went out last night to the depot to see a couple of guys from austin texas perform electronic rock to the most amazing laser lights show i've seen. i stood on the dance floor dodging elbows to the nose (i always end up behind a really tall, dancing, man) allowing my heart to tremble with the bass. it was a lot of fun - well done ghostland observatory.
then i headed out to fat's grill to see my friend jesse playing blues music. we got there late in the third set. it was rowdy and loud and we continued our evening of dancing. not too bad for a night out in salt lake city.
my fiend jesse is a really incredible pianist. i watched him playing and i felt awed and amazed. i also found myself being a bit jealous. i've always thought it would be cool to learn to play the piano. my mom offered to get one when i was a kid so that i could take lessons. we had a family friend who was a concert pianist. he too was amazing to listen to. in the end we realized that we did not have space in the house for a piano. after a few years i ended up taking on the clarinet, and two years ago i started in with the guitar. certainly i got my instrumental kicks elsewhere.
i almost feel guilty when i am jealous of the musical abilities of others. i have many incredibly musically inclined people in my life - garret and the guitar, jesse and the piano, lynsey and the violin. i feel guilty because i think that perhaps i should not be jealous - i understand that i have something as well...my voice.
when i think about this i start to wonder about the difference between talent and a gift. see, i know that i have been given a gift. i never learned how to sing - i just knew. i was able to mimic the sounds i heard on the radio, from others, in the world around me. i have not cultivated it, studied it, worked it like the people around me who may also have gifts, but also have talent. i think of talent as something one creates...they harness the innate ability they have within themselves and turn it into something extraordinary. when i think about what it took my friends to get where they are i find it so humbling.
and i feel grateful for my gift. i feel grateful that people appreciate it and that i can share it with others. i feel humbled because i did nothing to earn it and nothing to create it. regardless i get to benefit from it. i guess that means that my friends who worked to cultivate their talents should be jealous of me, but i think it must be great to be able to look at their accomplishments and feel that they earned it. their hard work and care and time has led them to do amazing things.
i suppose we can all be grateful - and make amazing music together.
20.11.10
12.11.10
the bunny suicides
drove from moab to loa last night via 24. not my preferred way to go, but with the cold, ice, snow, and wayward deer in the road i decided to take the longer route. it was a gorgeous night. as i rolled up 191 to 70 i could see the cheshire-cat smile of the moon huge and orange as it dipped toward the clifftops. i plugged in my ipod and sang my heart out as i cruised along into the desert night.
however there was danger lurking around every corner.
not danger for me. no, i was safely belted into my tank-like german sedan with anti-lock brakes and dual side airbags. the danger lay outside the car in the road dodging in and out of the sagebrush.
bunnies.
at first i was not bothered by them...
then there were a LOT. when i mean a LOT i will say that by the time i got around to counting the little fluffers running around the road under the wheels of my car (about halfway through a 2.5 hour drive) i got to two casualties and twenty near misses.
if you don't already know, when bunnies feel threatened they run away and weave back and forth at the same time. effective if you are trying to get away from a fox or coyote, but for a car...yeah...not so much.
it was like playing frogger in reverse...with bunnies
in the end i managed only to kill 2 of them, but that took some very calculated swerving and slowing. i will say for all of the ridiculousness it did pass the drive time AND summit was totally engaged.
kamikaze bunnies...go figure.
ps - the comics i put into this blog are by an artist named andy riley who totally shares my sense of humor.
22.10.10
music man
had a moment the other night at an open mic in flagstaff. i had already been on stage to play my songs - felt really good about it actually...no jitters this time - and the next act took the stage. i was getting a drink when they were setting up (thanks to the folks at mia's for giving me free drinks for playing!) so i did not see them before they started to play.
acoustic guitar. cello baseline. djembe.
world beats. mellow base. eclectic lyrics.
i was instantly transported. my mind went on time travel to a time in my past. i could smell the smoke, hear the people talking softly below me, feel the cool of the mic in my hand. if i opened my eyes i was sure i could look over and see garrett standing next to me, barefoot, mildly disheveled, and strumming his well-loved guitar. i'd see bennett perched on a chair, beanie on his head, cradling the djembe between his knees. i'd see emily, tall and willowy in her unique thrift store dress, her long hair swaying as she played her trombone. my heart warmed at these thoughts and i felt grateful to this trio for bringing them back to me.
i loved being a member of acoustic wave machine, the strange and folksy hippie band i joined when i lived in washington. i ended up in it totally on accident. i was out one day on my bike and ran into one of my students. she must have picked up on my reputation for being the crazy hippie environmentalist RED because she let me know that there was an earth day festival down the hill in one of the parks. i rode down to check it out.
garrett was playing when i got there. he was up there with three other guys playing the mandolin, banjo and djembe. the songs were interesting - political, environmental, witty and unique. the guitar riffs were lively and the four of them seemed to fit well. it all seemed to work, but i had a hard time listening anyhow. as brilliant a guitarist and lyricist garrett was, he was no singer. he could carry a tune, but one would never classify him as a singer.
the crew ended up their set and joined the crowd to watch the next group up. they ended up walking through the crowd of people lounging on the grass and sat right next to me. now i will say that most of you know me as the person who will literally talk to anyone. i'll chat people up in the supermarket, the bar, the line for the ladies' room, the gym. but this was over 6 years ago and i had not really gotten over my fear that in talking to people they would not push me into a locker or try and stick my head in a toilet. ok, that's a bit drastic. at this point i was more just worried that people would not want to talk to me, so when i turned to these three guys and said something it was a big step for me.
