the curse of the superhero

invulnerability.

isn't that supposed to be some kind of superpower or something?

sat with a dear friend this morning. i've known her 4 years, and our conversations are never dull. we talk about work. we talk about children. we talk about men. we...just...talk...and when i leave and think about what it is we've discussed i have always felt surprised at how deep we go and how much i discover in those moments.

i think by talking in case you did not know.

my friend today shared with me some tough stuff - dealing with a divorce and the realities of being a single, working mother. when it came up she teared a bit and said to me 'i'm sorry - i'm a bit raw today.' what i found significant about that moment was not that she apologized for being emotional (no one ever need do that with me), but that it was her vulnerability that allowed us to have that conversation.

it opened the door for me to talk about things in my life - the worries, stress, passion, anger, fear. i found myself giving voice to things that even i had not until that moment. i found new things in myself that were surprising and noteworthy. things i had not been looking for, but just came to me. i believe that the vulnerability of my friend is what allowed that to happen.

i've been feeling very vulnerable the past few days. i have been so focused on leaving moab and finding a job and getting out of my lease that i have been taking on a mantle of false-invulnerability. i'd spent half a day putting on my best face for a job interview as well. but then...then i had another conversation (this one unfortunately not face to face) with a friend with whom i have been wanting to make amends. in apologizing and trying (ineloquently i might add) to explain myself, i opened a door within myself and i found loads of things rushing out. most of what i found were things i'd been thinking about for a while, but in engaging in a vulnerable moment i came to clarity on some things, put words to personal traits i'd not yet explained to myself, and left the door open to deal with other things as well.

forgiveness seems to be another theme in all of this. not just seeking it from others, but locating it in my own heart and making peace with wrongs done me. i spoke at length with a friend recently (again with the think/talk connection) about challenges between children and parents. i realized in that conversation that the anger and resentment i'd built toward my parents for wrongs of the past was all but gone, and i was fine with seeing them as fallible, human, people. i also sat for an hour this week with my ex who deeply wronged me talking about life and plans and the future. though in neither of these situations did i spend time talking about the wrongs, i found in myself a willingness to just move on - a peace from taking down the wall and just letting people in.

in contrast i also had an interaction with someone who has meant a great deal to me and it was awkward and awful. despite all that we had been through together, and all we had been going through of late, we spoke for about 10 minutes about things as useless as the weather and as sterile as how our job searches were going. as i walked away i hearkened back to the time where we talked in depth about emotion and fear and love and life. we'd cried in one another's arms. i saw that a wall had come up slowly there that blocked those interactions. i spent a fleeting moment trying to decide why, but came to the conclusion that i probably never would know. instead i am trying to accept that for some reason the time of vulnerability has passed and that to one another we must project the invulnerable. superheroes fighting side by side and never knowing the others' secret identity.

for the moment i am wrapped in the sad sweetness of vulnerability in the face of challenge and fear. it's hard to stay here. i know i can in the wave of my mind's hand put up the wall even to myself. but i think i am going to sit here a while and see what else comes.

“Live your daily life in a way that you never lose yourself. When you are carried away with your worries, fears, cravings, anger, and desire, you run away from yourself and you lose yourself. The practice is always to go back to oneself.” - Tich Nhat Han