ceremonial time at my new years fire that it would be best to look forward, and leave the past behind.

so goals...

as i ruminated on the goals i might want to set for myself, i realized that i could not remember a single time where i had made a new years resolution.  i thought back as far as i could remember, wondering how i could have made it through 31 years without a memory of setting such a goal.  i am not sure why, but either i made resolutions that were forgettable or lacking in impact, OR i did not make any at all.  my inclination is to say that this probably had to do with my unwillingness to do things because they are traditional or 'what people do,' but i do not think that my oppositionally defiant ways are to blame.  i think it is because i already set so many goals that the idea of a new years resolution seems moot.  i decided that perhaps i would keep with my tradition of being irresolute.

maybe that was my resolution...who knows?


my time in the backcountry over new years was truly amazing.  i got my fire in the snow with a good friend and some whiskey.  i threw in some dark chocolate with blueberries, hazelnut rice crackers, and smoky bleu cheese as well.  we had no watches, no cell reception - we sat and talked and watched the stars until we felt tired and decided that the new year was rung.  after that, this insomniac curled up in a pair of cozy sleeping bags and slept all night long without waking or dreaming.  the next two days included more of the same.

i did make some goals going into 2012 (how could i not really?).  they are broad, and include things like increasing my wellness, deepening relationships, and making choices that serve me and those i love.  i breathed them out with clouds of steamy breath into the chilly air along the deschutes.  i whispered them to the waterfalls, and drank them in with hot coffee.  i closed my eyes to the sunshine and let them penetrate my eyelids with warmth.  i saw them in the smiling face of my dog.

since my new years experience there has been tremendous movement in my life on so many levels.  but, that's a whole other post don't you think?