when i tossed the comment "you guys sound great" in their direction it was garrett who replied. "thanks - too bad i can't sing." i had to smile - at least the guy understood his limitations. often people think they are far more vocally talented than they actually are. we see it all the time on american idol - those are not the only people who harbor such illusions - just the ones who make it public. his casual comment about his voice led to great conversation about voice training, vocal exercises and the like. in the end he told me that he wanted to put together a project. apparently the guys he was playing with were not his band. then he tossed in a comment about his vision.
he wanted to front the project with a female vocalist. and he wanted to know if i knew of any.
awesome.
i'll say before i go on with the story that i am seriously impressed with a man who wants a woman to sing his songs. music is pretty much a male-dominated industry. please don't regale me with stories of britney or jewel or madonna or the runaways. i know that there are lots of women in music, but for every woman who is out there as a musician there have to be about ten men. this open mic night i was at is a prime example. in four hours i was the only female to get up there. i guess men are more comfortable taking that kind of risk - it does involve a level of ego that not very many people have. the willingness to think that someone else might want to listen to you.
clearly i have this level of ego - not only do i go to open mic nights...i write this blog.
anyway from this point on garrett earned his way onto my list of top male allies along with brad, dave, francis and my father.
my friend monique was terrified that in going to garrett's for an audition i was signing up to be raped and murdered in some strange man's house. i guess coming from detroit she has good reason to be wary. i guess that even today i enter these situations with a kind of naivete that can be positive but potentially dangerous. in the end she could not convince me to cancel or bring someone with her, but she did get me to sign on to calling her when i got there and taking her phone call 15 minutes later.
by the time i got there i realized she had put her fear into me. i stood at the door for about 10 minutes trying to decide if i should knock.
i really have no clue what i was worried about.
the house was open and naturally lit with hardwood floors covered in worn oriental rugs. the walls were painted with murals and the houseplants were so overgrown that they crisscrossed the ceiling giving me the impression that i was outside. the first thing garrett did was introduce me to his dog cami and cat cleo.
yea, not so much of an axe murderer.
we played covers so he could get a feel for my voice and what i could do. it was a lot of fun. his roommate came in and played on the djembe (that was how i met derek, but that is another story entirely). eventually he told me that he liked what i could do and wanted to play me a recording of one of his songs to see if i could learn it. the woman in the recording was amazing. even to this day i can recall listening to her and thinking there was no way in hell i could do what she could with her voice. i sang along however and garrett seemed pleased.
he invited me to come back next week to meet the rest of the band.
the meeting was great - we jammed and worked on a couple of garrett's songs. everyone was very complimentary and i had a great time.
they invited me to come back next week to play.
and that is how it went for a year. each week we would get together and play and i was told it was great and would i come back next week. we played gigs in parks and coffee shops and bars. each gig we would play and i was told it was great and would i come back next week.
there was never any confirmation i was IN the band. just that. i asked garrett once and he just laughed.
it was an amazing experience that i will always cherish. i learned to be bolder and more willing to take risks. in getting up on stage and singing to people i learned to put myself out there, to talk to the crowd and be comfortable and to connect with others. i found that in projecting my physical voice that i was able to project my energy, my emotion, my mind - i was able to put myself into the world in ways i had never tried. those lessons carried over into my time at aspen, in new zealand, and now as i attend open mic nights, apply for jobs, and seek reentry to graduate school. i am more comfortable with myself - stronger and more confident.
when i left idaho i missed it. i missed the comraderie, the excitement, and most of all, i missed the music. i spent time being miserable about it - i drove back to moscow to play gigs, i felt jealous when they got a new gal to sing in the group. i thought i'd just have to give it all up.
then i remembered those lessons.
i taught myself to play guitar two years ago. it was incredible to be able to accompany myself and i started writing songs. i found that in doing so i took on even more of that confidence. i suppose that is what allows me to get up at open mic nights to play. sitting there in the bar in flagstaff i had to smile at where i've come from and where i hope to go.
thanks brother.
acoustic guitar. cello baseline. djembe.
world beats. mellow base. eclectic lyrics.
i was instantly transported. my mind went on time travel to a time in my past. i could smell the smoke, hear the people talking softly below me, feel the cool of the mic in my hand. if i opened my eyes i was sure i could look over and see garrett standing next to me, barefoot, mildly disheveled, and strumming his well-loved guitar. i'd see bennett perched on a chair, beanie on his head, cradling the djembe between his knees. i'd see emily, tall and willowy in her unique thrift store dress, her long hair swaying as she played her trombone. my heart warmed at these thoughts and i felt grateful to this trio for bringing them back to me.
i loved being a member of acoustic wave machine, the strange and folksy hippie band i joined when i lived in washington. i ended up in it totally on accident. i was out one day on my bike and ran into one of my students. she must have picked up on my reputation for being the crazy hippie environmentalist RED because she let me know that there was an earth day festival down the hill in one of the parks. i rode down to check it out.
garrett was playing when i got there. he was up there with three other guys playing the mandolin, banjo and djembe. the songs were interesting - political, environmental, witty and unique. the guitar riffs were lively and the four of them seemed to fit well. it all seemed to work, but i had a hard time listening anyhow. as brilliant a guitarist and lyricist garrett was, he was no singer. he could carry a tune, but one would never classify him as a singer.
the crew ended up their set and joined the crowd to watch the next group up. they ended up walking through the crowd of people lounging on the grass and sat right next to me. now i will say that most of you know me as the person who will literally talk to anyone. i'll chat people up in the supermarket, the bar, the line for the ladies' room, the gym. but this was over 6 years ago and i had not really gotten over my fear that in talking to people they would not push me into a locker or try and stick my head in a toilet. ok, that's a bit drastic. at this point i was more just worried that people would not want to talk to me, so when i turned to these three guys and said something it was a big step for me.
when i tossed the comment "you guys sound great" in their direction it was garrett who replied. "thanks - too bad i can't sing." i had to smile - at least the guy understood his limitations. often people think they are far more vocally talented than they actually are. we see it all the time on american idol - those are not the only people who harbor such illusions - just the ones who make it public. his casual comment about his voice led to great conversation about voice training, vocal exercises and the like. in the end he told me that he wanted to put together a project. apparently the guys he was playing with were not his band. then he tossed in a comment about his vision.
he wanted to front the project with a female vocalist. and he wanted to know if i knew of any.
awesome.
i'll say before i go on with the story that i am seriously impressed with a man who wants a woman to sing his songs. music is pretty much a male-dominated industry. please don't regale me with stories of britney or jewel or madonna or the runaways. i know that there are lots of women in music, but for every woman who is out there as a musician there have to be about ten men. this open mic night i was at is a prime example. in four hours i was the only female to get up there. i guess men are more comfortable taking that kind of risk - it does involve a level of ego that not very many people have. the willingness to think that someone else might want to listen to you.
clearly i have this level of ego - not only do i go to open mic nights...i write this blog.
anyway from this point on garrett earned his way onto my list of top male allies along with brad, dave, francis and my father.
my friend monique was terrified that in going to garrett's for an audition i was signing up to be raped and murdered in some strange man's house. i guess coming from detroit she has good reason to be wary. i guess that even today i enter these situations with a kind of naivete that can be positive but potentially dangerous. in the end she could not convince me to cancel or bring someone with her, but she did get me to sign on to calling her when i got there and taking her phone call 15 minutes later.
by the time i got there i realized she had put her fear into me. i stood at the door for about 10 minutes trying to decide if i should knock.
i really have no clue what i was worried about.
the house was open and naturally lit with hardwood floors covered in worn oriental rugs. the walls were painted with murals and the houseplants were so overgrown that they crisscrossed the ceiling giving me the impression that i was outside. the first thing garrett did was introduce me to his dog cami and cat cleo.
yea, not so much of an axe murderer.
we played covers so he could get a feel for my voice and what i could do. it was a lot of fun. his roommate came in and played on the djembe (that was how i met derek, but that is another story entirely). eventually he told me that he liked what i could do and wanted to play me a recording of one of his songs to see if i could learn it. the woman in the recording was amazing. even to this day i can recall listening to her and thinking there was no way in hell i could do what she could with her voice. i sang along however and garrett seemed pleased.
he invited me to come back next week to meet the rest of the band.
the meeting was great - we jammed and worked on a couple of garrett's songs. everyone was very complimentary and i had a great time.
they invited me to come back next week to play.
and that is how it went for a year. each week we would get together and play and i was told it was great and would i come back next week. we played gigs in parks and coffee shops and bars. each gig we would play and i was told it was great and would i come back next week.
there was never any confirmation i was IN the band. just that. i asked garrett once and he just laughed.
it was an amazing experience that i will always cherish. i learned to be bolder and more willing to take risks. in getting up on stage and singing to people i learned to put myself out there, to talk to the crowd and be comfortable and to connect with others. i found that in projecting my physical voice that i was able to project my energy, my emotion, my mind - i was able to put myself into the world in ways i had never tried. those lessons carried over into my time at aspen, in new zealand, and now as i attend open mic nights, apply for jobs, and seek reentry to graduate school. i am more comfortable with myself - stronger and more confident.
when i left idaho i missed it. i missed the comraderie, the excitement, and most of all, i missed the music. i spent time being miserable about it - i drove back to moscow to play gigs, i felt jealous when they got a new gal to sing in the group. i thought i'd just have to give it all up.
then i remembered those lessons.
i taught myself to play guitar two years ago. it was incredible to be able to accompany myself and i started writing songs. i found that in doing so i took on even more of that confidence. i suppose that is what allows me to get up at open mic nights to play. sitting there in the bar in flagstaff i had to smile at where i've come from and where i hope to go.
thanks brother.
14.10.10
shit happens
spent 8 days out on the east side of boulder mountain recently. was working in the field...again. the experience was not unlike deja vu, but included new students, new co-staff, and new hikes, so i guess one might classify it as a unique experience. in the end i shat in the same old holes, slept in the same old dirty clothes, and ate the same old meals out of coffee cans. i will say that it was beautiful - really really really really really gorgeous out there. i will also say that despite the student who collapsed sobbing face down into the dirt with his pack on his back (he recovered a bit muddier for the wear), and the frightening experience of being on top of a ridge in 3-count lightning (frightening might be an understatement), i had a really great time out there.
sitting at the country cafe wednesday night with the rest of the outgoing field staff i enjoyed a buffalo burger and a beer (ok - 3 beers) and the raucous hilarity that only can come from a bunch of adults pent up with teens for a week. to say that we were appropriately quiet, used appropriate language, or were at all appropriate would be a big fat lie. wednesday nights at the cafe are our time to let off steam about the week and cater to all of the whims of the id. its when we complain about our students, make dirty jokes, tell old tall tales of battle in the desert trenches, and plan our weeks ahead.
the whole experience only serves to add fodder to one of my ongoing projects. i have been collecting stories from wilderness, student affairs, and life in general to write book about working with other people's kids. at this point i have some great tales, a couple of really interesting chapter topics, and about 100 pages of text crammed into my tiny computer. i thought i might put out a few highlights from a chapter about shit - mostly because i think it's just funny! i mean, who does not enjoy a bit of bathroom humor minus the bathroom???
if you have any stories you think i have missed or would like to contribute please please let me know!
- superturd - a residence hall staffer gets called in to help deal with a log so big it won't go down the toilet. calling in the 'laser pee' technique and a couple of sticks from the yard, superturd is eventually vanquished.
- freshness guaranteed - wilderness student misinterprets the 'pack it in, pack it out' philosophy and seals more than his toilet paper up in a ziploc.
- poopytort - on a mission to locate a missing student, staff learn that tortillas can be used for more than eating.
- shit mitten - wilderness student digs up more than he bargained for.
- the phantom pooper - who's office will they hit next???
- tater turds - wilderness staff discover a little more than freeze-dried mashed potatoes when preparing for a meal.
- personal hygiene - a group of teenage girls come up with a way to avoid carrying their used toilet paper around...just don't use it. allow me to say that their hygiene technique was called 'the shimmy' and did not include wiping of any kind. by the time we figured this out the group had enough yeast to bake bread.
that's all i have for now. have really been enjoying turning these crappy tales into eloquent prose. hope that the list makes you laugh like it does me!
sitting at the country cafe wednesday night with the rest of the outgoing field staff i enjoyed a buffalo burger and a beer (ok - 3 beers) and the raucous hilarity that only can come from a bunch of adults pent up with teens for a week. to say that we were appropriately quiet, used appropriate language, or were at all appropriate would be a big fat lie. wednesday nights at the cafe are our time to let off steam about the week and cater to all of the whims of the id. its when we complain about our students, make dirty jokes, tell old tall tales of battle in the desert trenches, and plan our weeks ahead.
the whole experience only serves to add fodder to one of my ongoing projects. i have been collecting stories from wilderness, student affairs, and life in general to write book about working with other people's kids. at this point i have some great tales, a couple of really interesting chapter topics, and about 100 pages of text crammed into my tiny computer. i thought i might put out a few highlights from a chapter about shit - mostly because i think it's just funny! i mean, who does not enjoy a bit of bathroom humor minus the bathroom???
if you have any stories you think i have missed or would like to contribute please please let me know!
- superturd - a residence hall staffer gets called in to help deal with a log so big it won't go down the toilet. calling in the 'laser pee' technique and a couple of sticks from the yard, superturd is eventually vanquished.
- freshness guaranteed - wilderness student misinterprets the 'pack it in, pack it out' philosophy and seals more than his toilet paper up in a ziploc.
- poopytort - on a mission to locate a missing student, staff learn that tortillas can be used for more than eating.
- shit mitten - wilderness student digs up more than he bargained for.
- the phantom pooper - who's office will they hit next???
- tater turds - wilderness staff discover a little more than freeze-dried mashed potatoes when preparing for a meal.
- personal hygiene - a group of teenage girls come up with a way to avoid carrying their used toilet paper around...just don't use it. allow me to say that their hygiene technique was called 'the shimmy' and did not include wiping of any kind. by the time we figured this out the group had enough yeast to bake bread.
that's all i have for now. have really been enjoying turning these crappy tales into eloquent prose. hope that the list makes you laugh like it does me!
5.10.10
lack of consciousness
i open my eyes into the dark - to a noise i did not recognize in a space i did not know. the bed i lie in is soft and warm. i can smell clean linens and i feel the sweat starting to prickle on my neck as i swelter underneath the down comforter.
i have no idea where i am.
this has happened before.
this has happened a lot recently. i'd forgotten this part of not having a home.
once i got my wits to me and came to a realization of where i was (thanks to the mansion folks for letting me stay!) i sunk back into the bed and proceeded to flatten my mind back out for sleep. it was then that it came to me. the answer. not some kind of intense revelation. not THE WAY or HOW or WHAT'S NEXT. just simply the answer to what had stumped me last night. i knew how to start the cover letter i was working on.
this has happened before.
sitting in the kitchen this morning i chatted a bit with my friends about that moment. not the moment last night that led me to get another job application done, but THAT MOMENT when i wake from my sleep to some kind of realization. when i open my eyes into the dark and just know.
funny thing is that i did not start the conversation. my friend jason did. he came to the kitchen with a tale of realizing in the middle of the night that he needs to spend time centering again (centering in the middle - literal metaphor). he wondered aloud what it was that led him to this late-night revelation. he told me this was not uncommon for him.
this has happened before.
i often do my best thinking when i am not thinking. i come to conclusions when i sleep, when i am focused on intense exercise, when i talk, when i have sex. in the moments when i am outside of my mind i find that it works the best. the puzzle pieces pull themselves together seemingly on their own and i suddenly...just...know.
for me i live in my head most of the time. my heart and body and spirit have to catch up on a regular basis. i wonder if that is what is happening. i step out for a bit and the rest all come home. there is a scientist who focuses his research on measuring levels of consciousness and developing a meter that can read it as easily as temperature. thinking about this article, my recent accidental foray into jungian psychology, and spending time with therapists who tap into the nether-realms i wonder if that is actually possible.
i do love those moments of realization where the things i need surface from my unconscious mind and i come back to my brain to find them there. it is a moment of intense clarity where my unconscious is tapped into my conscious mind. i think about personal integration and centering and drawing together the pieces of my being and i wonder if i could harness that mindfully.
or perhaps the unconscious is not something we can own.
i have no idea where i am.
this has happened before.
this has happened a lot recently. i'd forgotten this part of not having a home.
once i got my wits to me and came to a realization of where i was (thanks to the mansion folks for letting me stay!) i sunk back into the bed and proceeded to flatten my mind back out for sleep. it was then that it came to me. the answer. not some kind of intense revelation. not THE WAY or HOW or WHAT'S NEXT. just simply the answer to what had stumped me last night. i knew how to start the cover letter i was working on.
this has happened before.
sitting in the kitchen this morning i chatted a bit with my friends about that moment. not the moment last night that led me to get another job application done, but THAT MOMENT when i wake from my sleep to some kind of realization. when i open my eyes into the dark and just know.
funny thing is that i did not start the conversation. my friend jason did. he came to the kitchen with a tale of realizing in the middle of the night that he needs to spend time centering again (centering in the middle - literal metaphor). he wondered aloud what it was that led him to this late-night revelation. he told me this was not uncommon for him.
this has happened before.
i often do my best thinking when i am not thinking. i come to conclusions when i sleep, when i am focused on intense exercise, when i talk, when i have sex. in the moments when i am outside of my mind i find that it works the best. the puzzle pieces pull themselves together seemingly on their own and i suddenly...just...know.
for me i live in my head most of the time. my heart and body and spirit have to catch up on a regular basis. i wonder if that is what is happening. i step out for a bit and the rest all come home. there is a scientist who focuses his research on measuring levels of consciousness and developing a meter that can read it as easily as temperature. thinking about this article, my recent accidental foray into jungian psychology, and spending time with therapists who tap into the nether-realms i wonder if that is actually possible.
i do love those moments of realization where the things i need surface from my unconscious mind and i come back to my brain to find them there. it is a moment of intense clarity where my unconscious is tapped into my conscious mind. i think about personal integration and centering and drawing together the pieces of my being and i wonder if i could harness that mindfully.
or perhaps the unconscious is not something we can own.
4.10.10
go nomadic - again...
when home has no place to park
guess i won't be going there...
thanks to those of you who have sent me kind words and well-wishes of late. if you don't already know yes, jason and i split this week to head on separate paths. his leads him to earn 'dirt time' on organic farms, looking for skills and experiences on which to build his school. at the moment mine consists of picking up some shifts at aspen and continuing my job search.
drove from moab to county last night. the rain was intermittent and i could see bits of orion peeking out through gaps in the clouds. summit curled up against me in a way that reminded me of the first day i got her. we drove through the night to twin falls idaho. after refusing to get into the car and eventually throwing up on my gear stick she simply sighed, decided she could adopt me too, and lay her head across the parking break onto my thigh. last night she lay like that all the way to notom where we threw down for the night.
i find a simple pleasure in returning to this way of life. i have what i need, i go where i want, and the bills are low. any pressure is further eased by rolling back into the place where everybody knows my name. ten minutes i'd been at castle rock when a friend walked over from the next door business to clap me on the shoulder and give me a hug. not too shabby for 7:30 in the morning. i'll head to the power plant next and visit with tina before watering my plants at the poho and hunting people up at the mansion. eventually i'll get to loa. not in any rush though.
i will not say that i don't want my own place. i want a nice place with a yard for the dog and wireless internet. if it had wooden floors for yoga and a gas range i'd hole up and never leave.
yeah...i get it, i should cut the hyperbole.
i will say that at this moment my desire to bounce around and be footloose and fancy free is about 50/50 with my need for stability and space. i guess what i am doing on integration and balance is working. i love the romanticism of moving with the wind, of pulling up my tent stakes (or bivy stakes in my case) and seeing where i end up. i like doing what i did last night - driving until i came to an open space where i can see the milky way and just camping right there. i love calling up a friend and dropping in for an extended couch visit - cooking them meals and leaving the kitchen a bit cleaner than i found it.
then again i also relish in the safety and comfort of familiar faces - of not having to read the menu because i already know what i am going to eat - of waking to my photos on the wall in a bed made up of my own linens. i love that quiet release in my heart when i walk into the smell of my own place in the dark and know what it will look like when i turn on the lights. i want my plants around me, not languishing for lack of water in a mostly empty house. i want to curl up in an oversized armchair and scan my bookshelf to reread chapters from something dog-eared and friendly.
i need to find a way to serve both masters.
guess i won't be going there...
thanks to those of you who have sent me kind words and well-wishes of late. if you don't already know yes, jason and i split this week to head on separate paths. his leads him to earn 'dirt time' on organic farms, looking for skills and experiences on which to build his school. at the moment mine consists of picking up some shifts at aspen and continuing my job search.
drove from moab to county last night. the rain was intermittent and i could see bits of orion peeking out through gaps in the clouds. summit curled up against me in a way that reminded me of the first day i got her. we drove through the night to twin falls idaho. after refusing to get into the car and eventually throwing up on my gear stick she simply sighed, decided she could adopt me too, and lay her head across the parking break onto my thigh. last night she lay like that all the way to notom where we threw down for the night.
i find a simple pleasure in returning to this way of life. i have what i need, i go where i want, and the bills are low. any pressure is further eased by rolling back into the place where everybody knows my name. ten minutes i'd been at castle rock when a friend walked over from the next door business to clap me on the shoulder and give me a hug. not too shabby for 7:30 in the morning. i'll head to the power plant next and visit with tina before watering my plants at the poho and hunting people up at the mansion. eventually i'll get to loa. not in any rush though.
i will not say that i don't want my own place. i want a nice place with a yard for the dog and wireless internet. if it had wooden floors for yoga and a gas range i'd hole up and never leave.
yeah...i get it, i should cut the hyperbole.
i will say that at this moment my desire to bounce around and be footloose and fancy free is about 50/50 with my need for stability and space. i guess what i am doing on integration and balance is working. i love the romanticism of moving with the wind, of pulling up my tent stakes (or bivy stakes in my case) and seeing where i end up. i like doing what i did last night - driving until i came to an open space where i can see the milky way and just camping right there. i love calling up a friend and dropping in for an extended couch visit - cooking them meals and leaving the kitchen a bit cleaner than i found it.
then again i also relish in the safety and comfort of familiar faces - of not having to read the menu because i already know what i am going to eat - of waking to my photos on the wall in a bed made up of my own linens. i love that quiet release in my heart when i walk into the smell of my own place in the dark and know what it will look like when i turn on the lights. i want my plants around me, not languishing for lack of water in a mostly empty house. i want to curl up in an oversized armchair and scan my bookshelf to reread chapters from something dog-eared and friendly.
i need to find a way to serve both masters.
25.9.10
out of the wild
well it's a mystery to me
we have a greed
to which we have agreed
i'd not really listened to the lyrics of this eddie vedder song until this week. of course that is what happens to me most of the time. songs find me when i need them - they pop up like flags pressing me to think. i always joke that life is a musical, and that you just need to sing. in reality it's more like a soundtrack to a movie, with the prose painting pictures for me to ponder.
i'm sitting in downtown flagstaff watching football. i've been here almost exactly a week. i came here for a lot of reasons - visit a friend, see the town, check out grad school, have an adventure, get out of moab - there were and are all these bits of need and interest and searching.
and you think you have to have more than you need
'till you have it all you won't be free
it's amazing how i always end up getting way more than i was looking for.
society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me
i joked a lot this week about dealing with some 'reentry issues.' some of them are pretty comical really. after hand washing the dinner dishes my first night here, my friend pj points out to me that he has a dishwasher.
oh yeah...people have that stuff.
i go to a meeting with a professor in the counseling psych department at nau, and he starts explaining to me the benefits of living in flagstaff despite how small a town it is. he stops mid-sentence because he notices i can't suppress my laugh.
there really is no way to create a relative picture. where i used to live is the size of rhode island, 95% untouched land, and only 3000 people live there.
society, crazy indeed
i hope you're not lonely without me
at aspen we have the students read an allegoric story about a mouse who goes on an adventure. the tale matches well with joseph campbell's outline of the hero's journey. the mouse leaves the comfort of what she knows because she hears a buzzing in her ears. she has an experience unlike one any mouse has ever had, and she goes back to her village to tell others about it. her fellow mice find her changed in appearance and action. she tries to explain herself but no one gets it and they shun her.
when you want more than you have you think you need.
and when you think more than you want your thoughts begin to bleed.
i am in no way trying to say that i am being shunned. to the contrary, i have very much enjoyed being here. my friend pj has been incredibly generous. the people in the town are undeniably friendly.
but i do for the first time understand the description of brian's consciousness in gary paulsen's hatchet. brian talks about how after returning from his experience he realized that he was more aware of the world around him. he noted detail, took less for granted, and in no way was able to describe his experience in a way that others could understand.
i think i need to find a bigger place
'cause when you have more than you think you need more space
now before you start going 'oh poor, poor clare! so misunderstood! her life is so hard!' and offering me cheese to go with my wine (a nice arizona cabernet by the way), know that though i feel some affinity to these characters i do not see this as a bad thing. i like that things look different. i like that things like dishwashers, and iphones, and walk-in hair salons (thanks for making me look good terry!) are adventures rather than just part of the scenery.
society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me
when i left washington state unsiversity back in 2006 i was looking to run away. i'd been pushing and pushing along on the what's-next-career-climbing-networking-circus for what i deemed long enough. i had to get out. i had to see what else there was beyond college campuses and furnished apartments. i wanted to say 'fuck you' to the trappings of my post college life and set out on my own. i did not abandon my car and burn my cash, but took a job working in wilderness therapy in utah.
i asked my kids out there what they would say if someone had told them 1 year ago that they would spend some time in the wilderness in utah hoarding rabbit shit and eating food out of a coffee can. being a bit older i'd ask that of myself swapping 10 years for 1.
ten years ago i was interning for a political party in london. you do the math.
society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me
there were two things i never thought would happen. 1) i never thought i would be in utah for over 4 years, and 2) i never thought i'd want to return to working on a college campus.
just kidding. actually there is a third thing. i was short sighted enough to think that the only thing that would happen if i went into the wilderness was that i would change some lives. i'd help kids, inspire families, and perhaps form some solid relationships. i forgot (as i always do) that going to the wilderness would change me way more than anyone else in the picture.
the things i've done - the things i've experienced.
i've slept out under the stars for over 400 days. i've thought i would die in the middle of a raging thunderstorm. i've lived in a 2 bedroom house with seven other people. my wardrobe consisted of 1 pr jeans, 1 pr carhartts, 3 t-shirts, 2 tanks, some warm jackets, 5 pr socks, unmentionables and one dress i never had a reason to wear. i raised a therapy dog who is more therapeutic for me than anyone else. i've lived in a yurt with no running water. i've been single, committed, abused, abandoned, unrequited, and head over heels in love. i cycled 1800 miles in a foreign country. i've eaten meals made out of nothing but food i harvested. all that i owned fit into my volkswagen.
i think i will stop lest i bore you with the details.
there's those thinking more or less, less is more
but if less is more how you're keeping score?
i often joke that i do nothing half-assed. pretty much what i mean is that i live in extremes. i go to one end of the spectrum or the other, the pendulum never slowing enough for me to get off in the middle. it's how i set myself up for success. it worked great for me (or at least i thought so) until i got back from new zealand and i started seeing how that way of being distorted the balance of my life. at the time i resolved that i had to let go of the things on the fringes and focus on forming myself from the center out. one of those things was going back to school for a phd.
what you let go often comes back.
so i seek now a way to integrate rather than divide. i want to live in a world where i don't have to reject the way life is, but maintain that sense that nothing should be taken for granted. i climbed the highest peak in arizona the other day, and i took my phone with me to post pictures of the top on facebook. you might laugh, but that is something i'd never have done a year ago. i'd have turned up my nose at the idea of technology in the outdoors, rather than using the technology to enhance the experience. i felt how strange doing this felt to me, and reminded myself that as long as it is not something that i ever feel i HAVE to do, or that i forget that one can do it differently i am not losing anything.
sometimes it's had to calm the inner O.D.D. child.
means for every point you make the level drops
kind like it's starting from the top
you can't do that
i can't help the people the way i want without going back to school. i can't go to school without leaving utah - the part i've been in anyway. one of the therapists i worked with, ken, used to read us this great quote i can never exactly remember. it focuses on how you can't stay up on the summit of the mountain. it's not habitable. in the end you have to go back to the hills or plains below. you bring with you the lessons learned from achieving the summit, and seek to integrate them into your life below.
society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me
so i sit here in flagstaff and watch texas on the happy end of a turnover. i missed watching sports. i missed sitting in bars and meeting people. i missed night life and shopping and restaurants that serve more than republican food. at the moment my inner rebel is excited to be here because it's new and different. she pushes me to go off the deep end and just toss all the lessons i learned in utah. she wants me to forsake it. the pendulum swings and i have to work to slow it down.
of course consciousness is not action. i've been terrible to my body this week. i've spent more money than i intended. i've forgotten things i cared about.
society, have mercy on me
hope you're not angry if i disagree
now it's about finding that center. i don't know if it will be in flagstaff or somewhere else. i don't know if i will get a job or go to school. i don't even know if i will end up with any of the things i have thought about or planned.
society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me
living...
we have a greed
to which we have agreed
i'd not really listened to the lyrics of this eddie vedder song until this week. of course that is what happens to me most of the time. songs find me when i need them - they pop up like flags pressing me to think. i always joke that life is a musical, and that you just need to sing. in reality it's more like a soundtrack to a movie, with the prose painting pictures for me to ponder.
i'm sitting in downtown flagstaff watching football. i've been here almost exactly a week. i came here for a lot of reasons - visit a friend, see the town, check out grad school, have an adventure, get out of moab - there were and are all these bits of need and interest and searching.
and you think you have to have more than you need
'till you have it all you won't be free
it's amazing how i always end up getting way more than i was looking for.
society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me
i joked a lot this week about dealing with some 'reentry issues.' some of them are pretty comical really. after hand washing the dinner dishes my first night here, my friend pj points out to me that he has a dishwasher.
oh yeah...people have that stuff.
i go to a meeting with a professor in the counseling psych department at nau, and he starts explaining to me the benefits of living in flagstaff despite how small a town it is. he stops mid-sentence because he notices i can't suppress my laugh.
there really is no way to create a relative picture. where i used to live is the size of rhode island, 95% untouched land, and only 3000 people live there.
society, crazy indeed
i hope you're not lonely without me
at aspen we have the students read an allegoric story about a mouse who goes on an adventure. the tale matches well with joseph campbell's outline of the hero's journey. the mouse leaves the comfort of what she knows because she hears a buzzing in her ears. she has an experience unlike one any mouse has ever had, and she goes back to her village to tell others about it. her fellow mice find her changed in appearance and action. she tries to explain herself but no one gets it and they shun her.
when you want more than you have you think you need.
and when you think more than you want your thoughts begin to bleed.
i am in no way trying to say that i am being shunned. to the contrary, i have very much enjoyed being here. my friend pj has been incredibly generous. the people in the town are undeniably friendly.
but i do for the first time understand the description of brian's consciousness in gary paulsen's hatchet. brian talks about how after returning from his experience he realized that he was more aware of the world around him. he noted detail, took less for granted, and in no way was able to describe his experience in a way that others could understand.
i think i need to find a bigger place
'cause when you have more than you think you need more space
now before you start going 'oh poor, poor clare! so misunderstood! her life is so hard!' and offering me cheese to go with my wine (a nice arizona cabernet by the way), know that though i feel some affinity to these characters i do not see this as a bad thing. i like that things look different. i like that things like dishwashers, and iphones, and walk-in hair salons (thanks for making me look good terry!) are adventures rather than just part of the scenery.
society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me
when i left washington state unsiversity back in 2006 i was looking to run away. i'd been pushing and pushing along on the what's-next-career-climbing-networking-circus for what i deemed long enough. i had to get out. i had to see what else there was beyond college campuses and furnished apartments. i wanted to say 'fuck you' to the trappings of my post college life and set out on my own. i did not abandon my car and burn my cash, but took a job working in wilderness therapy in utah.
i asked my kids out there what they would say if someone had told them 1 year ago that they would spend some time in the wilderness in utah hoarding rabbit shit and eating food out of a coffee can. being a bit older i'd ask that of myself swapping 10 years for 1.
ten years ago i was interning for a political party in london. you do the math.
society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me
there were two things i never thought would happen. 1) i never thought i would be in utah for over 4 years, and 2) i never thought i'd want to return to working on a college campus.
just kidding. actually there is a third thing. i was short sighted enough to think that the only thing that would happen if i went into the wilderness was that i would change some lives. i'd help kids, inspire families, and perhaps form some solid relationships. i forgot (as i always do) that going to the wilderness would change me way more than anyone else in the picture.
the things i've done - the things i've experienced.
i've slept out under the stars for over 400 days. i've thought i would die in the middle of a raging thunderstorm. i've lived in a 2 bedroom house with seven other people. my wardrobe consisted of 1 pr jeans, 1 pr carhartts, 3 t-shirts, 2 tanks, some warm jackets, 5 pr socks, unmentionables and one dress i never had a reason to wear. i raised a therapy dog who is more therapeutic for me than anyone else. i've lived in a yurt with no running water. i've been single, committed, abused, abandoned, unrequited, and head over heels in love. i cycled 1800 miles in a foreign country. i've eaten meals made out of nothing but food i harvested. all that i owned fit into my volkswagen.
i think i will stop lest i bore you with the details.
there's those thinking more or less, less is more
but if less is more how you're keeping score?
i often joke that i do nothing half-assed. pretty much what i mean is that i live in extremes. i go to one end of the spectrum or the other, the pendulum never slowing enough for me to get off in the middle. it's how i set myself up for success. it worked great for me (or at least i thought so) until i got back from new zealand and i started seeing how that way of being distorted the balance of my life. at the time i resolved that i had to let go of the things on the fringes and focus on forming myself from the center out. one of those things was going back to school for a phd.
what you let go often comes back.
so i seek now a way to integrate rather than divide. i want to live in a world where i don't have to reject the way life is, but maintain that sense that nothing should be taken for granted. i climbed the highest peak in arizona the other day, and i took my phone with me to post pictures of the top on facebook. you might laugh, but that is something i'd never have done a year ago. i'd have turned up my nose at the idea of technology in the outdoors, rather than using the technology to enhance the experience. i felt how strange doing this felt to me, and reminded myself that as long as it is not something that i ever feel i HAVE to do, or that i forget that one can do it differently i am not losing anything.
sometimes it's had to calm the inner O.D.D. child.
means for every point you make the level drops
kind like it's starting from the top
you can't do that
i can't help the people the way i want without going back to school. i can't go to school without leaving utah - the part i've been in anyway. one of the therapists i worked with, ken, used to read us this great quote i can never exactly remember. it focuses on how you can't stay up on the summit of the mountain. it's not habitable. in the end you have to go back to the hills or plains below. you bring with you the lessons learned from achieving the summit, and seek to integrate them into your life below.
society, you crazy breed
hope you're not lonely without me
society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me
so i sit here in flagstaff and watch texas on the happy end of a turnover. i missed watching sports. i missed sitting in bars and meeting people. i missed night life and shopping and restaurants that serve more than republican food. at the moment my inner rebel is excited to be here because it's new and different. she pushes me to go off the deep end and just toss all the lessons i learned in utah. she wants me to forsake it. the pendulum swings and i have to work to slow it down.
of course consciousness is not action. i've been terrible to my body this week. i've spent more money than i intended. i've forgotten things i cared about.
society, have mercy on me
hope you're not angry if i disagree
now it's about finding that center. i don't know if it will be in flagstaff or somewhere else. i don't know if i will get a job or go to school. i don't even know if i will end up with any of the things i have thought about or planned.
society, crazy indeed
hope you're not lonely without me
living...
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